Hazards of Happyshine (Part 1)

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here once more with a new and exciting series!  In this one, we'll be discussing various hazards found around Happyshine.  This stuff doesn't really fit the mold of a bestiary, so I decided to give them their own series.  This will usually include various flora and anomalies.  The stuff we'll talk about in this series will range from inconvenient to outright deadly.

Mary Sumac
Danger Level:  Varies
Type of Hazard: Flora
Where to find them: Around other kinds of plants
How to recognize them:  Mary Sumac is known to grow among various other kinds of plants.  It's easily distinguishable for being bigger, more vibrant, and growing faster than any of the plants around it.
Description:  Mary Sumac is a type of semi-dangerous plant that is relatively common around Happyshine.  It's considered poisonous, but rather than having any physical effects it causes a great deal of swelling of one's sense of importance.  This is temporary, but it can lead to the victim doing some pretty stupid stuff until it works its way out of their system.  That being said, the plant itself is not considered very dangerous, but it can be the cause of the victim putting themselves in dangerous situation.
How to deal with them:  Avoid, do not handle without protection.  Can also be removed by someone skilled in Combat Composition.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Allergic reactions to Mary Sumac have been known to extend the effects for unknown periods of time.  Not even the council is immune to this possibility, as witnessed by our very own Elder Mary.  It's a good thing our very own Elder Mary is the best at being immune to things in addition to being the prettiest and wisest Elder at the Tower!

Edited by Elder Mary on 1XXX at 5:03 PM

Boom Flowers
Danger Level: High
Type of Hazard: Flora
Where to find them: Usually anywhere you don't want to find them
How to Recognize them: Boom flowers are large and round and brightly colored in reds and oranges.
Description:  Ho boy, where to begin with these things.  Boom Flowers are an invasive species from...somewhere.  We're not really sure where, but we're pretty sure that it qualifies as a war crime.  These flowers produce and store a highly explosive and volatile nectar.  This would be bad enough on its own, but they also have a nasty habit of turning bees into boom bees.  Bees are awesome.  I love bees.  Know what I don't love?  Explosive bees.

How to deal with them:  Avoid, and contact authorities in Happyshine as soon as possible.  Boom Flowers are one of the very few species of flora or fauna that we make an active and concerted effort to kill off whenever and as much as possible.

Plot Holes
Danger Level:  Wildly varies
Type of Hazard: anomaly
Where to find them: Around the novice Combat Composition classrooms, sometimes out in the wild.
How to Recognize them: This is a bit tricky, as they're difficult to distinguish from regular holes.
Description:  Plot holes are one of the more confusing hazards to deal with.  They tend to show up around untrained users of Combat Composition, but they occur naturally in the wild through unknown means.  You really don't want to fall into one of these things, as they can cause all sorts of weirdness to happen.  You could fall into one and then suddenly you're married and have a child, and the spouse and child are both yourself.
How to deal with them:  A safe bet is to not jump into holes you find.  We've found that this is also good advice for regular holes, so it's win-win. If they show up in an area where holes are probably not supposed to be and/or are inconvenient to be, it might be in your best interest to find someone skilled in Combat Composition to deal with them.  Make sure the person knows what they're doing, however, because this can sometimes make the holes worse.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:  I probably shouldn't really be talking about this, but rumors say that the Tower's West Wing [TEXT REMOVED]

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 5)

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here with another bestiary update!  I'm also working on an additional series that will be about various non-beast entities and dangers around Happyshine.

Void Hounds
Danger Level:  Unspeakable
Where to find them:  Ancient dead cities, dark corners of the earth, the Super Wizard Tower Kitchen, or in the company of Rodeo Nova*.
Description:  Void hounds can only very loosely be referred to as dogs.  Their actual appearances (assuming others look like the only one we've seen) are huge, amorphous masses of dog-like protrusions, including tails and heads.  Often surrounded by gibbering cultists.
How to deal with them:  To be honest, we only recently confirmed that Void hounds exist during the Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny war.  As much as I hate to admit it, the only reliable way we have of dealing with them are to get Rodeo Nova.  The one we've seen caused untold destruction, but it's unclear whether this was done maliciously or if the monstrosity is, in fact, just another (horrifying) sort of dog.  Rodeo Nova claims "All dogs and dog-like things require my love, even the eldritch ones."
*Magistrate Snugglebutt the Unspeakable.


