Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 9)

Hello Readers.  While I'm attempting to quell this mind-numbing headache assaulting my senses from yesterday's festivities, let's jump right into this week's Q&A.

Asking for a friend...
Does the school have appropriate countermeasures to humanely corral phasing rabbits?

*shifty eyes*

Sincerely,

Ninja Bunny

Hello Ninja Bunny,

It's not particularly common knowledge, but phasing rabbits possess a startling amount of brainpower energy, but don't have much capacity to control it.  This tends to result in the periodic 'venting' of the brainpower energy.  In best case scenarios, this results in them blinking about through space or through walls.  In worst case scenarios, it results in a pressing need for renovations and an angry Tower accountant.

The brainpower nature of these rabbits can be taken advantage of to lure them into traps, however.  Brainpower aside, they are still rabbits.  Standard traps can be baited with imaginary carrots if the trapper can imagine them hard enough.  The phasing rabbits will pick up on the telepathic message and be drawn to the trap*.

*IMPORTANT NOTE:  When employing this method, DO NOT allow the phasing rabbits to eat the imaginary carrot!

HRH Fluff ‘n Stuff appears to have had a little “accident” near the stairs to the Elder Floors (this may or may not be a deliberate protest to their continued refusal to allow Mister Fluffypants to undertake the naming ceremony, you have no proof either way).  Given her preference for fresh blood and quality deli meats, would you recommend bleach, an ammonium based cleaner, or complete vaporization of the entire hallway?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova,

This certainly explains a lot.  Your dog's "accident" has already caused a number of student casualties (It's okay, it's a new year and our quotta was reset).  The council has been debating how to handle the situation.  The initial response was to attempt a pinpoint Orbital Satellite strike, but the Tower accountant has discouraged use of pinpoint Orbital Satellite strikes for cleaning purposes.  For the time being, they've decided to send in the Tower janitor, Frank Stein.  It's not a big deal if we lose Frank, Elder Steve can bring him back as many times as necessary.  If that doesn't work, I believe the Council has a number of other plans, some involving fire, before we resort to the pinpoint Orbital Satellite strike whether the Tower Accountant approves or not.

Hello sir...
I don't mean to pry, but didn't you say a few weeks ago that you were going to discuss Glamomancy?  You never did, and the lesson plans are getting progressively stranger without any explanation...
-Taco Lightning

Hello Taco Lightning,

Yes, I was going to go into more detail regarding Glamomancy, but it turns out the art is a bit more complicated than we originally anticipated.  It would seem that Glamomancy has a good side and a darker, more sinister side.  The lesson plans are currently being reviewed by the Tower Ethical Expert.  Your classes should have been canceled until further notice, I'm not sure who's running your classes.  Please come to my office at your earliest convenience to discuss this further.

I'm locked in the Tower basement!  Help?
-Throat-Punch Ballet

Hello Throat-Punch Ballet,

Very creative dodging of the questions only rule!

Equally impressive (but likely unfortunate for you, I fear) is that you've found the Tower basement!  Nobody has yet to locate that.  You'll have to let someone know where it is for us to come get you.  Until then, good luck on your attempts to survive until then!


Dear Lazer Gaiden,
Where am I?
-Lesser Evil

Hello Lesser Evil,

That's a very good question.  There may have actually been more to this, but representatives from Crimson Bovine confiscated it pretty much immediately and this is all I could read.

The Council actually managed to contact Elder [NAME DELETED] regarding your situation.  I'm told he was sporting a two dimensional lab-coat with six-dimensions of colors that drove encouraged a number of nearby students insane to enroll in Kung-Futhulhu.  She agreed to keep an eye out for you and Space Slayer in journey across all planes, before turning into a floating drawing of a frowny face and bending sideways out of existence.  Hope to see you back at the tower soon*! 
*For all our sakes.

Well, that does it for Q&A for this week.  Good luck to all of you surviving Torp's apocalyptic nonsense this weekend!

The Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill (Part 1)

Wolf Knight, Turbo Thunder, and Burning Mermaid walked down the path.  Their clothing was torn, they had several scratches on their skin, and Turbo had a small fire on his head.

"We are never going hunting in the Cavern of Fireflies again."  Wolf Knight said, finally.

"I swear to Torp I've never heard of fireflies being associated with actual fire."  Turbo said.

