Meet the Staff (Part 2)

I hope everybody had a great weekend!

Today we'll be discussing part 2 in our highlight of the Super Wizard Tower Staff.

"Doctor" CoolRad:  As our resident physician, "Doctor" CoolRad maintains the tower infirmary.  You might recognize him as the author of several books:

• Pharmaceutical uses of Crimson Bovine Power Beverage (Sponsored by Crimson Bovine Power Beverage)
• High Fives:  Simple Gesture or Healing Miracle?
• Crimson Bovine Power Beverage:  Absolutely non-toxic (Sponsored by Crimson Bovine Power Beverage)

"Doctor" CoolRad has incredibly effective bedside manner, and you'll love his catch phrase:  "I'm legally required to inform you that I'm not actually a doctor."

Elder Sally Sue:  After inadvertently slaughtering a herd of cattle with her untapped potential*, Elder Sally Sue established the deadly arts of Super wizard Irate Expressions.  There's no one better to teach the class, and the rate at which she accidentally causes lasting damage to students falls within acceptable handbook guidelines.  Sign up for one of her classes and find out how with a bit of determination and focused hate, looks can kill, or at least maim!
*The reason(s) why she hates cattle** are shrouded in mystery, but it's recommended that beef is kept away from Elder Sally Sue.
**Whether this hate applies to other types of food is unknown.  Do not bring food into Elder Sally Sue's classes to avoid further fatalities.


Elder [NAME DELETED]:  The former teacher of Abstract Arts, Elder [NAME DELETED] went too far, too abstract, and blasted himself backwards and forwards through time and space.  As a result of this, her name tends to be a little difficult to pronounce/spell.  Because of his mishap, the Council of Elders decided to make Abstract Art one of the forbidden weapons, along with Interpretive Dance (just to be safe.).  Her memory (or as much of it that remains intact) will always be honored by the Super Wizard Tower.

Despite all this, Elder [NAME DELETED] still pops in to say hi every once in a while.  Unfortunately he usually tries to speak in melting clocks.

The Library Viking:  The Super Wizard Tower's very own librarian.  Nobody actually knows the name of The Library Viking, so everyone just calls him that.  As previously mentioned, the library currently has no books, so The Library Viking is the one who curates the music and cartoons that play there at all hours.  Some say that he does not eat, drink, or sleep.  Others say that he's as old as the tower himself.  Still others say that he's bound to the tower library due to a blood debt that he owes Elder Fred*.  Some of these things may even be true!  The Library Viking, however, has never confirmed or denied these stories.  Every attempt to question The Library Viking about anything results in a wicked metal scream over an intense guitar solo.  Nobody's really sure where the guitar sounds come from.
*Elder Fred has not commented on this.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 1)

So I've received some questions from students regarding this blog.  With it being Friday, I figured that we'd take a bit of a break and cover some of these concerns as best I can, while crediting the student asking the question.

Are Elder Jack's classes canceled while he's recovering from his kitchen-related injuries?
-Wolf Knight

Elder Jack's contract requires that he make himself available to teach his classes even in the face of injury, dismemberment, or exposure to supernatural extra-dimensional horror.  So no, his classes will not be canceled.  They may just be more colorful temporarily.  Probably temporarily.

How long has Elder Fred been with the school? Is it true he was once a part of the... Ehm, west wing? (Realizing of course there has never once and never will be a west wing, please don't throw me in detention.)
-Space Slayer

I'm not surprised to see a question regarding Elder Fred so quickly, and I've heard this question asked fairly frequently.  While Elder Fred has never actually revealed his true age, rumors and historical texts suggest that he may have been one of the founders of the Super Wizard order.  He truly is the cornerstone of the Super Wizard Tower.

As for the west wing, I assume that this inquiry is regarding the locked door with the sign on it that says "WEST WING:  KEEP OUT!"  As I've received a number of questions regarding this as well, let me just clear this up, the West Wing is the part of the tower where we store the supplies of Crimson Bovine Power Beverage, and nothing more.  Any rumors of a deeper, darker secret are purely conjecture, and certainly nothing to do with Elder Fred.

For your own safety, please stay out of the West Wing.

My question is to Elder Bob:  After I punched it, the thing I punched began to get savagely angry with me. Should I punch it again in hopes of calming the now angry Grizzly Bear. (I forgot to mention that I punched Elder Bob's Grizzly Weapons).
-Lesser Evil

This is a question that you'll need to address to Elder Bob after class.

As an aside, congratulations in your recent enrollment into Rabies Training 101!

What is the purpose of the bottomless pit in the ladies bathroom?

