Super Wizard Holidays: Time Battle 1XXX

Hello readers!  I hope that this day finds you well.

Today would normally be the day of the week that we do Q&A, but we'll be taking a break from that this week as the Super Wizards prepare for our most important battle of the year:  The Time Battle.

The year is drawing to a close, and this means different things for different people.  For some, it's a time to spend with their family as they reflect on their time and look forward to the next year and what it  may hold.  For others, it's a time to celebrate with friends and ring in the new year with as much festivity (and alcohol) as possible.

But for Super Wizards, it's the time when the entire active order unites to battle the departing year as transforms from a concept into an actual monster.  And as you might guess, this particular year is very likely to be much nastier than usual.

The New Year Time Battle is, perhaps, the most important task entrusted to the Super Wizard order.  If the old year is not put to rest with the use of organized and efficient violence, the new year cannot move to take its place, and time will become sticky and weird.

So as you do whatever it is you plan to do this coming weekend to bring in the new year, give someone a high-five in honor of the Super Wizards battling to keep time moving forward.  We'll do everything in our power to make sure you don't wake up yesterday!

A word from our Sponsor

Hello everyone!  We'll be taking a bit of time to do something different today.  This blog and a vast majority of the Super Wizard Tower's functions are made possible by the generous donations and support of Crimson Bovine.  The Council has mailed me* a statement from Crimson Bovine to post here today.  Let's get right into it!
*From wherever they ran off to, there's no return address.

Crimson Bovine is the world renowned producer of questionably delicious Power Beverages, and we have products that appeal to any age, gender, race, religion, and political ideology.  Are you feeling tired?  Drained?  Injured?  Try one of our many flavors of Crimson Bovine today!  Below you'll find a selection of some of our newer flavors, and when in doubt, nothing beats original flavor!

"Crimson Bovine" Tropical Brain Freeze:  Have something that you'd like to forget?  Tropical Brain Freeze is the flavor for you!  Just reach for one of these and memories will be the least of your problems*!
*"Crimson Bovine" Tropical Brain Freeze contains 100% alcohol.  May cause blindness.

"Crimson Bovine" Just-in-Case Cyanide:  Has the worst happened?  Is there no other alternative?  Is the sweet embrace of death preferable to whatever is emerging from the shadows?  Let Crimson Bovine take you aboard the flavor-town roller coaster into the grave*!
*Crimson Bovine takes no responsibility resulting from consumption of Just-in-Case Cyanide flavor.  Seriously, look at the name.  Any cases of the termination of life resulting from consumption of this flavor are either intentional or deserved.

"Crimson Bovine" Glass:  It's exactly the same as regular flavor Crimson Bovine, but it's clear!  You'll buy it anyway because it's new and heavily marketed!

"Crimson Bovine" XTREME: It comes in a container that uses BRIGHT NEON COLORS and EDGY FONTS and FAMOUS WIZARDBALL ATHLETES*.  You'll buy it not because it tastes like pee, but because it's AWESOME!
*Artistic imaginings.

"Crimson Bovine" Tropical Chaos Flavor:  This flavor has been discontinued.  Research into possibly related human explosion incidents is ongoing.  Please contact Happyshine city hall for all litigation purposes.

So remember:  Whether you're lagging behind or just need a little boost, there's always a flavor of "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage for you!

Crimson Bovine:  It dissolves wings on contact!

Super Wizard Disciplines: Beast Persuasion (Part 1)

Hello readers!  I think it's about time that we start addressing the other circles of focus that we Super Wizards deal in.  Thus far, I've only really discussed Violenceomancy and Brainpower, so I'd like to begin touching on Beast Persuasion.  This is especially relevant as of late, perhaps.

It’s not uncommon for Super Wizards to have a very close bond with animals. This actually occurs frequently enough that there’s an entire circle of focus regarding animals. Beast Persuasion happens to be Elder Bob’s main area of expertise when he’s not serving in his temporary role teaching Philosophy. Students of note that excel in Beast Persuasion include Rodeo Nova, Lesser Evil*, and Burning Mermaid**.
*Not including bears.
**Yes, really.

The discipline of Beast Persuasion is deep and involved, and many aspects cannot exactly be taught in a classroom environment. Some Super Wizards develop bonds with animals very naturally, while others seem unable to develop bonds at all. While the Tower encourages the pursuit of whatever disciplines a Super Wizard desires to follow regardless of natural talent, there are a few that simply can’t happen.  Beast Persuasion falls into this category, and is one of the few disciplines that requires the user to pass an aptitude test prior to enrolling.

Beast Speech: When the bond between Super Wizard and their animal companion(s) is strong enough, they develop the ability to communicate. This happens naturally and isn’t really something that’s taught. It should be noted, however, that most animals have very little of interest to say, as (accidentally) demonstrated most recently by Rodeo Nova and her hounds.