Carnivorous Happiness Flies
Danger Level:  High
Where to find them:  Near Happyshine Happiness industrial waste disposal facilities
Description:  As most know, Happiness is the primary export of Happyshine, and we produce a lot of it.  The extreme levels of toxicity in the production (not to mention the finished product) is lethal to most living beings, but standard house flies seem to have a defense of sorts to this.  Instead of killing them, it causes them to mutate into the horrific Carnivorous Happiness Flies.  One of them is dangerous enough, but they usually swarm.
How to deal with them:  As a general rule, Happiness Flies don't stray too far from happiness waste disposal facilities.  Studies regarding the creatures have been few and far between because of how dangerous they are, but prevailing theories are that once the mutation occurs, they need the waste or something in the waste for continued survival.  That being said, improvements have long since been made to hazardous happiness suits to add protection against fly attacks.  Unless you have a job handling happiness, you'll probably never run into these creatures.  As part of the their safety requirements, most companies that produce Happyshine Happiness are required to staff Happiness Fly exterminators, but you know how corporations can be.

Evil Rainbows
Danger Level:  Most of the time, none, but they are pretty creepy
Where to find them:  After evil rain.
Description:  Few things are as horrifying as evil rainbows*, those colorful bands of light that rain blood onto the land below them.  Contrary to popular belief, however, the raining blood is actually a trick of the light**.
How to deal with them:  In most cases, your best best is to just look the other way.  Unless the evil rainbow is also a vampire, but they're not very common.
*Not to be confused with Rainbow Evil, the popular Happyshine cartoon character
**In most cases

Student Highlight: Blood Rainbow

Name: Blood Rainbow

Sex:  Female

Race: Sorrow-born

Hometown: The Kingdom of Sorrow*
*For those of you that don't know, yes, this is connected to the Desert of Sorrow.  We'll talk about this in a future entry.

Strengths:  As one of the few Sorrow-born students, Blood Rainbow is exceptionally skilled in the art of Combat Composition with a specialty in Goth Poetry.  She's being scouted by the Spooker Wizard faction as a potential recruit.

Weaknesses:  Not very fun at parties.

History:  Blood Rainbow is, as mentioned above, a Sorrow-born from the Kingdom of Sorrow.  Please don't ask where Sorrow-born come from, the process and result are very depressing.  Most Sorrow-born don't actually leave the Kingdom of Sorrow, and the kingdom itself doesn't get many visitors.

Blood Rainbow was recruited the same day she was almost banned from Happyshine in something they refer to as The Blood Rainbow Incident.  Actual eye-witness accounts are somewhat few and far between, but the stories go that she wandered into a town as though in a daze (As she has a habit of doing) and anyone within earshot became cripplingly depressed.  The Council (correctly) theorized that she had a great deal of natural potential in Combat Composition, but a somewhat limited ability to control it.  They took her in and she's been here ever since.

A few question marks remain regarding her history, however.  No one is really sure how or why she ended up in Happyshine.  She doesn't like to talk about her home, and to be frank, the Kingdom of Sorrow is usually avoided by most people.  She hasn't expressed any real desire to go back home, and no one's come looking for her either, so she's found a home at the tower.

Notes:  Because of the incident and the massive disruption it caused, Blood Rainbow has a partial ban from Happyshine.  She's permitted to attend lessons at the Tower, but has been forbidden to go out into town without an escort to ensure she keeps her substantial ability to depress others in check.