-Rodeo Nova

While I haven't seen this myself for obvious reasons, from what I understand the hole was the result of a student misusing a shovel (Not the kind for digging).  There are plans to have that repaired but I'm not sure what the timetable is on that as we lack any digging implements in the tower and all the Happyshine contractors have had us blacklisted ever since the Kitchen renovations.

After enrolling in Rabies 101, is it normal to find myself frequently foaming at the mouth?
Follow-up question:  Is it also normal to be foaming from other places?
Follow-up-follow-up question:  Time is a factor.
-Raging Bull-Mouse

Looks like you've got a series of questions here, Raging Bull-Mouse.  Please allow me to answer them one by one.

1. Yes!  Foaming at the mouth is a side-effect that all users of rabies must endure.
2. No!  This is not normal and you should probably visit Doctor CoolRad at the infirmary.  It sounds like something that can probably be swiftly resolved with a high five (Assuming you're not foaming from the hand.)
3. This is not, actually, a question.  Perhaps next semester, you could enroll in Elder Steve's class "Black Magic and Sentence Structures." 

That's all for this week!  Thank you for your questions!  Enjoy your weekend, everyone! 

Tools of the Trade (Part 1)

The Super Wizards have a number of versatile tools that they use every day to complete their various duties and quests.  These tools include several types of weapons completely unique to our trade, as well as several non-combat related tools.  In part one of our series of Tools of the Trade, we'll start going over some of the more important ones.

Miscellaneous tools

"Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage:  While I'm sure Crimson Bovine probably needs no introduction, it's an incredibly important part of Super Wizard life and culture.  Its healing properties are well-researched, and it keeps you going long after you should probably be sleeping.  Because of these facts, the Super Wizards make use of Crimson Bovine for everything from medicinal purposes, to giving students that extra push they need for study, to the sacred Super Wizard naming ceremony.
Made in a facility that processes milk, peanuts, and animal reproductive fluids.  Mostly non-toxic.

Super Wizard Endless Fanny Pack:  Every Super Wizard has an Endless Fanny Pack as part of their uniforms.  These packs go conveniently around your waist and can carry so many things, you'll think that they're magic*!
*Not actually magic

Pocket Elder Bob:  An invention created by our very own Elder Bob, Pocket Elder Bobs are small figurines of the Elder himself.  These clever devices are activated by whispering something condescending to it and then throwing it.  Once they hit a surface, they'll burst into incredibly hot flames.  Elder Bob explains that this is rage, but it's probably actually the incredibly volatile chemicals that the dolls are filled with.


Weapons

 Electric Guitar (and amps):  The Electric Guitar is the backbone of Super Wizard ranged combat.  While a common misconception is that they are powered by electricity, the truth is that Electric Guitars actually fire lightning at targets.  Each amp contains enough ammo for about one wicked guitar riff.

Rabies:  Perhaps the most powerful and dangerous of the Super Wizard armory, rabies-users are frenzied chaos on the battlefield.  Some Super Wizards are foaming at the mouth to receive training in the ancient art of Rabies!
Note:  Rabies Training is performed only in specific circumstances, as those who dedicate themselves to this discipline have dramatically shortened lifespans.  While the exact reasons for this are unknown, the prevailing theory is that the art and those who learn it were placed under an evil curse (Probably originating from one or all of the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold.).”
Note 2:  The Deathlords have denied involvement in this, but they’re probably lying.

Shovel (Not the kind for digging):  For the other uses.

Get Well Soon, Elder Jack!

I believe I speak for the entire staff when I say "Get well soon, Elder Jack!  Your injuries will probably heal with time and therapy!"

Good Luck, Elder Jack!

I just received word that Elder Jack and a small unit of volunteers have been sent for kitchen duty.  As a show of the great faith the rest of the Elders have in his success, they have decided to hold off on starting to locate a replacement for Elder Jack until after learning about his fate this time.  I think I speak for the entire staff when I say "Good Luck, Elder Jack!"

Tower Facilities (Part 1)

While nobody is arguing that staff is vital, no foundation of education would be complete without a full range of facilities.  In part one of our tour of the Super Wizard Tower facilities, we'll look at some of the areas of the tower that students and staff enjoy on a daily basis.

The Tower Library:  More than anything else, the Super Wizard Tower is a place of learning.  Our halls echo with the various sounds and smells of learning every day.  Of course, no foundation of education is complete without a library.  However, as most of our budget goes towards power beverages and “stuff that explodes”, we don’t actually have any books.  Unwilling to let that stop us, the Library plays the finest action cartoons and hard rock music at all hours.

The Tower Armory:  The massive room in which all the martial might of the Super Wizards is stored.  Students are typically forbidden to enter the armory, although exceptions are made for those on duty to feed the bears.  We'll be covering the weapons and tools that Super Wizards wield in a future entry.
NOTE:  Mishandling of bear feeding duties can occasionally result in enrollment in Rabies Training 101.

