Student Highlights Week 1: Burning Mermaid

Hello everyone!  I hope that all of you had a pleasant weekend.  I've been assigned a field mission, so we're doing something different this week. I've chosen four students upon which to do a highlight.  We'll be looking at one of them each day this week until Friday, at which point I should have returned in time to do the weekly Q&A.  Let's kick things off with our first student highlight!

Name:  Burning Mermaid

Sex:  Female

Race:  Literally a demon

Hometown:  Guess

Strengths:  Burning Mermaid has shown extraordinary promise in all (Non-Excessive Force)Super Wizard martial disciplines except for one.  She's considered a Violenceomancy prodigy, but has staunchly refused to even consider rabies training.  When asked, she has been quoted as saying "Rabies is not a weapon, it is a disease.  If you try and ask me to take your "class" again, I will make you suffer in 97 different ways that your flimsy mortal minds cannot even comprehend."  After lengthy* discussion, the council has unanimously decided not to push the issue.
*About 3 minutes

Weaknesses:  Restraint, mercy, people skills.

History:  Burning Mermaid's origins date back to a fairly dark time in the history of the Super Wizard Tower.  Most of the senior Super Wizards had met their untimely demise at Elder George's 'Try and scale the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration' contest*, Student enrollment was at an all-time low and Happyshine was threatening to kick us out because of inability to pay taxes.  The council decided a fun and healthy way to increase student enrollment was to summon new students from the infernal realms (or their parents) and try and convince them to enroll (or enroll their children.)  Most laughed it off, but one of the summoned demons said that they had a daughter and would consider enrollment when she came of age and the time was right.
*Elder George was sternly chastised for this and did not suggest it again until at least a month later.

Soon after, there was an influx of normal students and the summoning experiment was all but forgotten for years.  It was a dark night in which the moon ran red with actual blood.  The sealed doors to the kitchen were flung open and Burning Mermaid (8 years old) emerged in a cloud of hate and brimstone carrying a pink lunchbox and a completed enrollment form.

The year she took the naming ritual is significant in that she was the only survivor.  The ritual overseer for the ritual that year has suggested keeping Burning Mermaid away from "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage at all costs in between wailing "I have seen the end!  We can't stop it, we can only slow it down!  Whatever you do, don't-"  Etc, etc.  He was referred to the tower Doomsday Scribe to write down his various warnings along with the rest of them*.
*And then immediately forget about them, as is the custom.

Notes:  Burning Mermaid is supposedly one of the students affected by the fallout of the Elder Ted incident.  While her psychopathic tendencies make it so that nobody has been quite willing to find out for sure, some theorize that she's on the same level as Wolf Knight.  Others argue that she's always been like that, and still others have suggested she shouldn't even be at the tower shortly before their unfortunate disappearances.  Most don't suggest anything regarding Burning Mermaid anymore.

Burning Mermaid was not intended to have a student highlight, and certainly not intended to be the first, but threatened extreme violence if she was not was clearly the best option.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 3)

Another week has come and gone, students.  Through the ups and the downs, the easy and the hard, the dark and the light, we survive to live another week.

Most of us, at least.  Not the students that "graduated" Rabies training.  Let's get on to this week's questions!

Completely unrelated to uh, the west wing...but at what point should you panic when you start to grow tentacles.... On your face?
-Space Slayer

I'm beginning to suspect you're not being completely honest with me, Space Slayer.

There's a reason some things are forbidden, a reason why you shouldn't gaze into the abyss, to look upon the secrets in the darkness. There are some secrets that you can't high-five away, that even overdosing on "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage can't make you forget*. Secrets that change you.
*Assuming "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage was dangerous in any way or had life-long consequences, which it does not, of course.

On the up side, you can probably qualify to take kung futhulhu now.

Recently, there's been a startling amount of processed meat wrapped in provocative advertisements showing up with my daily student messages. Are there ways to stop these deliveries? My room is starting to smell pretty rank.
-Rodeo Nova

I've been advised by The Tower's IT (Irrational Techno-Wizardry) department that they're currently attempting to update the Processed Meat Filter shields. Please try opening and closing the door to your room several times. Just be careful not to do it while they're around, as the members of the Tower's IT department tend to skitter along the walls and ceiling like insects and hiss at light sources. Some students find this to be startling and/or unsettling.