It should be noted that Blood Rainbow has some sort of immunity or resistance to Crimson Bovine.  "Doctor" CoolRad has theorized that the beverage is having some sort of effect on her, but the results of Crimson Bovine consumption by Sorrow-born has not been extensively studied*.  This being said, Blood Rainbow is one of the very few exceptions of the student body allowed to leave the Tower for "real" medical treatment in case of emergencies.**
*The request of the good "Doctor" to use Blood Rainbow as a guinea pig was denied by the medical board of Happyshine, along with the usual threats of litigation that he added to his collection.
**With an escort, as mentioned above.

Blood Rainbow has an unfortunate habit of wandering aimlessly through the halls, sometimes silently, sometimes reciting her poetry.  If she's doing the later, students are advised to keep their distance.  Someday we hope to impress upon her to keep her abilities under control, but for the time being, we don't need to overwhelm the Tower Counselor anymore than he already is.

Deathlord Frank (Part 2)

"No!  For the last time, horsepower doesn't actually mean horses, you dense child!"

"Hey, that hurts."

"I don't care!  Just answer the Torp-damned riddle and get the hell out of my cave!"

"So...how many horses do these train things have?"

Deathlord Frank let out a strangled scream, reaching his hands out as though to strangle Turbo Thunder before letting them drop to his side.  "HORSEPOWER!  DOESN'T!  MEAN!  HORSES!"

"So how much longer do you think this is going to go on?"  Wolf Knight asked Burning Mermaid.

"Too long."  Burning Mermaid replied.  She wandered over to Deathlord Frank's desk and started shuffling through it.  Deathlord Frank was much too distracted by Turbo's argument to notice.

"So more horses means more speed, right?  That doesn't seem right.  That seems like you'd get the same speed, just more, you know, horses."

"WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?!"  Deathlord Frank shrieked.  "IT'S JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR ENGINE POWER."

"What's an engine?"

Burning Mermaid gently pushed Turbo Thunder to the side.

"Please tell me you're less of an idiot than your friend."  Deathlord Frank said, holding his hands to his temples.

"Mhmm."  Burning Mermaid replied, with a nod.

"Great, perfect, let's get this over with."  Deathlord Frank took a deep breath and regained his composure.  "Okay, so...if a train leaves the Kingdom of Happyshine-"

Burning Mermaid abruptly lunged forward and slammed a letter opener into Deathlord Frank's face.  Deathlord Frank shrieked and his body deformed and dissolved into his robe and onto the ground in a puddle of Deathlord goo.  She then walked over to the robe and rifled through it, pulling out a small vial of blood.  "Look, I solved the riddle."  She said, showing the vial to Wolf Knight and Turbo Thunder, who had moved as far from her as possible.

"That's....g-great."  Wolf Knight said.  "G-good job."

Deathlord Frank (Part 1)

"Mwehehe!  You and your friends have proven your strength and your skill by reaching this place-"

"I mean...not really.  It's a pretty easy walk."  Wolf Knight interjected.

"Yeah, I think the Dark Undercold's infrastructure is actually better than Happyshine's, really."  Burning Mermaid chimed in.

"...But now we will test your mind!"  Deathlord Frank continued, ignoring them.

"Do you think he didn't hear us?"  Turbo Thunder asked.

"I'm pretty sure he's rehearsed this so much that he doesn't know how to improvise."  Wolf Knight replied, with a shrug.

"Silence!  I will now begin my riddle!"  Deathlord Frank shrieked.  "If a train leaves the Kingdom of Happyshine going 100 miles per hour towards this cavern, and another train leaves this cavern to Happyshine at 50 miles per hour, where will they crash?"  He finished his riddle and looked at them smugly as Wolf Knight and his companions exchanged glances.  "Ah-ha!  I have stumped you!"

"...What's a train?"  Turbo Thunder asked.

"What?"

"A train.  What is it?"

"What do you mean, what's a train?"

"I figured the question was pretty self-explanatory."

"It's like...a big metal transportation device."