Student Living Quarters:  Students who wish to live in the tower are provided with comprehensive living quarters that suit their every (extremely basic) need.  Every student is provided with a bed and a dresser with two spacious drawers (dresser to be shared with room mate).  Additional furniture is forbidden as this would violate the ancient pacts with the local fae, and we still haven't reclaimed the Kitchen from the last time that happened.  Students are gently coaxed to sleep after lights out with soothing heavy metal music piped through the living quarters.

The Infirmary:  While we take all the safety precautions necessary in the training of our students, accidents do happen.  For situations such as this, we have a fully-staffed infirmary ready at a moment's notice to administer all the power beverages and high-fives required to get you back on your feet.  Last year, the infirmary boasted it's lowest* mortality rate yet!

*60%

The Tower Kitchen:  The Council of Elders have requested that I do not speak further about the tower kitchen until the latest kitchen-related incident has been resolved.

Clarification

The Council of Elders have asked me to reassure anyone that may be reading this that they are reasonably certain nothing horrifying or unholy lies within the tower kitchen.

Meet the Staff (Part 1)

The Super Wizard Tower boasts a robust staff that come from many diverse backgrounds. Below you'll find the first in our series of Who's Who in the Super Wizard Tower.

Lazer Gaiden:  Full-fledged Super Wizard, guidance counselor to up and coming Super Wizards, and he who maintains this blog. I look forward to opening the doors to our majestic halls to you as we explore the Super Wizard way.

Elder Fred: Some would argue that a rock with a face drawn on it should not be eligible to teach anyone, let alone several classes every year.  These people are not familiar with the profound wisdom and quiet power that is Elder Fred. Perhaps the most famous and beloved of the Elders, his Battle Contemplation class is popular enough that there is often a waiting list for registration.

Elder Bob:  The gruffest and burliest of the elders.  Famous for his use of weaponized grizzly bears which turned the tide in the War of Bastard Bluff  Currently serving the role of adjunct professor of philosophy after Elder John’s unfortunate and completely unforeseen incident at the Mountains of You Will Absolutely Die if you Come Here.  Check out Elder Bob’s unique take on philosophy in his class "I can punch it, but should I?"

Elder Jack: Elder Jack is the long-suffering professor of several remedial classes (Remedial headlocking, high-fivery 101, etc). No one wants to land in one of Elder Jack's classes, but he's the best at making sure they don't have to do it more than once!
DID YOU KNOW: Elder Jack leads a small combat task force in the evening to patrol the tower halls for things that have escaped from the tower kitchens.

The Royal Beard: While not officially a member of the staff, The Royal Beard is a representative from the Kingdom of Happyshine and handles any and all matters requiring the attention of The Royal Beard.

Elder George: Elder George is an asshole the best elder.

Edited by Elder George on 1XXX at 6:03 PM

Welcome to the Tower

It happens to everyone at some point in their lives.  They look longingly at a guitar and think "I want to fire lighting from that."  They look at a dragon angel and think "I want to headlock that thing" moments before it obliterates them and everything in a ten mile radius.  They look dreamily to the stars and think "What if I could put one of those things on a stick and hit a monster with it?"

These people, these dreamers, these Super Wizards...we call them brothers and sisters, and we welcome them into the halls of our tower.  Except for the dragon angel guy, he's probably dead.

Located in the beautiful city of Happyshine and awesome since the year 1XXX, the Super Wizard Tower has trained generation after generation of Super Wizards.  We have an extensive curriculum and offer many classes, giving student Super Wizard hopefuls all the assistance and freedom they need in their pursuit of lower, medium, and higher education (as well as several educations to the left and one to the right).  Below you'll find just a small sampling of our arcane teachings and the awe-inspiring, god-like powers we'll train you to use.

• Archeomancy - The power to unearth relics, decipher ancient text and symbols.  In addition to this, it allows the Super Wizard to harness the power of the element of path to detect tracks and most traps.  If the Super Wizard is wielding a compass, the power also grants the ability to always know which direction is north.
• Violenceomancy - Martial training in a variety of deadly weapons.  Super wizards are masters of many combat arts, everything ranging from Rabies to Shovels (not the kind for digging) and a great deal in between. 
• Ignorance - No warrior is complete without a good defense, and Super Wizards are certainly no exception!  Here at the tower, you'll learn how to protect yourself from dangerous psychic attacks and intelligent debate.
• Common Sense - (Class discontinued)

Some would argue that putting 'mancy' after words doesn't necessarily make it magical, but here at the Super Wizard Tower, we'll show you how wrong that is!