Since my recent enrollment into Rabies, I've been having dreams lately around the coming of the destroyer. The dreams are vivid at best with the destroyer being an averaged height orange troll, with yellow hair and white eyes. What was most terrifying was not that he was the destroyer, far from it, but by how in awe his minions were over his disproportionately sized hands. He also smelled like cabbage. As for my question, what are next week's lunch specials? I think the cabbage from earlier this week hasn't been settling very well with me.
-Lesser Evil

Hello, Lesser Evil. As you should well know, cabbage is a deception, and the consumption of it can cause vivid cabbage-induced dreams. These dreams can reveal certain truths within the psyche of the dreamer, however. I know a thing or two about cabbage dream interpretation, and I think the big take-away from your dream is that you have a severe fear of limbs. Doctor CoolRad can probably help you with that, if you're interested.

As for the lunch special, I don't believe Dr. Expendable Esq. has released the menu for next week yet. Last I heard he was running down the halls grabbing staff and students alike by their robes, and screaming ingredient lists at them. He may be reaching the end of his tenure.

How is what?
-The Nuclear Toaster

This is a question that has troubled every generation of Super Wizard and Elder alike since the founding of the Super Wizard tower itself. The answer is said to lie somewhere in the Dark Undercold, but the Deathlords have declined to comment on this.

I suppose I should also mention that we don't really know how to communicate with the Deathlords. When asking questions, the elders go to the nearest window and scream their questions into the sky, but this hasn't actually resulted in the questions being answered as of yet. We suspect they're ignoring us.

With regard to disemboweling live targets, is there any practical classes I can take to refine my technique prior to our next deployment? Current targets don't spend long enough screaming in agony.
-Sergeant Gorecrunch

I...don't actually recognize your name, or see you on any of the rosters.  I'm also not sure why you submitted your question what I can only hope is...fleshier than average paper and red ink.

Upon closer inspection, it appears that this question was intended for someone in the Dark Undercold to answer.  Seems as though I'll need to have a conversation with our postal workers.  I think we have a new guy on the job after the old one had some sort of unfortunate disemboweling incident.  One of the risks our brave postal workers take every day.

Isn't it against some sort of rule to post a class transcript and publicly humiliate students?
-Wolf Knight

Super Wizards don't have rules, Wolf Knight. Only students do.

Problem Students

The Super Wizard Tower is generally a very productive learning environment. We have our own challenges, but they're usually pretty manageable. The Elder Ted incident, however, has left us with some...unique challenges. Let's sit in on one of Elder Jack's classes.

*****


“As the sun set, I saw the silhouette of five figures playing wicked metal at the edge of the cliff. They wore Viking helmets and shred on axes that were also literal axes. All five of them were mounted on unicorns. Black unicorns. Black unicorns that were also motorcycles. The motorcycles were magical, of course, because anything else would be silly. ...Yes, Wolf Knight?”

“Yes, thank you sir. What’s a motorcycle?”
“It’s...like a horse with wheels instead of legs.”
“Wouldn’t that just be a cart?”
“No, it has two wheels, not four.”
“That seems silly. How would you carry anything on that?”
“You would...listen, it’s just something you ride.”
“What do you feed it?”
“What do you...it’s not a living thing, boy.”
“Do you pull it with a horse then? That seems like it would defeat the purpose. Why not just ride a horse? And how would you keep it from falling over?”
“It’s faster than a horse, but it’s a skill you need to learn. And it’s self-propelled.”
“By magic?”
“...sure, yes. By magic. Now please sit down and let me continue.”

“A rainbow suddenly formed and spread across the landscape, but it was an evil rainbow. Blood rained down from it and stained anywhere it touched. ...Yes, Wolf Knight?”

“Yes sir, thank you. How can a rainbow be evil?”
“Because it’s raining blood. That’s a pretty clear cut way to tell if a rainbow is evil or not.”
“Are you sure it’s evil? Maybe it’s just wounded.”
“Rainbows can’t be wounded, Wolf Knight. That’s ridiculous. Please try and take this class seriously"
“Right, of course sir.”

“My eyes were drawn to a volcano, where two barbarians were locked in mortal combat. One look at their rippling muscles told me that either of them could probably crush my head like a grape just by flexing.”

“An impossibly huge, clawed red hand emerged from the volcano and grasped the side. Very soon, the head of a dragon angel with a terrifying halo and more teeth than I could count followed. The two barbarians paused their combat and their eyes met, a momentary truce formed without words. The two men rushed the beast as the wicked metal music swelled, but both were reduced to bloody smears at the edge of the volcano with a single crack of the dragon angel's barbed tail.”
 
“The dragon fixed its gaze on me, and the destroyer of civilizations and heroes far greater than I chuckled. “So, Super Wizard!” It barked, in a voice that caused the very earth to rumble. “Do you still feel so-*sigh* What, Wolf Knight? What problem do you have now?”

