Can you hear the thundering of unsteady foot steps? The tromp tromp tromp of Trundles trundling along? The Skitter-squeaking footfall of his dread army of innumerable cuddle knights? Lock your doors and shutter your windows, for today is their day. Today is the March of Trundles the Love Imp.
Today is February 14th, as you all well know, the day when Trundles the Love Imp and his cuddle knights rampage across the land. They're also around on other days of the year, but no one really knows where they're holed up. Cuddle knights usually start popping up around the beginning of the month to start bolstering Trundles' army.
There's a lot we don't know about Trundles and his Cuddle Knights. Why do they rampage? Why is the death(?) toll so high? Where do they go after the rampage? All who have sought the answer to this question are either dead or wear the horrifyingly cuddly armor of the Cuddle Knights. Here's an overview of this infamous day!
Origins: Trundles the Love Imp has been around for as long as our recorded history goes back. His exact origins are shrouded in mystery, and there are theories regarding it. One of the popular theories is that his creation was a side-effect of the Super Wizard Order weaponizing Love*. Some think that he was montaged into existence with The Eighties**.
*The Excessive Force weapon that is Love will be discussed in a future entry.
**This theory doesn't hold a lot of weight as The Eighties were a recent discovery, although it has been argued that 'The Eighties are really weird.'
Activities: There are a number of activities to enjoy during this festive...holiday sounds wrong. Event? Yeah, that works. The most popular activity is, of course, cowering under your bed. All beds in the student dorm are equipped with a designated Trundles Cowering Space. Full Super Wizards have their Cowering Closets, and the Council has the luxurious Cowering Lounge complete with mini-bar. At least, that's what I'm told.
I suppose that's really only one activity then. So one activity to enjoy. I think it goes without saying that classes are canceled as well. We've learned the lesson of trying to hold classes on 2/14 after the incident with the late Elder Dave.
Discount Chocolate Day: The day immediately following 2/14, of course, is Discount Chocolate Day, the official holiday where all stores sharply discount their supplies of chocolate and various other candies. This is done to celebrate having survived Trundles the Love Imp one more year, and in memory of those who fell to the girth of his affection. It's common to see the confections bearing messages like 'You survived! (Sorry if you didn't)' and 'Life has never tasted sweeter!'
Well readers, I should get back to my traditional cowering. Here's hoping to see all of you tomorrow, when we all simultaneously celebrate our survival and drown our sorrows. Hopefully more of the former than the later this year, but who can say?
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Friday, February 10, 2017
Q&A With Lighting Tornado?
Hello readers! Lighting Tornado here.
It's finally time. I can't possibly say how long I've been waiting for this. The Council has ruled that Lazer Gaiden probably isn't coming back, so it's finally...finally time...for Q&A With Lighting Tornado!
Hold on, someone's knocking at the door.
****
Hello readers! It's been some time, hasn't it? I apologize for my absence, I...er...managed to get myself locked in the Tower's nightmare closet. I'm not really sure why we have that, but thankfully Throat-Punch Ballet helped me escape while montaging himself out of the basement. The good news is that we're free! The bad news is that we're still no closer to figuring out where the basement actually is.
Anyway, Lighting Tornado has been relegate to the corner with the spray bottle again, as per the standard procedure when dealing with interns. So with that out of the way, I shall resume Q&A. Oh how I've missed this! Let's see what questions you have that I may answer, my friends!
What's this I hear about rabbit transmogrification classes? Why aren't you offering dog transmogrification? After all, why would you want a table, or a chair, or an awful soul-sucking book when you could have a giant cuddly puppy with sharp teeth?
-Rodeo Nova
Hello again, readers. This is Lighting Tornado again. I'm not sure exactly what caused this to happen, but Lazer Gaiden suddenly sat bolt upright at his desk and slammed his fist through the glass covering of an emergency button on the wall that I never seemed to have noticed and then leaped out the window. There's a label of some sort by the button, hold on...'In case of Rodeo Nova incident, break glass.' Ah.