"How does it move?"

"It's powered by fuel."

"What fuel?"

"You know, like coal."

"Okay.  How does it decide where to go?"

"It doesn't decide anything, it's a vehicle."

"Like a horse?"

"Um...sort of?"

"But a horse can decide where to go if it doesn't have a rider."

"It's not alive!"

"So it's like a cart?  Is it pulled by horses?"

"No!  It's propelled by fuel and a driver who directs it down rails!"

"What are rails?"

Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid stared at the two of them as they went back and forth.

"Is this what it's like to be in a class with me?"  Wolf Knight asked.

"Pretty much."  Burning Mermaid replied.

"Geez...no wonder the council hates me."  He muttered.

Crossing The Border

“Turbo, what the hell are you doing?”  Wolf Knight asked, as Turbo Thunder dove and rolled back and forth on the path in front of them.

“I’m practicing my Wizardball moves!”  He replied, without stopping his diving.

“...No one knows how to play Wizardball, Turbo.  It's not actually a game."

“See that?  That's why you didn't make the team.  I need to be ready if they ever figure it out.”

"I didn't make the team because I didn't try out for the team.  Because the team doesn't do anything."

"If that's the case, how do you explain all the trophies we have?"

"The Council bought them from the Wizardball Trophy store in Happyshine, Turbo.  And all the wins are defaults anyway."

The two of them stopped their argument as they approached a wooden structure that crossed the road and ran off in either direction as far as they could see.

"Is that a fence?"  Burning Mermaid asked.

"It seems that way."  Wolf Knight replied.  The poorly constructed fence rose to about his chest.  "There's a note attached to it."

"Let's see."  Turbo chirped, snatching the note from the fence.  "Dear Super Wizard Council.  Here's the bill for the wall separating our land from yours.  Please pay the below amount.  Love, the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold."  He let out a whistle.  "That's a lot of zeros."

"It certainly is, and a pretty crappy wall at that.  I'd heard rumors that the Deathlords were building a wall, but I guess I imagined something-"  Wolf Knight stopped as Burning Mermaid threw a ball of flame at the wooden fence, which immediately caught fire and spread along the entire length of the fence out of sight. "...um....less flammable."  He finished, as the fire went out, having reduced the fence to ash.

"You're...really good with fire."  Turbo said.

"I'm not that good."  Burning Mermaid replied.  "It's almost like they went out of their way to construct a fence out of extra flammable wood."

"You know, for the longest time, I had it in my mind that the Deathlords were dangerous and clever, but I'm starting to doubt that."  Wolf Knight said.

"Don't let your guard down yet, we're only just crossing into the Dark Undercold now.  Who knows what deadly traps and monsters are waiting for us?"  Turbo replied.  "We're treading on unknown territory now.  Maybe we'll even be able to answer one of the most pressing questions of our time, like why the Deathlords have never shown up for one of the Wizardball games."

"Yeah, that's one of the most pressing questions of our time.  You got it, buddy."  Wolf Knight said, putting a hand to his face.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 11)

Hello readers!  After what feels like an eternity, I'm thrilled to finally be able to continue Q&A with Laser Gaiden!

Things have been pretty hectic at the tower here.  The damage from the Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny incident was a bit more extensive than we thought, so we had to complete some much-needed renovations.

That said, let's finally resume one of my favorite parts of this blog!

My Dearest Instructor, Lazer Gaiden,
When shall the Council be taking action regarding the weirdo with the barren tree branches growing out of his head who's been wandering the halls of the tower?  No one can understand the eldritch language which flows from his mouth, and he has blocked the doorway to the ladies restroom when the hateful branches caused him to become stuck.  Please promise unto me that you shall do something about this roustabout, lest the walls of the Tower become my canvas and he, my paint.

-Blood Rainbow

Hello Blood Rainbow!

From what I understand, the Council is in the process of tracking down this mystery man.  Nobody's sure where he came from, he just showed up one day.  He shouldn't be in the ladies restroom, however.  The last thing we need is another problem like Lesser Evil's "lack of direction."