"That's because they weren't fireflies, they were dragonflies."  Burning Mermaid corrected, swatting out the fire on Turbo's head.

"At least he didn't suggest hunting in the Forest of Ages."  Wolf Knight said.

"Of course not!  It's starting to get dark out, and nobody wants to get caught out there at night.  Turbo said, defensively.

“Anyway.”  Wolf knight continued.  “We’re going to need to get some real food.  The brochure says we’re pretty close to this Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill.  Let’s just go there.”

“Eating at a restaurant in the Dark Undercold?!  Are you crazy?!”  Turbo exclaimed.

"It's not technically the Dark Undercold."  Burning Mermaid replied.  "It's at the far end of Dim Underchilly.  Rodeo Nova would probably have strong words with you for saying she comes from the Dark Undercold.  Some would probably be quite cross, although others would probably be incoherent."

“You could just have the last Meal.”  Wolf Knight suggested, patting his bag.

“...Point taken.  All right, let’s just keep our guard up.”  Turbo said, defeated.

The trio followed the map and it wasn’t long until they came across a large building off the road.  A massive sign informed them that this was, indeed, the Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill.  A neon sign depicted a robed figure jabbing a knife into a man on a slab.  Both of them were giving a thumbs up sign.  Wolf Knight and Turbo exchanged a glance.

“It’s probably just a theme restaurant.”  Wolf Knight said, as they made their way to the entrance.

"Yes, that's clearly the most likely scenario here."  Burning Mermaid added.  Wolf Knight wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic, and Turbo seemed as oblivious as ever, so he decided to drop it.

"Welcome to the Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill!"  The perky greeter chirped.  She wore thick, red robes that covered her entire body and bore images of faces screaming in agony.  A name tag was pinned on the right side of her chest that read ‘Hi, my name is Jenny!’  "Party of three?  Follow me and we'll get you seated.  The dinner show is just about to start!"  She guided them to an empty table, gave them menus and gestured to the pyramid structure in the center of the restaurant.  At the top of the pyramid, a priest was standing over a blindfolded man laying on a stone altar.

"This man has received the great honor of being the next sacrifice!"  The priest announced.  The blindfolded man on the altar raises both of his arms and made horn symbols with them.  "Glory to Lord Darkblood Killdeath!"  The priest continued, and plunged the dagger into the man's heart.  Pyrotechnic jets of flame shot up and neon lights flashed all around the pyramid.  The crowd let out a cheer as the man's body was lifted and taken into the back of the restaurant.

Wolf Knight urgently flagged over the nearest waiter, and the robed figure quickly approached the table.

“You had a question about the menu, sir?”

“It says here that your steaks are made with ‘100% grade A meat.’”

“That’s absolutely right.  We have only the finest meat.”

“Could you be a bit more specific?”

“About what, sir?”

“The meat.”

“It’s the finest meat.”

“Yes, but meat from what?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The meat?  What’s it from?”

“The kitchen, sir.”

Wolf Knight closed his eyes in frustration.  “Yes, I figured that.  But what IS the meat?”

“It’s food.  I’m sorry sir, I just assumed you would know that.”

“Yes, I’m aware that it’s food.  That’s why we’re in a restaurant.”

“Then what is the issue?”

“What kind of meat is it?  Is it beef?”

“It’s only the finest meat.”

“Yes, but...you know what, I think I’ll just have the salad.”

"And you, sir?"  The waiter asked Turbo.

Turbo glanced between the waiter and Wolf Knight.  "I think, for once...I'll agree with Wolf Knight on this."  he said, finally.

"And for the lady?"  The waiter asked, looking to Burning Mermaid.

"Yeah I'll take the steak."  She said.  Wolf Knight and Turbo stared at her as the waiter left with their orders.  "What?"  She asked.

"But...the meat..."  Turbo said.

Burning Mermaid shrugged.  "It wouldn't be the first time."

Turbo Thunder and Wolf Knight scooted their chairs just a bit further from Burning Mermaid.

Tower Happenings Tuesday (Part 2)

Hello readers!

It's time, once more, for Tower Happenings Tuesday!  In case you don't recall, Tower Happenings Tuesday is an entry that the Council requests that we do here every now and again, mostly during particularly eventful weeks.  So let's see what we've got going on this week!

