Reminders and Announcements

Hello Students!

As we at the Super Wizard Tower begin to resume normal operation once more, the Council has asked me to remind everyone of a few things.

Current list of missing students (As assembled by Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden)

Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid: Currently on an epic quest to collect blood samples from the eight Deathlords of the Dark Undercold.

Turbo Thunder: Currently visiting family, visit taking longer than expected.  We'll be following up with his family soon to see where he's gotten off to.

Space Slayer and Lesser Evil: Presumably still lost in other dimensions / alternate realities. Subjects of an ongoing investigation regarding the murder of a young eyeball waterfall / beat boxing mouth.*
*The council also has no idea what to make of this and is trying to decide if it's a prank or not.

Taco Lightning: Still missing, possibly having been kidnapped by otherworldly forces. Not located in the Nightmare Closet. Possibly in the basement.  Rumors that she is being held in the West Wing should be discounted, as the West Wing is still closed for repairs and also because there is no West Wing.

I think that's all of the missing students!  Now for some announcements.

Announcements

Recreation and Quarantine Wing Lock down:  PLEASE NOTE that the Recreation and Quarantine Wing is still under lock down while we try and figure out what to do about the Rodeo Nova and Ninja Bunny situation.  This room should be avoided AT ALL COSTS*.  To prevent further incidents and confusion regarding this announcement, we have put all available locks on the entrance to this facility.  Students will be informed when/if this lock down is lifted.

*The only exception to this is if you’re on food duty, and even then, you should only use the designated feeding receptacles.

Note to Spooker Wizards:  Decorating with real bones, while not forbidden, is heavily frowned upon.  The Super Wizard Order can't really afford to be banned from any more Happyshine graveyards, so please keep this in mind.  Also, remember that "procuring" bones from your fellow students is absolutely against the rules.  Anyone who violates this rule will be given detention, kitchen duty, or Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny feeding duty, depending on availability.

Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe:  Please keep in mind that the Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe has begun ghost molting.  All of you know what this means, so please be mindful of it.

That should be all for now.  Stay tuned for Thursday, when we'll have a new bestiary entry, and Friday for the long awaited return of Q&A.

Chronicles of the Rodeo-Ninja War (Part 2)

Several weeks ago...

"So according to the brochure that the Council gave me..."  Wolf Knight started, as the trio of adventurers walked down the sunlit path.  "...Not all of the Deathlords actually live in the castle.  Only Lord Darkblood Killdeath does, really."

"That's inconvenient, and makes the name of the castle misleading."  Burning Mermaid replied.  A group of laughing children ran across the path in front of them.

"I've got to say, this place...is not exactly what I expected."  Turbo said.  "I kind of expected more...dark, and evil, and...miscellaneous other effects of a cursed land."

"I agree.  This doesn't feel homey at all.  Maybe I should have stayed at the Tower, Rodeo Nova is well on her way to making that place more like home."  Burning Mermaid said, with a sigh.

"Yeah, about that."  Wolf Knight said.  "Are either of you at all concerned with the complete lack of communication of any sort from the Tower lately?"

"It's probably fine."  Turbo replied, with a shrug.  "I'm confident in the ability of our Super Wizard superiors to handle pretty much anything."

****

"CATCH THE RABBITS!  DON'T LET ANY ESCAPE!"

"WE'VE LOST CLASSROOM 2B!"

"KEEP THEM SEPARATED!  FIVE OF THESE ARE STUDENTS AND ONE IS A CHAIR!"

"CLASSROOM 2C IS RABBITS!  ALL OF IT' IS RABBITS!  RABBITS!  OH GODS, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

"...Do you hear...barking?"

****

"...It's alarming, but I think he actually believes that."  Wolf Knight said, looking back at Turbo Thunder.

"I'm somewhat surprised the Tower didn't explode immediately after we left."  Burning Mermaid agreed.  "Or while we were still there.  Or on any given day."

"You two need to have more faith in the Council and the Super Wizards."  Turbo Thunder said, shaking his head.

****

"THE COUNCIL IS RABBITS!"

"EVEN ELDER FRED?!"

"No, Elder Fred is fine.  So stoic and brave in the face of adversity!"

"Truly an inspiration to us all."

**BANG BANG BANG**

**BARK BARK**

**BANG BANG BANG**

"Something's trying to get through the door!  Protect the Rabbit Council!"

****

"Oh we have faith in the Council and Super Wizards."  Wolf Knight said.  "Just not faith that they know what they're doing."

"The Tower's got great defenses!"  Turbo argued.  "Nothing is getting into the Tower if the Council doesn't want it there."