Looks like he managed to survive the fall unscathed. Not sure how he did that, we're pretty high up. I guess that's why he's the Super Wizard and I'm the intern. It looks like he's trying to set the tower on fire now? That's not going to work, the Tower's made of stone.
The Council just left the Tower now, probably drawn out by this piercing alarm, and they're trying to get Lazer Gaiden to calm down I think. Elder Bob just slapped him, and it looks like that worked. I can't quite hear them from up here, but I think Lazer Gaiden is explaining the situation to them now? Ah, yeah, that's probably it, because now the Council is trying to help him set the Tower on fire. Still made of stone, guys.
I should probably go. At the rate they're going, they might end up succeeding. Until next time, readers.
It's finally time. I can't possibly say how long I've been waiting for this. The Council has ruled that Lazer Gaiden probably isn't coming back, so it's finally...finally time...for Q&A With Lighting Tornado!
Hold on, someone's knocking at the door.
****
Hello readers! It's been some time, hasn't it? I apologize for my absence, I...er...managed to get myself locked in the Tower's nightmare closet. I'm not really sure why we have that, but thankfully Throat-Punch Ballet helped me escape while montaging himself out of the basement. The good news is that we're free! The bad news is that we're still no closer to figuring out where the basement actually is.
Anyway, Lighting Tornado has been relegate to the corner with the spray bottle again, as per the standard procedure when dealing with interns. So with that out of the way, I shall resume Q&A. Oh how I've missed this! Let's see what questions you have that I may answer, my friends!
What's this I hear about rabbit transmogrification classes? Why aren't you offering dog transmogrification? After all, why would you want a table, or a chair, or an awful soul-sucking book when you could have a giant cuddly puppy with sharp teeth?
-Rodeo Nova
Hello again, readers. This is Lighting Tornado again. I'm not sure exactly what caused this to happen, but Lazer Gaiden suddenly sat bolt upright at his desk and slammed his fist through the glass covering of an emergency button on the wall that I never seemed to have noticed and then leaped out the window. There's a label of some sort by the button, hold on...'In case of Rodeo Nova incident, break glass.' Ah.
Looks like he managed to survive the fall unscathed. Not sure how he did that, we're pretty high up. I guess that's why he's the Super Wizard and I'm the intern. It looks like he's trying to set the tower on fire now? That's not going to work, the Tower's made of stone.
The Council just left the Tower now, probably drawn out by this piercing alarm, and they're trying to get Lazer Gaiden to calm down I think. Elder Bob just slapped him, and it looks like that worked. I can't quite hear them from up here, but I think Lazer Gaiden is explaining the situation to them now? Ah, yeah, that's probably it, because now the Council is trying to help him set the Tower on fire. Still made of stone, guys.
I should probably go. At the rate they're going, they might end up succeeding. Until next time, readers.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 3)
Hello readers! Lighting Tornado here again for another addition to the Super Wizard Bestiary!
Cuddle Knights
Danger level: Very high
Where to find them: Anywhere, especially at this time of year
Description: Cuddle Knights are the followers of Trundles the Love Imp, and they're especially prevalent around this time of year as they prepare for the March of Trundles the Love Imp on the 14th. We'll talk more about that next week, I'm sure. Basically, Cuddle Knights are a sort of unknown creature that can create more of themselves through unknown means. They're sort of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid. You don't want to mess with these guys.
How to deal with them: Get as far away from them as possible and notify the authorities. Remember that when you see someone offering free hugs, nothing in life comes for free.
Turbo Mosquitoes
Danger level: Pretty high
Where to find them: The Mire of Turbo Death
Description: The stories aren't really clear on whether the Mire of Turbo Death was named because of the Turbo Mosquitoes or the other way around. Probably the other way around, since Turbo Mosquitoes are by far not the only dangerous thing that lives in that Mire. These guys feed on blood like regular Mosquitoes, but they do it really, really fast. They're kind of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid.