Tuesday (Today):  There will be a Dragon Angel drill today.  As is traditional, you won't know when it's coming*. Extra credit for this drill will be given to those who give the most convincing impression of being obliterated.
*Much like a true Dragon Angel attack.

Wednesday:  The Happyshine "Totally Legit" Vocational School (Down at the Docks branch) will be holding an event at the Tower on Wednesday to showcase some of their more popular classes.  As you know, the Tower and the Vocational school have an agreement that allows Super Wizard students to take a number of classes free of charge.  The representative will be showing some of their new classes at this event, like Kneecapping for Hobbyists and Professionals, Nefarious But Mostly Legal Alchemy, and Ferreting out Squealers.  You won't want to miss it!

Thursday:  Thursday is Elder Fred's birthday!  As of such, students and graduates and retired Super Wizards, as well as nobility from the world over will be making their yearly pilgrimage to the tower to join him in celebration!  Classes will be canceled as most Elders and Super Wizards will be too intoxicated to teach them.  Students should expect all Super Wizards and Elders to be grumpier than usual on Friday, and they should probably avoid them at all costs.

Friday: Classes will be canceled this Friday as all at the Tower observe the Nelson Ascension.

Saturday:  Elder Mary will be holding a scavenger hunt of some sort at the Plains of Abandonment on Saturday.  All students are required to attend.  I think she's looking for something specific there, but whenever I ask her she just says "One day, I'll find it."  And stares off wistfully into the horizon* until I get bored and walk away.
*Or, if she's indoor, at a wall.

Sunday:  The Scripture of Torp says that an apocalyptic event will take place on Sunday.  I don't put a lot of stock into the Scripture of Torp, but the Tower is required to provide Torpers with passes to leave Tower grounds for the day to await their end in the company of loved ones.  The pass is only good for one day, however, and classes resume Monday as per usual.

Monday:  Assuming Torp doesn't smite the world with his lightning discus or some other such nonsense, Monday will be a standard class day.  The Council has informed me of some sort of quest they want me to take, however.  Depending on the details, Monday will either see an entry from my intern or the start of the second Student Highlight week.

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 1)

Hello readers!

It's no secret that our world is inhabited by a number of creatures that run the gambit of the magical and mystical, the dangerous and deadly, and even the impractical and asinine.  Mystical creatures of the world can be (and is) a class all on its own, but I'd like to touch on them now and again.  Some of these creatures are relatively common, so it's important to know how to deal with them when they're encountered in the wild.

Fireflies
Danger level:  None
Where to find them:  Fireflies are commonly found during the summer in most places.  They can be found year round in the Cavern of Fireflies (which was, as you  may have guessed, named for this reason).
Description:  They're small insects that light up.  They can be pretty, especially in large groups.
How to deal with them:  You can just ignore them, they typically won't bother people.  Children often capture them in the summer.

Lightning Bugs
Danger Level:  Low to medium.
Where to find them: Lightning bugs are most commonly found in the Swamp of Unfortunate Surprises
Description:  Lightning Bugs can be nasty creatures.  They're fist sized flying insects that drain a victim's life energy, and they can discharge stored energy as a defense mechanism.  It's not a good idea to swat these guys while they're feeding.  It's usually not fatal, but you will regret the decision.  Legends say that Lightning Bugs were created by the god Torp to punish man for something inane, as gods tend to do.  Are there any truths to these legends?  Like all religious matters, the answer is a resounding 'Maybe, but probably not!'
How to deal with them:  Lightning bugs are really just one of many reasons to not go to the Swamp of Unfortunate Surprises.  I mean, just look at the name!

Dragon Angel
Danger Level:  You're probably already dead
Where to find them: Hopefully only in your nightmares.
Description:  Dragon Angels are basically the worst possible creature you can ever run into.  As the name suggests, they're part dragon and part entity of questionable existence.  Fortunately, they're extremely rare.  It's been a long time since the last Dragon Angel has been spotted.  I'd tell you where it appeared, but you wouldn't recognize the name because it hasn't existed since the last time a Dragon Angel was spotted.  Yes, these two facts are related.
How to deal with them: N/A

IT Departments
Danger Level: Low to high, depending on how comfortable you are with insectoids and foul ichor.
Where to find them:  Skittering away when you turn on a light.
Description:  IT Departments tend to infest facilities shortly after they open their doors.  They're helpful for setting up technological infrastructure, and you might even think they're benign until the disappearances start.
How to deal with them:  You can buy traps at most convenience stores and bait them with coffee and overtime checks.  Serious cases may require exterminators.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 8)

Hey everyone, it's time for Q&A!