****

The great iron doors to the Council Chambers were ripped off their hinges and thrown to the side with a deafening clang and a cloud of debris.

"What in the name of Torp..."

As the dust cleared, the threat gradually came into view.  It was a giant mass of amorphous dogs, barking and panting with multiple tentacle-like tails, all wagging happily.  A pink, jeweled collar around one of the dog-head protrusions read 'Magistrate Snugglebutt the Unspeakable.  If found, return to Rodeo Nova at the Super Wizard Tower in Happyshine.'

"...If we get through this, we really, REALLY need to get that girl to a psychologist."

Chronicles of the Rodeo-Ninja War (Part 1)

Hello readers! My, it has been quite some time, hasn't it? I do apologize for our absence, but there were...circumstances out of our control. The computer that I use to update this blog, along with our IT staff(s) and a great number of other things had been transmogrified into rabbits*, you see. Things have been...eventful here.

*Due to recent events, the Council have decided to move Rabbit Transmogrification to one of the forbidden arts, at least for the time being.**
**The council (Except for Elder Fred and Elder Malcolm) was transmogrified into rabbits shortly after making this decision. The best and brightest Super Wizards are currently in the process of developing Council Transmogrification, but have had limited success***.
***The Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe suggested Ghost Transmogrification. When it was pointed out, however, that this was just a stupid term he made up for death, he made an obscene gesture while slowly disappearing into a wall****.
****This would have normally caused the council to increase resources to finding a replacement for the scribe, but in their current state, they settled for passive-aggressively nibbling on lettuce.

The IT department(s) has been urging the Council to update their transmogrification protection to current standards for years, but they've been slow to act.  Whether it was the cost and effort involved in bringing the protection up to compliance, or the weird, eldritch chittering language of the IT department(s)*, they were not prepared for what was to come.
*Or, I suspect, both.

Anyway, you see, two of our more...well-known students took their animosity for each other to the next level and went to all-out war.  Rodeo Nova and Ninja Bunny have only recently been contained in the Recreation and Quarantine Wing, and a student lottery has been set up to see who's responsible for bringing them food and other necessities while we figure out what to do with them, or for them to resolve whatever their differences are.

No one's entirely sure what happened to spark this war, but the following argument was heard by those listening out of sight before the hostilities began:

"ALL MATTER IS RABBITS AT ITS PURIST FORM!"

"THAT'S STUPID!  YOU'RE STUPID!  SUMMON THE HOUNDS!"

"Do you even know what you're doing with Hound Summoning?!  You're taking concentrated evil and putting it in the shape of a dog!"

"EVIL IS A GOOD BOY AND JUST WANTS WALKIES AND TUMMY SCRATCHES!"

"AND SOULS!"

"ONLY ON TUESDAYS IF THEY EAT ALL THEIR FOOD AND DON'T MESS ON THE CARPET!  And don't act like you're a saint!  Last week you turned the entire math class into rabbits!"

"I freed them from their earthly non-rabbit shackles!"

"What does that even mean?!  My hounds never do stuff like that!"

"ONE OF YOUR HOUNDS ATE SUPER WIZARD FLYING RAINBOW AN HOUR AGO!"

"Well he had a stupid name."

"HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE?!"

"Commodore Scritch-Scratch hates stupid names.  And stop changing the subject!  I know you know the secrets of Hound Transmogrification!"

"You'll never figure it out!"

"I'll make you tell me!"

"I don't know the secrets, there was only one place to learn them!"

"WHERE?!"

"The library!"

"NO!"

"IN A BOOK!"

"NO!  LIES!"

"YOUR HUBRIS AGAINST INANIMATE OBJECTS HAS BECOME YOUR DOWNFALL!"



...We'll discuss what followed in the days to come.  For the time being, we're still in the process of rebuilding after this...event, and there's much to do.

However, rest assured, readers!  We have pulled through another disaster, and will continue to be a shining beacon on the horizon for Super Wizards (And Super Wizards at heart*) everywhere!
*People who can't afford tuition.

The March of Trundles the Love Imp

Can you hear the thundering of unsteady foot steps?  The tromp tromp tromp of Trundles trundling along?  The Skitter-squeaking footfall of his dread army of innumerable cuddle knights?  Lock your doors and shutter your windows, for today is their day.  Today is the March of Trundles the Love Imp.

Today is February 14th, as you all well know, the day when Trundles the Love Imp and his cuddle knights rampage across the land.  They're also around on other days of the year, but no one really knows where they're holed up.  Cuddle knights usually start popping up around the beginning of the month to start bolstering Trundles' army.