How to deal with them: Don't go to the Mire of Turbo Death
Expired Crimson Bovine
Danger level: EXREME
Where to find them: Anywhere that carries Crimson Bovine past the legal disposal date.
Description: Crimson Bovine Inc. explicitly states in fine print on each bottle of Crimson Bovine that the product is not intended to be kept past its expiration date. This is usually not an issue, as the stock is usually consumed before expiration occurs. If it DOES expire, however the [REDACTED BY CRIMSON BOVINE INC.]
How to deal with them: Crimson Bovine that's about to expire is traditionally fired into space with Crimson Bovine Disposal Cannons.
Cuddle Knights
Danger level: Very high
Where to find them: Anywhere, especially at this time of year
Description: Cuddle Knights are the followers of Trundles the Love Imp, and they're especially prevalent around this time of year as they prepare for the March of Trundles the Love Imp on the 14th. We'll talk more about that next week, I'm sure. Basically, Cuddle Knights are a sort of unknown creature that can create more of themselves through unknown means. They're sort of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid. You don't want to mess with these guys.
How to deal with them: Get as far away from them as possible and notify the authorities. Remember that when you see someone offering free hugs, nothing in life comes for free.
Turbo Mosquitoes
Danger level: Pretty high
Where to find them: The Mire of Turbo Death
Description: The stories aren't really clear on whether the Mire of Turbo Death was named because of the Turbo Mosquitoes or the other way around. Probably the other way around, since Turbo Mosquitoes are by far not the only dangerous thing that lives in that Mire. These guys feed on blood like regular Mosquitoes, but they do it really, really fast. They're kind of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid.
How to deal with them: Don't go to the Mire of Turbo Death
Expired Crimson Bovine
Danger level: EXREME
Where to find them: Anywhere that carries Crimson Bovine past the legal disposal date.
Description: Crimson Bovine Inc. explicitly states in fine print on each bottle of Crimson Bovine that the product is not intended to be kept past its expiration date. This is usually not an issue, as the stock is usually consumed before expiration occurs. If it DOES expire, however the [REDACTED BY CRIMSON BOVINE INC.]
How to deal with them: Crimson Bovine that's about to expire is traditionally fired into space with Crimson Bovine Disposal Cannons.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 2)
Hello everyone, Intern Super Wizard Lighting Tornado here again! Today I'll be giving you part 2 of the Super Wizard Bestiary that Lazer Gaiden started.
Demons
Danger level: Possibly apocalyptic
Where to find them: In your nightmares, occasionally as classmates at the Tower.
Description: Legends found in dusty old texts spared from Rodeo Nova's wrath state that a demon walking the land will cause the end of the world. Honestly though, they can get in line. Seems like the world's in danger of being ended by basically everything nowadays. If it's not demons, it's the nonsense with the West Wing or the more boring Super Wizards proclaiming that using The Eighties will kill us all.
How to deal with them: Ours likes cute things, so bribery usually works. Not sure about others though.
Eighties Spawn
Danger level: Varies
Where to find them: In the aftermath of montages, homeless in the slums of Happyshine, possibly in your classroom
Description: A common misconception of Eighties Spawn after Lazer Gaiden brought them up is that Eighties Spawn are all humans. This is not actually the case, as there have been reports of both human and animal and...neither. Part of the risk involved in the montage is that you don't know what will happen by the end. You could end up with a flock of seagulls haircut, or surrounded by burly lumberjacks dressed in business casual riding ponies made of sparkles.
How to deal with them: Honestly I don't have a good answer for this. No one does, really. No one's really sure exactly where Eighties Spawn come from, not even the Eighties Spawn themselves. Some theories say that they're actually created BY the montage.
Invertmites
Danger level: Depends on whether or not you've got a fear of tasteful furniture. Yes, that's a thing.
Where to find them: If a new village turns up on the map, odds are good you'll find them here.