Due to the kitchen being, well, the kitchen, where is the best place to find quality deli meats in Happyshine?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova!

Your best bet for quality deli meats is to try Delimancy.

I should clarify here, as this has caused some confusion in the past. Delimancy is not a school of magic (not that Super Wizards use, at least), but the name of a Deli in Happyshine. The Sand-witches there can hook you up with some of the best meat in Happyshine. Just don't ask where it comes from or how it comes to be. The Sand-witches don't share the secrets of their arts*, and we probably don't want to know their secrets anyway.
*The sand-witches are incredibly protective of their arts, lest they fall into the hands of competitors or health inspectors.

On the off-chance that the profane, unholy, and altogether unclean practice of delimancy makes you uncomfortable, you can also visit Dirty Ned's Meat Alternatives Deli and Hardware Store. Full disclosure though, their "meats" are made of dirt.

Dear Lazer Gaiden,
When did all of the towers dogs begin to sound like Elder George? More importantly, how did I not notice this until now?
The ever faithful,
Lesser Evil


Hello Lesser Evil.

I'm going to be completely honest here Lesser Evil, I'm not sure how you're messaging me, or why
your questions are coming on mysterious objects dripping with unquestionably disgusting substances of questionable sentience. I'm also not sure how you're aware of anything going on at the tower, since you haven't been here in some time.

Well, you don't seem quite aware of what's going on.  To the extent of my knowledge, only one Rodeo Nova's dogs sounds like Elder George.  I'm not sure how you'd miss th-

Wait a second, you're not exploring parallel universes, are you?  You should know that that's strictly against the rules in the handbook!  You're getting so much detention when you get back. 

Sir, I've noticed that your updates have been somewhat irregular as of late. Is there any reason for this? Is everything alright?
-Taco Lightning

Hello Taco Lightning.

Thank you for your concern, but everything is alright.  It's just a busy time of year, with the holidays and all that.  The good news is that the previous year was defeated, but not without some time scars.  They'll probably heal eventually, but if you see any tears in the fabric of reality while going about your business in the tower, please steer clear of them and report them to the Council as soon as possible.  Time scars need to be treated with time bandages.

Well readers, I believe it's time for us to wrap up this week's Q&A.  Representatives from Crimson Bovine have arrived to examine the substance that  Lesser Evil's question was coated in, and I don't want to be on the wrong side of their flavor maces.  See you Monday!

The Kingdom of Happyshine (Part 1)

Hello everyone!  Intern Super Wizard Tornado Lighting* here!  I'm filling in for Lazer Gaiden today, and he's tasked me with writing a bit about the Kingdom of Happyshine.
*Before you ask, because everyone does, not a typo.  I was really bad at spelling when I took the naming ceremony and it's forbidden for Super Wizards to change their names.

The Kingdom of Happyshine is known for many things, as has been touched on at several points in the past.  In the main city you can find the Super Wizard Tower, of course, but there's a number of other important locations.  Happyshine is the name of the main city as well as the surrounding country, and it contains a number of famous landmarks.

The Tower:  The Super Wizard Tower exists in the middle of Happyshine, and it's usually the first thing you can see when approaching the city.  It's very tall.  Of course, it's also not the only Super Wizard tower, but nobody cares about the other ones because they're *comments deleted*

Crimson Bovine headquarters:  Located on the outskirts of Happyshine, with no people living within a 5 mile radius for "undisclosed reasons," this is where Crimson Bovine makes their dark flavor magic happen!  I hear that the run-off from their factory intersected with a small village of some sort once, and *comments deleted, Tornado Lighting, please see me when you read this - Lazer Gaiden*.

The Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration:  A short walk from the gates of the city of Happyshine will bring you to the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration.  It's actually a rather nice spot for a picnic, and the cliffs look rather pretty.  No one's been able to determine what exactly they're made of, but they bear the appearance of polished obsidian.  They're not obsidian though.  I hear one of the older Super Wizards said they're made of the physical manifestation of frustration, but that sounds stupid.