There's a lot we don't know about Trundles and his Cuddle Knights.  Why do they rampage?  Why is the death(?) toll so high?  Where do they go after the rampage?  All who have sought the answer to this question are either dead or wear the horrifyingly cuddly armor of the Cuddle Knights.  Here's an overview of this infamous day!

Origins:  Trundles the Love Imp has been around for as long as our recorded history goes back.  His exact origins are shrouded in mystery, and there are theories regarding it.  One of the popular theories is that his creation was a side-effect of the Super Wizard Order weaponizing Love*.  Some think that he was montaged into existence with The Eighties**.
*The Excessive Force weapon that is Love will be discussed in a future entry.
**This theory doesn't hold a lot of weight as The Eighties were a recent discovery, although it has been argued that 'The Eighties are really weird.'

Activities:  There are a number of activities to enjoy during this festive...holiday sounds wrong.  Event?  Yeah, that works.  The most popular activity is, of course, cowering under your bed.  All beds in the student dorm are equipped with a designated Trundles Cowering Space.  Full Super Wizards have their Cowering Closets, and the Council has the luxurious Cowering Lounge complete with mini-bar.  At least, that's what I'm told.

I suppose that's really only one activity then.  So one activity to enjoy.  I think it goes without saying that classes are canceled as well.  We've learned the lesson of trying to hold classes on 2/14 after the incident with the late Elder Dave.

Discount Chocolate Day:  The day immediately following 2/14, of course, is Discount Chocolate Day, the official holiday where all stores sharply discount their supplies of chocolate and various other candies.  This is done to celebrate having survived Trundles the Love Imp one more year, and in memory of those who fell to the girth of his affection.  It's common to see the confections bearing messages like 'You survived! (Sorry if you didn't)' and 'Life has never tasted sweeter!'

Well readers, I should get back to my traditional cowering.  Here's hoping to see all of you tomorrow, when we all simultaneously celebrate our survival and drown our sorrows.  Hopefully more of the former than the later this year, but who can say?

Q&A With Lighting Tornado?

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here.

It's finally time.  I can't possibly say how long I've been waiting for this.  The Council has ruled that Lazer Gaiden probably isn't coming back, so it's finally...finally time...for Q&A With Lighting Tornado!

Hold on, someone's knocking at the door.

****

Hello readers!  It's been some time, hasn't it?  I apologize for my absence, I...er...managed to get myself locked in the Tower's nightmare closet.  I'm not really sure why we have that, but thankfully Throat-Punch Ballet helped me escape while montaging himself out of the basement.  The good news is that we're free!  The bad news is that we're still no closer to figuring out where the basement actually is.

Anyway, Lighting Tornado has been relegate to the corner with the spray bottle again, as per the standard procedure when dealing with interns.  So with that out of the way, I shall resume Q&A.  Oh how I've missed this!  Let's see what questions you have that I may answer, my friends!

What's this I hear about rabbit transmogrification classes? Why aren't you offering dog transmogrification? After all, why would you want a table, or a chair, or an awful soul-sucking book when you could have a giant cuddly puppy with sharp teeth?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello again, readers.  This is Lighting Tornado again.  I'm not sure exactly what caused this to happen, but Lazer Gaiden suddenly sat bolt upright at his desk and slammed his fist through the glass covering of an emergency button on the wall that I never seemed to have noticed and then leaped out the window.  There's a label of some sort by the button, hold on...'In case of Rodeo Nova incident, break glass.'  Ah.

Looks like he managed to survive the fall unscathed.  Not sure how he did that, we're pretty high up.  I guess that's why he's the Super Wizard and I'm the intern.  It looks like he's trying to set the tower on fire now?  That's not going to work, the Tower's made of stone.

The Council just left the Tower now, probably drawn out by this piercing alarm, and they're trying to get Lazer Gaiden to calm down I think.  Elder Bob just slapped him, and it looks like that worked.  I can't quite hear them from up here, but I think Lazer Gaiden is explaining the situation to them now?  Ah, yeah, that's probably it, because now the Council is trying to help him set the Tower on fire.  Still made of stone, guys.

I should probably go.  At the rate they're going, they might end up succeeding.  Until next time, readers.

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 3)

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here again for another addition to the Super Wizard Bestiary!


Cuddle Knights
Danger level: Very high
Where to find them: Anywhere, especially at this time of year
Description: Cuddle Knights are the followers of Trundles the Love Imp, and they're especially prevalent around this time of year as they prepare for the March of Trundles the Love Imp on the 14th.  We'll talk more about that next week, I'm sure.  Basically, Cuddle Knights are a sort of unknown creature that can create more of themselves through unknown means.  They're sort of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid.  You don't want to mess with these guys.
How to deal with them: Get as far away from them as possible and notify the authorities.  Remember that when you see someone offering free hugs, nothing in life comes for free.