 Beast Nature:  One of the more unusual abilities of Super Wizards specializing in Beast Persuasion is the ability to adapt to a similar nature as the beasts they're bonded with.  I say 'ability' but this is usually something that just happens.  Those bonded with cats tend to be exceptionally flexible and graceful*, while those bonded with dogs are known for loyalty and finding things**.  As for Elder Bob, the number of students mauled has dropped considerably as of late so it seems like he's started to get that under control.
*In addition to being the reason why catnip and laser pointers are forbidden in the tower.
**Along with having short attention spans and incredibly distracted by squirrels and squeaky toys.

About Twins

Lesser Evil's twin looked and spoke just like him (as twins typically do) except for a few distinct differences.  For one, his twin had a rather impressive handlebar mustache, which he twirled every now and then.  He did not laugh like a cartoon villain, but Lesser Evil suspected that he would look rather convincing if he did.

The second difference was the tree branch-like horns sprouting from both sides of his head.  They did not possess leaves, but a somewhat distressed squirrel moved back and forth through them, possibly having mistaken the horns for actual tree branches.  Lesser Evil thought they looked ridiculous.  How would he even get through a door with those?

The third very distinct difference was that his twin spoke Spanish.  Lesser Evil did not know this, as the Spanish language did not exist in his world.  Not being very well traveled, however, Lesser Evil probably wouldn't have realized this even if the Spanish language did exist in his world.

"So...it's normal to come across your twin in other dimensions?" Lesser Evil asked Space Slayer, who was trying to acquire an interdimensional map from a confused street vendor.  She finally lost her patience and walked away.

"I don't know if I'd say it's common, but it's not unheard of."  Space Slayer replied.  She looked at Lesser Evil's twin as he walked down the street.  "His mustache is quite impressive.  Horns are ridiculous though.  I wouldn't have recognized him as your twin, what set you off?"

"I saw him being chased out of the ladies restroom."

"Ah."

"So did you find our exit?"

"Not as of such.  I don't think it'll be as easy this time, we may be stuck here for a while."

"Well...that doesn't seem too bad."  Lesser Evil watched a bird land in the horns of his twin, chirping cheerfully.  His twin waved his hand at it and chased it away, muttering in Spanish under his breath.

"You don't quite understand how bad our situation is, do you?  There's a reason why travel through the multiverse is forbidden."

"I wonder if he needs to worry about termites?"  Lesser Evil thought to himself, as Space Slayer explained in great detail to him the dangers of traveling the multi-verse while gesturing wildly.  "Assuming those are actually wood.  They look like tree branches, but are they?  If they aren't tree branches, then what could they be?  Maybe bone?  That would be weird though, they're probably wood."

"Are you following this at all?"  She asked.

"Do you think he decorates the branches?"  Lesser Evil asked.  "I imagine he could make himself quite dapper.  Well, dapper in a silly sort of way."

Space Slayer let out an exasperated sigh as she realized Lesser Evil wasn't listening to her in the slightest.

"Have you ever run into one of your twins?"  Lesser Evil asked.

"My hands are stained with the blood of countless twins of mine."

"Cool.  That's a really weird and disturbing thing to say."

"It's sort of a family tradition.  You know like "Home is where the heart is?" or "Blood is thicker than water?".  My family's tradition is "Never suffer an alternate twin to live, lest you suffer the consequences."

"What consequences?"

Space Slayer shrugged.

"Hey, do you think there's alternate versions of the Tower?"

Space Slayer went to answer, but stopped and considered.  "That's actually a good idea.  Parts of the tower touch other dimensions.  Well, except for the West Wing.  The same one touches all dimensions."

"I thought the West Wing doesn't exist?"

"It doesn't, and that's where we're headed."  She replied, and walked off with determination in her step and Lesser Evil following in her wake.

Recent Events

Hello everybody!  I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season! I know that I did, between the gift giving and the customary awkward family time where we all field the usual questions and complaints*.  Before we kick things off again, I thought I'd take a moment to address some concerns regarding recent events.
*"What do you do again?" "When are you going to get a real job?"  "Why won't you cut your hair?"  "Please stop stabbing your uncle for being an Elder George supporter!"

Space Slayer and Lesser Evil:  Yes, the rumors are apparently true:  Space Slayer and Lesser Evil have united for reasons known only to them and are both currently missing.  The Council of Elders is currently doing their very best to investigate this issue*.  For the time being, the ghost of the Doomsday Scribe will be going door to door in the dorms passing out "Causality Crises and You!" guides as well as "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Just-in-Case Cyanide** flavor.
*At least, I assume that's what they've left to do when the lot of them were seen rushing out of the tower with hastily packed, bulging suitcases while screaming "You're on your own, suckers!".
**"For when you're out of options, and absolutely no other flavor will do."

The Hounds:  All of you may have noticed the packs of large dogs all yelling the word "Bark!" in people voices*.  This is...well...not exactly normal, but normal enough for the Tower, I suppose.  This was the result of a botched spell performed by our very own Rodeo Nova.  I'm told she knows how to fix it now, which she'll do "When it stops being funny."