The Desert of Sorrow:  This place sucks.  It's hot, dry, and supernaturally depressing.  The Super Wizards are mounting an ongoing campaign to slay the desert, but I don't think they've had much success as of yet.  Most of the ones who have come back from there are depressed, but that might just be the desert talking.

The Cavern of Fireflies:  One of the prettier landmarks in Happyshine, the Cavern of Fireflies is the only place where you can find fireflies year round.  Normally, they just show up during the summer.  The Cavern doesn't really see a lot of travel, although they're the only realistic way to get to the Dark Undercold (not counting the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration, of course, but only an idiot would attempt that).  There's not a lot of people that actually WANT to go to the Dark Undercold.  People are more likely to be headed to and from Dim Underchilly, although not many people want to go there either.

The Forest of Ages:  The Forest of Ages lies on the other side of the Cavern of Fireflies.  I don't really know a whole lot about that place.  It's not dangerous, from what I hear, as long as you're not there at night.

The Plains of Abandonment:  One of the locations adjacent to the city of Happyshine. The Plains of Abandonment are weird.  They tend to attract things that have been lost for one reason or another.  People, objects, statues, pieces of buildings.  It's actually pretty common for people to wander the plains in search of things of value.  Doing that can be dangerous too though, I hear some guy "found" a tiger there once.   Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say the tiger found his lunch.  Heh.

"Mealz"

"So what's the deal with the Cavern of Fireflies?"  Burning Mermaid asked, as the trio walked down the road towards their destination.

"It's one of the few places you can find Fireflies year round."  Turbo replied.

"Let me guess."  Wolf Knight chimed in.  "They're flies that are made of literal fire, and none who have entered the cave have survived."

Turbo gave Wolf Knight a sidelong look.  "No man, they're just bugs that light up in the dark.  Kind of pretty, really."

"Oh."  Wolf Knight replied, genuinely surprised.  "That's uh...not what I was expecting."

"Lightning bugs, though, they're a different story entirely."  Turbo added, and stopped as his stomach rumbled loudly.  "Er..."

"It's alright, we've been on the road for a while.  We should probably stop and have something to eat.”  Wolf Knight said.  The trio walked off the path and set their packs at the base of a tree as Wolf Knight took the boxes suspiciously labeled ‘Mealz’ from his bag and handed one to Turbo.  Turbo visibly paled.

“They gave you mealz?!”  He said, in a hushed tone.

“...yes?”

“Oh gods...the horrors of the Super Wizard kitchens have been spoken of in terrified whispers ever since I started school here.”

Wolf Knight rolled his eyes and offered one to Burning Mermaid.  She shook her head.

"I've been to the Tower Kitchens and I know the horrors they contain.  I'll pass."  she said, folding her arms.

Wolf Knight stared at the two of them for a moment, and then looked back at the box in front of him.  He opened it up to reveal leaves, twigs, berries, something that could have been animal(?) jerky or leather, and various small rocks.  He let out a long sigh.  “This is about what I expected, yeah.”

With considerably more caution, Turbo slowly opened one of the other meal boxes.  There was a flurry of chatters, fur, and claws, and a terrified squirrel exploded out of the box and shot up the tree.

“I see no expense has been spared in preparations for this critically important quest.”  Wolf Knight said.

“Maybe they’re trying to politely hint that they want you to enroll in rabies training.”  Turbo suggested.

“That would not be a polite hint, Turbo.  That would be an assassination attempt.”  Wolf Knight said, eyeing his companion.

Turbo shrugged.

"Nobody expects weaponized squirrels."   Burning Mermaid added.  "But frankly, I've seen much worse come out of the tower kitchens, if they really wanted you dead we'd probably all be dead."

Wolf Knight shook his head, carefully slipping the final box back into his bag.  "Not really helping to put my mind at ease."  he said.  "We'll have to forage or hunt for some food, I guess."

Turbo beamed.  "I've taken a few classes in Huntomancy, I can help with that!"  he exclaimed, and before the other two could stop him, he ran off into the trees.  His two companions stood at the edge of the forest, weighing their options.

"...We should probably find him before he eats something poisonous."  Wolf Knight said, finally.

"Must we?"

He hesitated a moment.  "...Yeah, I guess so."