Description: Invertmites are a pest of sorts that rapidly construct lovely wooden furniture through unknown means. Their magical status is a matter of some debate, although they're notoriously difficult to actually locate. If you don't think sudden furniture sounds that bad, you've clearly not experienced the nightmare of waking up to find a brand new armoire with beautiful floral carvings in your bedroom. In the middle of the night. With your foot.
How to deal with them: Usually, you don't. You're way, way more likely to find their leavings than the critters themselves. And they often turn up in inconvenient places. I heard a story of someone who found a huge, brand new dresser with intricate carvings depicting ancient battles in their closet. Except it was too big to open the drawers, or (probably more importantly) even remove from the closet. Some people think they're not actually bugs, but gnomes. This is silly, of course, because gnomes don't exist.
Crimson Bovine Runoff
Danger level: I'm legally required to say safe.
Where to find them: Near Crimson Bovine factories, which non-employees aren't supposed to be around anyway.
Description: Crimson Bovine has the best, most (safe) highly toxic runoff of any company ever. In a recent push to be more environmentally friendly, they've taken to piping (most of) their runoff into alternate planes of reality. This is probably fine.
How to deal with them: Unless you're employed by Crimson Bovine, your odds of this ever being an issue are low. I'm told Crimson Bovine Inc. holds the right to press charges in the event of maiming, death, possession by otherworldly forces, or....hm...this is a really long list. Basically don't trespass on Crimson Bovine property or they'll probably sue you or what's left of you. That assuming, of course, that Crimson Bovine wasn't perfectly safe. Which I'm legally required to say is not the case.
Demons
Danger level: Possibly apocalyptic
Where to find them: In your nightmares, occasionally as classmates at the Tower.
Description: Legends found in dusty old texts spared from Rodeo Nova's wrath state that a demon walking the land will cause the end of the world. Honestly though, they can get in line. Seems like the world's in danger of being ended by basically everything nowadays. If it's not demons, it's the nonsense with the West Wing or the more boring Super Wizards proclaiming that using The Eighties will kill us all.
How to deal with them: Ours likes cute things, so bribery usually works. Not sure about others though.
Eighties Spawn
Danger level: Varies
Where to find them: In the aftermath of montages, homeless in the slums of Happyshine, possibly in your classroom
Description: A common misconception of Eighties Spawn after Lazer Gaiden brought them up is that Eighties Spawn are all humans. This is not actually the case, as there have been reports of both human and animal and...neither. Part of the risk involved in the montage is that you don't know what will happen by the end. You could end up with a flock of seagulls haircut, or surrounded by burly lumberjacks dressed in business casual riding ponies made of sparkles.
How to deal with them: Honestly I don't have a good answer for this. No one does, really. No one's really sure exactly where Eighties Spawn come from, not even the Eighties Spawn themselves. Some theories say that they're actually created BY the montage.
Invertmites
Danger level: Depends on whether or not you've got a fear of tasteful furniture. Yes, that's a thing.
Where to find them: If a new village turns up on the map, odds are good you'll find them here.
Description: Invertmites are a pest of sorts that rapidly construct lovely wooden furniture through unknown means. Their magical status is a matter of some debate, although they're notoriously difficult to actually locate. If you don't think sudden furniture sounds that bad, you've clearly not experienced the nightmare of waking up to find a brand new armoire with beautiful floral carvings in your bedroom. In the middle of the night. With your foot.
How to deal with them: Usually, you don't. You're way, way more likely to find their leavings than the critters themselves. And they often turn up in inconvenient places. I heard a story of someone who found a huge, brand new dresser with intricate carvings depicting ancient battles in their closet. Except it was too big to open the drawers, or (probably more importantly) even remove from the closet. Some people think they're not actually bugs, but gnomes. This is silly, of course, because gnomes don't exist.
Crimson Bovine Runoff
Danger level: I'm legally required to say safe.
Where to find them: Near Crimson Bovine factories, which non-employees aren't supposed to be around anyway.