“Yes, thank you sir. What the hell is a dragon angel?”
“It’s a being that’s part dragon and part angel, obviously.”
“Sir, I don’t think the word obviously really fits here. How, logistically speaking, would a dragon and an angel produce offspring?”
“I try very hard not to think of such things, boy.”
“Also, do angels actually exist? I mean, dragons clearly do, but angels? Doesn’t that sort of prove the existence of -”
“Not covered in this class, Wolf Knight. Maybe you should look into Elder Jeff’s “Which Religious Entities are Real, and which of those are Awesome to Fight?” class next semester. Now please sit down.” Elder Jack let out a weary sigh as the bell rang. “I guess that’s the end of class. We’ll continue the lesson of “How to head-lock a dragon angel” next time."

Meet the T-Shirt Trolls

If you've spent any time at all in the gift shop and cafe reception area, you've probably noticed that the staff aren't exactly human.  The gift shop and cafe reception area is staffed entirely by the T-Shirt Trolls, a sub-race of the troll species that is uniquely gifted in the creation of T-shirts*.  The trolls were hired by the Tower after their former place of employment, 'The Bargain Brigand, was shut down.  It turned out they were literally robbing their customers**.* The reasons for this are not entirely known.  The trolls themselves will mournfully explain that it's a curse of some sort, but the story is incredibly boring and no one's stayed awake long enough to hear the whole thing.
**Happyshine authorities were quoted as saying "We probably should have suspected something amiss by the name of the business, or the folks turning up at our office saying "Please help! I was literally robbed at Bargain Brigand!."  Our bad."

Tools of the Trade (Part 2)

Today we'll be discussing part 2 in our ongoing examination of the many and varied tools of the Super Wizard occupation.  I'll also be touching on some of the Excessive Force weapons.

Miscellaneous tools

"Crimson Bovine" Diet Power Beverage:  Although not nearly as popular as the regular beverage, the "Crimson Bovine" Diet Power Beverage is an important backup to keep around.  The healing properties of the diet variant are not quite as strong, but it can be used by those who can't or won't have the sweeter natural version.  For some super wizards, losing a few fingers is an acceptable trade to staying on their diet!
Half the calories, all the flavor*, twice the carcinogens!  Partially non-toxic.
*Admittedly, this stuff tastes awful.

Box of Happyshine Happiness:  As suggested by its name, the primary export of the city of Happyshine is happiness.  It, of course, has a vast number of uses for the average person and Super Wizard alike! 
DANGER:  HIGHLY TOXIC AND FLAMMABLE!  KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND ADULTS!  Gluten-free.

Weapons

Weaponized Grizzly Bears:  Use your imagination.
Comes with a honey-back guarantee.  Keep away from picnic baskets.

Excessive Force Weaponry

The Super Wizard Tower has access to a number of special weapons that are only used for specific situations.  Training for these weapons is typically not made available to students until post-graduation.

X-52 Giant Robot:  Upgrade from X51 giant robot.  No longer requires combination of five smaller tiger robots.  For the solitary galactic hero.  Equipped with scream-activated weaponry and red paint job to increase speed.
The X-52 Giant Robot is currently in for repairs* at the local Happyshine repair shop "Price-Gougers." As they're mostly used to repair carts, it's expected to take a while.
*Turns out the X-52 Giant Robot does not accept "Crimson Bovine" Diet Power Beverage as a fuel source, only the regular kind.

Orbital Satellite Beam: I've mentioned this one in passing. The Orbital Satellite beam is a piece of ancient, magic technology in orbit around the planet. By speaking the magic incantation and pressing a correct combination of keys on an enchanted tablet, the Orbital Satellite beam can be positioned and let loose a devastating stream of magical energy at a target.
Note: Use of the Orbital Satellite Beam is NOT to be practiced indoors in the Sparing Arena. This is a mistake that is never to be repeated a second time.

Gaze into the single, unblinking eye of the angel of death. Or don't, because it fires giant lasers.

Tower Facilities (Part 2)

I hope that everybody who survived Saturday's poetry slam had a great weekend!  I'm sure that the physical, mental, and emotional scars will heal with time.  Let's not waste any time getting into today's entry, lest we reopen the previously mentioned scars (which I do not wish to do as I have used all of my allotted therapy cards for the year).  Today we'll be discussing more of the facilities you'll find in the Super Wizard Tower.

The Sparring Arena:  I'll be brief about this one so to not reopen scars completely unrelated to poetry slams.  The Tower had a full sparring arena where students can safely practice combat skills that they've learned.  The walls are reinforced, there's plenty of emergency Crimson Bovine supplies, and there are sniper balconies near the top of the room on both sides.  Snipers on one side have tranquilizer darts, while those on the other side have crossbows.  It's important to learn which side does what.
IMPORTANT NOTE:  THE SPARRING ARENA DOES NOT, HAS NEVER, AND NEVER WILL STOCK LIVE TARGETS.