Also, please do not murder anyone in the Tower without a written permission slip from one of your instructors and at least one member of the Council.  You know what the Tower's policy is regarding that.

Sir, I'm still hearing things about my sister being kidnapped on your blog here!  Please tell me what's going on!

-Turbo Thunder

Hello Turbo Thunder!  Your sister has just missed a few days* of classes, she probably just got lost in the tower.  Nothing to worry about!  Please contact the Council about when your visit with your family will be ending, the Wizardball team misses their captain!

*Or weeks.  Or months.  Time, right?  Who's counting it?!

Could we get some better food in here? Everything seems to be a bit…off lately. Also, the snuggle-puppies are requesting live meat (stupid bunnies keep taunting them). Did I hear something about the Spooker Wizards collecting bones? Do you think they could share with my babies?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova,

So I'll be completely honest with you, we've really just been feeding you stuff from a box one of the kitchen duty groups recovered from their duty.  It was labeled "Food?"* so it's probably okay, box labels don't lie.  Usually.

As for the bones, we're trying to discourage the Spooker Wizards from decorating with actual bones, and as you know, any "student debris" from the various accidents around the Tower that can't be reattached has to go to the good folks at Crimson Bovine.
*No matter how much we take from it, it never seems to get any less full.  What a convenient and probably completely safe find!

That should be enough for this week!  Have a good weekend, readers!

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 4)

Hello readers!

I, Lighting Tornado, have returned to you once more to continue our ongoing bestiary series!  It's good to be back, so let's get right into it!

Lil Reapers

Danger Level:  High

Where to find them:  These guys can show up pretty much anywhere.  They’re not very common, fortunately, and they’re usually nocturnal.  They tend to show up in places linked to despair, like graveyards and call centers.

Description:  These adorable, deadly, and highly marketable harbingers of death are some of the nastiest things you can run into.  Don’t let their diminutive statures and squeaky voices lull you into a false sense of security:  They can and will painfully extract the soul of anyone who gets too close, dooming the victim to a life of office work.

How to deal with them:  Avoid, if at all possible, and contact a professional Death Killer.

Hell Hounds

Danger Level:  Varies

Where to find them:  Varies.  Hell Hounds need to be summoned to the mortal plane, and rogue hound summoners blessedly rare.  The only known example is Rodeo Nova, and where she learned to do this is the subject of an ongoing criminal investigation.

Description:  These infernal puppers are as dangerous as they are cute, and as varied as standard run of the mill dogs.  Unlike standard dogs, however, smaller size tends to denote higher levels of danger.  Some Hell Hounds only want lovies and walkies.  Others want to use you and/or your soul as a chew toy.

How to deal with them:  In spite of the infernal pits from which these nefarious pooches are still dogs and just as distracted by a thrown ball or stick.  Don’t make the rookie mistake of offering them treats you don’t actually possess, however.  There’s no quicker way to enrage a Hell Hound than the promise of false treats.

Heck Hounds

Danger Level:  Low

Where to find them:  See above

Description:  Heck Hounds have a lot in common with Hell Hounds.  They come from the same place, they're summoned in (mostly) the same ways, and they come in all shapes and sizes.  They are, however, far less dangerous than Hell Hounds.  Legends have it that the concept for Heck Hounds came from an infernal board room meeting, where it was decided that they needed to make Hell Hounds more appealing to the hip young demon summoner demographic.  In reality, they're more often mistakingly summoned by someone trying to make a Hell Hound.  Turns out if most people want a dog, they'll just get a normal dog.

How to deal with them:  Heck Hounds don't really present much of a threat.  Some demon summoners who don't like the risk/danger/soul upkeep of Hell Hounds even like to keep them as pets.  It's somewhat difficult to tell the difference between the two, so they can serve as danger deterrents to someone not learned enough to tell them apart.