Description: Crimson Bovine has the best, most (safe) highly toxic runoff of any company ever. In a recent push to be more environmentally friendly, they've taken to piping (most of) their runoff into alternate planes of reality. This is probably fine.
How to deal with them: Unless you're employed by Crimson Bovine, your odds of this ever being an issue are low. I'm told Crimson Bovine Inc. holds the right to press charges in the event of maiming, death, possession by otherworldly forces, or....hm...this is a really long list. Basically don't trespass on Crimson Bovine property or they'll probably sue you or what's left of you. That assuming, of course, that Crimson Bovine wasn't perfectly safe. Which I'm legally required to say is not the case.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
The Kingdom of Happyshine (Part 2)
Hello readers! Intern Super Wizard Tornado Lighting here! I'm filling in for Lazer Gaiden today, as he's still missing and quite possibly dead*!
*The Super Wizard in me, of course, wishes Lazer Gaiden a speedy and safe return. The opportunist in me, however, would be more than happy to finally receive a promotion.
The Council has requested that I step in for today to continue the series I started on the Kingdom of Happyshine. Unsupervised!
The Mountains of You Will Absolutely Die if you Come Here: I'll be honest with you, nobody really knows why this place is so dangerous, since it's pretty appropriately named*. My guess? Spiders.
*RIP Elder John. Your obnoxious stubbornness to ignore obvious warnings is an example to us all. We will not forget.
Dim Underchilly: Whether Dim Underchilly is part of Happyshine or the Dark Undercold is a matter of some dispute, as it rests more or less on the border between both. The Deathlords are assholes though, so I'm just gonna say it's ours. Officials from both kingdoms have supposedly never actually spoken in person. The stories go that they communicate through a series of passive-aggressive notes along the border. I haven't been there myself to see, but it seems about right.
The Crater of Inevitability: As the name suggests, it's a big crater. Huge, in fact. And nothing grows or lives there. Rumor has it that, in spite of the huge amount of space, even Crimson Bovine Inc. passed up building anything in the crater. Legends say that there used to be a town or city of some sort where the crater is now, but it was wiped out by something. It could have possibly been a dragon angel. There's not really any records of the city to check when it could have been destroyed, but when dragon angels attack, people tend to be more focused on running and screaming and wetting themselves than record taking.
The Fields of Cerulean Murder: Okay so, in spite of the name, this is actually a pretty nice picnic spot. The name likely comes from a mistranslation of the original name*. There's lots of flowers here at all times of year, and a pleasing lack of lethal wildlife. Except in the winter. Don't go there in the winter.
*The original name is probably closer to The Fields of Crimson Murder, obviously.
The Lagoon that Time Forgot: For the more adventurous types, the Lagoon that Time Forgot is actually a pretty nice vacation spot. There's nice beaches and clear blue skies, and a whole host of (presumably) residents locked in time with expressions of inexplicable terror on their faces. And no sharks!
The Boring Forest: This is an uninteresting forest with nothing at all unusual about it. Popular with non-Super Wizards for not being even slightly dangerous at any time of year except for the occasional bear. They're not even weaponized though! Normal people are weird.
*The Super Wizard in me, of course, wishes Lazer Gaiden a speedy and safe return. The opportunist in me, however, would be more than happy to finally receive a promotion.
The Council has requested that I step in for today to continue the series I started on the Kingdom of Happyshine. Unsupervised!
The Mountains of You Will Absolutely Die if you Come Here: I'll be honest with you, nobody really knows why this place is so dangerous, since it's pretty appropriately named*. My guess? Spiders.
*RIP Elder John. Your obnoxious stubbornness to ignore obvious warnings is an example to us all. We will not forget.
Dim Underchilly: Whether Dim Underchilly is part of Happyshine or the Dark Undercold is a matter of some dispute, as it rests more or less on the border between both. The Deathlords are assholes though, so I'm just gonna say it's ours. Officials from both kingdoms have supposedly never actually spoken in person. The stories go that they communicate through a series of passive-aggressive notes along the border. I haven't been there myself to see, but it seems about right.