The Gift Shop and Cafe Reception Area:  The Tower maintains a small area near the entrance for the public to visit.  This area contains a small gift shop and cafe.  With the kitchen being...whatever it is, many students attempt to get their food here.  This is not advised, however, because the cafe only sells more of the 'I Heart Happyshine' and 'I'd Super Wizard that in a heartbeat!'* shirts that never sell.  More importantly, the reception area is here.  Most students are enrolled through the reception area, with the exception of the rare student that was summoned from the infernal realms during low enrollment periods.
*The Royal Beard has not been permitted to suggest shirt designs since this.

The Elder Floors:  As you've all no doubt noticed, there are a number of floors that are off limits to all but the Elders.  What exactly is kept up there is unknown, whispered about by the students and full Super Wizards alike.  Rumors are that you can find anything from forbidden weapons, records and tomes detailing the hidden origins of the Super Wizard order, and even some rumors of prisons.  If you're around one of the gateways to the Elder floors, sometimes you can hear low, pained moans, or sounds that nothing human could possibly make.

My guess is that they have a ping pong table and a private fridge up there and don't want to share.

The Naming Room:  The Naming Room is a very special room that has a single purpose and is only used once a year for the Naming Ceremony.  The Super Wizard Naming ceremony is a sacred tradition that has been maintained for as long as anyone can remember.  In the middle of the year, all of the students who have turned ten years of age are given six (6) Crimson Bovine Power Beverages to consume and are sealed within the Naming Room for ten minutes.  When released at the height of their Crimson Bovine fervor, they will choose the name that they will wear for the rest of their Super Wizarding career.  The room itself has walls adorned with scenes of battle, explosions, and dragons.  It also bears the scratches and dents from many generations of super wizard trainees.  Most students do not suffer lasting injury from this ceremony*.
*The same cannot be said of those present when the Naming Room is reopened, but it's a risk they take as Super Wizards.  Their supreme, boundless courage from the act of drawing the short straw will never be forgotten.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 2)

After the great response to the Q&A last week, I've decided to make this a recurring segment on Fridays.  It's a great way to end the week, and answer the pressing questions that so many of you have about the Tower.

What would happen if somebody...erm...went into the West Wing.  By accident!  Asking for a friend!
-Space Slayer

The West Wing does not exist.  Those who enter the West Wing will be assigned mandatory kitchen duty.

Does the tower even stock shovels for digging?  Cause sometimes you need to bury a body...I mean, dig holes.
-Rodeo Nova

No, the Tower doesn't actually stock shovels for digging purposes, although you can surely find one in Happyshine.  If you're interested, the Super Wizard Tower also has an agreement with the Happyshine "Totally Legit" Vocational School (Down at the Docks branch) that allows our students to take non-credit courses.  Enrolling is easy!  All you need to do is go to warehouse 35, knock on the door five times and then whisper to the nearby barrel "If wishes were stars, the hours would walk."  The barrel is not always in the same location, but it is always there.  The barrel is always there.  If the barrel is not there, you must run.  Run as fast as you can, leave this place behind you, and above all, do NOT look back.

Once you get in, I think the class you're looking for is "Digging holes for fun, profit, and evidence disposal."

How deep is the bottomless pit in the ladies restroom?
-Lesser Evil

It's about 10 feet deep.  On a related note, Lesser Evil, please stay out of the ladies restroom.  There have been complaints, and the "I got lost" excuse will only work so many times.  The tower is only slightly non-euclidean and you should really be familiar with the layout by now.

How has the Super Wizard Tower gone this long without realizing that rabies is a dangerous disease, and not a magical weapon?
-Wolf Knight

My, what an interesting and completely unpredictable question.

Will we at least get partial credit for Abstract Art classes?  Elder [NAME DELETED] bent himself across all timelines in the middle of the semester.
-Throat-Punch Ballet

Unfortunately no.  All material even tangentially related to Elder [NAME DELETED]'s classes* have been shredded, incinerated, loaded into an iron cannonball blessed by the Eight Priests of Happyshine, and catapulted into the Dark Undercold.  And then blasted a few times with the Super Wizard orbital satellite beam.
*Elder Russel, teacher of the Interpretive Dance classes, will be remembered fondly.  Not for the panicked dances that no one understood before being loaded into the cannonball, but for all the other dances that nobody understood.

When will the Tower start stocking the sparring arena with live targets again?
-Burning Mermaid

There...never were live targets in the sparring arena...

On that note, I suddenly have a very urgent matter to look into.  I hope you all have a good weekend.