Turbo Mosquitoes
Danger level:  Pretty high
Where to find them:  The Mire of Turbo Death
Description:  The stories aren't really clear on whether the Mire of Turbo Death was named because of the Turbo Mosquitoes or the other way around.  Probably the other way around, since Turbo Mosquitoes are by far not the only dangerous thing that lives in that Mire.  These guys feed on blood like regular Mosquitoes, but they do it really, really fast.  They're kind of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid.
How to deal with them:  Don't go to the Mire of Turbo Death

Expired Crimson Bovine
Danger level: EXREME
Where to find them: Anywhere that carries Crimson Bovine past the legal disposal date.
Description: Crimson Bovine Inc. explicitly states in fine print on each bottle of Crimson Bovine that the product is not intended to be kept past its expiration date.  This is usually not an issue, as the stock is usually consumed before expiration occurs.  If it DOES expire, however the [REDACTED BY CRIMSON BOVINE INC.]
How to deal with them: Crimson Bovine that's about to expire is traditionally fired into space with Crimson Bovine Disposal Cannons.

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 2)

Hello everyone, Intern Super Wizard Lighting Tornado here again!  Today I'll be giving you part 2 of the Super Wizard Bestiary that Lazer Gaiden started.

Demons
Danger level:  Possibly apocalyptic
Where to find them:  In your nightmares, occasionally as classmates at the Tower.
Description:  Legends found in dusty old texts spared from Rodeo Nova's wrath state that a demon walking the land will cause the end of the world.  Honestly though, they can get in line.  Seems like the world's in danger of being ended by basically everything nowadays.  If it's not demons, it's the nonsense with the West Wing or the more boring Super Wizards proclaiming that using The Eighties will kill us all.
How to deal with them:  Ours likes cute things, so bribery usually works.  Not sure about others though.

Eighties Spawn
Danger level:  Varies
Where to find them:  In the aftermath of montages, homeless in the slums of Happyshine, possibly in your classroom
Description: A common misconception of Eighties Spawn after Lazer Gaiden brought them up is that Eighties Spawn are all humans.  This is not actually the case, as there have been reports of both human and animal and...neither.  Part of the risk involved in the montage is that you don't know what will happen by the end.  You could end up with a flock of seagulls haircut, or surrounded by burly lumberjacks dressed in business casual riding ponies made of sparkles.
How to deal with them: Honestly I don't have a good answer for this.  No one does, really.  No one's really sure exactly where Eighties Spawn come from, not even the Eighties Spawn themselves.  Some theories say that they're actually created BY the montage.

Invertmites
Danger level:  Depends on whether or not you've got a fear of tasteful furniture.  Yes, that's a thing.
Where to find them:  If a new village turns up on the map, odds are good you'll find them here.
Description:  Invertmites are a pest of sorts that rapidly construct lovely wooden furniture through unknown means.  Their magical status is a matter of some debate, although they're notoriously difficult to actually locate.  If you don't think sudden furniture sounds that bad, you've clearly not experienced the nightmare of waking up to find a brand new armoire with beautiful floral carvings in your bedroom.  In the middle of the night.  With your foot.
How to deal with them:  Usually, you don't.  You're way, way more likely to find their leavings than the critters themselves.  And they often turn up in inconvenient places.  I heard a story of someone who found a huge, brand new dresser with intricate carvings depicting ancient battles in their closet.  Except it was too big to open the drawers, or (probably more importantly) even remove from the closet.  Some people think they're not actually bugs, but gnomes.  This is silly, of course, because gnomes don't exist.

Crimson Bovine Runoff
Danger level:  I'm legally required to say safe.
Where to find them:  Near Crimson Bovine factories, which non-employees aren't supposed to be around anyway.
Description:  Crimson Bovine has the best, most (safe) highly toxic runoff of any company ever.  In a recent push to be more environmentally friendly, they've taken to piping (most of) their runoff into alternate planes of reality.  This is probably fine.
How to deal with them:  Unless you're employed by Crimson Bovine, your odds of this ever being an issue are low.  I'm told Crimson Bovine Inc. holds the right to press charges in the event of maiming, death, possession by otherworldly forces, or....hm...this is a really long list.  Basically don't trespass on Crimson Bovine property or they'll probably sue you or what's left of you.  That assuming, of course, that Crimson Bovine wasn't perfectly safe.  Which I'm legally required to say is not the case.