The Crater of Inevitability: As the name suggests, it's a big crater. Huge, in fact. And nothing grows or lives there. Rumor has it that, in spite of the huge amount of space, even Crimson Bovine Inc. passed up building anything in the crater. Legends say that there used to be a town or city of some sort where the crater is now, but it was wiped out by something. It could have possibly been a dragon angel. There's not really any records of the city to check when it could have been destroyed, but when dragon angels attack, people tend to be more focused on running and screaming and wetting themselves than record taking.
The Fields of Cerulean Murder: Okay so, in spite of the name, this is actually a pretty nice picnic spot. The name likely comes from a mistranslation of the original name*. There's lots of flowers here at all times of year, and a pleasing lack of lethal wildlife. Except in the winter. Don't go there in the winter.
*The original name is probably closer to The Fields of Crimson Murder, obviously.
The Lagoon that Time Forgot: For the more adventurous types, the Lagoon that Time Forgot is actually a pretty nice vacation spot. There's nice beaches and clear blue skies, and a whole host of (presumably) residents locked in time with expressions of inexplicable terror on their faces. And no sharks!
The Boring Forest: This is an uninteresting forest with nothing at all unusual about it. Popular with non-Super Wizards for not being even slightly dangerous at any time of year except for the occasional bear. They're not even weaponized though! Normal people are weird.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Question Korner with Kiddy Killdeath
It's time for every child of the Dark Undercold's favorite show*, Question Korner with Kiddie Killdeath! I'm Kiddie Killdeath, your lovable state-sponsored cartoon propaganda mascot!
*By law
Mister Killdeath, I've heard that some Super Wizards did some bad things right outside the Dark Undercold. Are they going to come here next?
-Bloody Massacre, 6
No need to worry, Bloody Massacre! The Super Wizards can't actually get into the Dark Undercold! You see, we've built a wall around our borders, and it's big and tall and keeps out undesirables like Super Wizards! And the best part is that we're going to get the Super Wizards to pay for it someday! Yaaaaaaaay!!!
Hi Mister Killdeath! Why do we call where we live the Dark Undercold if it's not dark or cold?
-Deathy McDeathdeath, 7
That's a very good question, Deathy! The answer is actually very long and complicated, but the short version is that we call it the Dark Undercold because it sounds cool!
Do you really believe that the Dark Undercold can perpetually sustain itself while also maintaining so many isolationist policies? The population is still growing, and some places are already reporting food sho-
-Shiny Bloodwave, 3
Sorry to cut your question short, Shiny, but a little surveillance birdy tells me that you're not the one who wrote this question! Don't worry! The Underpatrol will be dropping by any time now and I'm sure that by the time they leave, you won't have any questions ever again! Won't that be nice?!
Are all the Super Wizards bad?
-Donnie Homicide
As a general rule, yes! There is one named Elder Fred, however, who gets a pass!
What should we do if we ever meet a Super Wizard, Mister Killdeath?
-Hurricane of Todd, 4
Kill them, rend the flesh from their bones, throw what's left into an anonymous ditch and let the birds feast on their remains!
That's all the time we have for today, kids! Tune in next week, when I'll be showing you 1984 ways to make paper dolls and snowflakes from the bodies of your enemies!!!
*By law
Mister Killdeath, I've heard that some Super Wizards did some bad things right outside the Dark Undercold. Are they going to come here next?
-Bloody Massacre, 6
No need to worry, Bloody Massacre! The Super Wizards can't actually get into the Dark Undercold! You see, we've built a wall around our borders, and it's big and tall and keeps out undesirables like Super Wizards! And the best part is that we're going to get the Super Wizards to pay for it someday! Yaaaaaaaay!!!
Hi Mister Killdeath! Why do we call where we live the Dark Undercold if it's not dark or cold?
-Deathy McDeathdeath, 7
That's a very good question, Deathy! The answer is actually very long and complicated, but the short version is that we call it the Dark Undercold because it sounds cool!
Do you really believe that the Dark Undercold can perpetually sustain itself while also maintaining so many isolationist policies? The population is still growing, and some places are already reporting food sho-
-Shiny Bloodwave, 3
Sorry to cut your question short, Shiny, but a little surveillance birdy tells me that you're not the one who wrote this question! Don't worry! The Underpatrol will be dropping by any time now and I'm sure that by the time they leave, you won't have any questions ever again! Won't that be nice?!
Are all the Super Wizards bad?
-Donnie Homicide
As a general rule, yes! There is one named Elder Fred, however, who gets a pass!
What should we do if we ever meet a Super Wizard, Mister Killdeath?
-Hurricane of Todd, 4
Kill them, rend the flesh from their bones, throw what's left into an anonymous ditch and let the birds feast on their remains!
That's all the time we have for today, kids! Tune in next week, when I'll be showing you 1984 ways to make paper dolls and snowflakes from the bodies of your enemies!!!
Thursday, February 2, 2017
wELCome toWER
It happens to everyone at some point in their lives. They look longingly at the lightless sun and think "This is wrong." They look at the mountains of teeth and think "Nothing just would allow this to exist" moments before it devours the empty, blackened sky. They look dreamily to the stars and think "These aren't the stars I know, these are cold and cruel, and always watching."
These things, these sleepers, these...we call them brothers and sisters, welcome always into the Tower that touches everywhere that should not exist.
Such gifts we have for you, child.
These things, these sleepers, these...we call them brothers and sisters, welcome always into the Tower that touches everywhere that should not exist.
Such gifts we have for you, child.
- Archeomancy - Some relics should stay buried.
- Violenceomancy - Some wings are forbidden for a reason.
- Ignorance - Not knowing won't save you.
Common Sense- ()
New from Crimson Bovine!!!
Hey everyone!
Do you want to remove your thirst from this timeline?*
Then you need to try the new flavor from Crimson Bovine, Casualty Crisis Cola!**
Lovingly crafted by soulless automated machines and bored teenagers, Casualty Crisis Cola flavor is a combination of a large number of different herbs and spices. Many of them are non-toxic! Once you try some, you won't want to stop drinking it ever!
And here at Crimson Bovine, we say that's okay!
The new flavor hits the shelves next week! Pick some up today!
Try some today, and you'll wish you had yesterday!
Or maybe...you did?***
*Removing thirst from current timeline can cause irreparable damage to the timeline. Please alter the timeline responsibly.
**Absolutely not created from time substance of questionable origin. Who told you that? Don't listen to them.
***Due to the nature of the ingredients used in Casualty Crisis Cola, the answer to this question is unclear.
Can anybody hear me?
I don't know where I am.
Something's wrong.
There are men with no faces
There is a sun which casts no light
I think I've made a terrible mistake
Please...
Help me
Do you want to remove your thirst from this timeline?*
Then you need to try the new flavor from Crimson Bovine, Casualty Crisis Cola!**
Lovingly crafted by soulless automated machines and bored teenagers, Casualty Crisis Cola flavor is a combination of a large number of different herbs and spices. Many of them are non-toxic! Once you try some, you won't want to stop drinking it ever!
And here at Crimson Bovine, we say that's okay!
The new flavor hits the shelves next week! Pick some up today!
Try some today, and you'll wish you had yesterday!
Or maybe...you did?***
*Removing thirst from current timeline can cause irreparable damage to the timeline. Please alter the timeline responsibly.
**Absolutely not created from time substance of questionable origin. Who told you that? Don't listen to them.
***Due to the nature of the ingredients used in Casualty Crisis Cola, the answer to this question is unclear.
Can anybody hear me?
I don't know where I am.
Something's wrong.
There are men with no faces
There is a sun which casts no light
I think I've made a terrible mistake
Please...
Help me
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