On a related note, you may have noticed that Elder George is also yelling nothing but the word "Bark!".  This is hilarious**.
*They're kind of hard to miss.  If you have not noticed them, please report to your Ignorance professor for extra credit.
**As this effect seems to have carried over to his computer abilities, The Council has decided to revoke Elder George's computer access until a cure to his condition can be acquired***.
***There has not been a tremendous hurry to do this.

The Quest:  As you may have heard from rumors around the tower and the announcement that was read to the citizens of Happyshine, the princess has fallen ill with the terrible sickness of death.  This is actually a fairly minor issue in the grand scheme of things, as the royal family of Happyshine mostly serves as figurehead rulers these days.  That aside, Wolf Knight has been sent to the Dark Undercold on a quest to obtain the cure.  Because the Council feared for his safety*, Burning Mermaid was also sent to back him up on this quest.  Rumors that Turbo Thunder has secretly left to assist as well are ridiculous and unfounded, no matter how many people he told.
*And not at all because they were too terrified to stop her.

The West Wing:  A number of you have pointed out that the door to the West Wing (which does not exist) has transformed into a large, fleshy mouth lined with dagger length fangs and a suspiciously red carpet-like tongue.  Please allow me to be blunt for a moment:  The West Wing does not exist, and if it DID exist, the fact that the door turned into a giant mouth should be even less of a reason to enter then when it was a door (that did not exist)!

The West Wing does not exist.  For your own safety, do not enter the West Wing, whether the entrance is a door or a mouth.  We only have a few more days left in the month, and we're already almost past our yearly "acceptable loss" numbers for students.  Remember:  Safety First (for about another week)!

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 7)

Hello everyone!  It's another Friday, so that means more questions to answer!  Let's get right to it.  The first letter seems to have come from Lesser Evil, although...I'm not really sure how.  it looks like it's written on a large blue leaf dripping with some sort of viscus...material.

Dear Lazer Gaiden,

I decided to visit Dr. Cool Rad to address my air quote problem. As you can see, I appear to be cured of my affliction only after spending a few moments with Dr. Cool Rad. At no point did I actually encounter Space Slayer on my way to or from Dr. Cool Rad's office, despite rumors of students, Super Wizards, or Lazer Gaiden (hello sir!) claiming to see us pass through walls within the Tower.

Interestingly however is that I seemed to have lost time since my visit to Dr. Cool Rad's office, and not just the time I lost yesterday (you all can stop pulling my leg and telling me that I have been missing for a week now). It seems that from time to....

nwoD no ruoy kcul? tsoL ni eht tresed fo riapsed? rO ebyam tsuj ni deen fo a kcip em pu? lleW neht uoy dluohs yrt nosmirC enivoB's tsetal rewop egareveb srovalf: kcuL fo eht hsirI, dna sisaO fo ssenippaH. roF eht llams ecirp fo enin ytenin-enin, dna ruoy ytinas, uoy oot nac dir flesruoy fo lla esoht yksep smelborp uoy'ev neeb gnicaf.

TUB TIAW! EREHT's EROM! tcA won, dna ew'll worht ni a dn2 esac ROF EERF! tahT's thgir, yub eno esac fo ruo tsetal srovalf dna teg a dnoces esac rof yletulosba eerf! noD't ssim-pu no siht ytinutroppo! llaC won!

... I seem to blank out and lost track of time. Is it possible that these black outs are a side effect of anything that Dr. Cool Rad may have done to me during my treatment for uncontrollable airquotes?
-Lesser Evil

Oh dear.  Lesser Evil, I believe you  may have been exposed to dangerous prophetic radiation.  It's difficult to say when or where this could have happened, especially since you're...somewhere...with Space Slayer.  You should probably get that looked at as soon as possible.  The condition starts out simple enough, with with blacking out and spouting off nightmare words, but if left untreated it can become an incurable mess that results in becoming a Doom Scribe or worse:  A desire to make Nightcore music*.
*As one of your teachers, and I'd like to hope someone that you can trust, I'd like to reassure you that we'd put you down gently before it got that bad.

Are there any Elders available to tutor me in shielding spells? There was a “slight incident” between Elder George and my dogs while practicing ventriloquism spells. Now Snuggly Cuddlesworth is berating me with Elder George’s voice, and Elder George is running around on all fours and yelling “Bark!” A counter-spell won’t be needed (I find Elder George more agreeable now), but I’d like to prevent future mishaps.
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova.  On official record*, I'm obligated to tell you that I'm very disappointed in your misuse of magic.  You'll probably want to track down Elder Seth.  He's retired at this point, but I hear he lives somewhere in Happyshine.  Elder Seth was the resident expert in shielding spells and we never managed to find someone quite as good to be his replacement.  You can probably convince him to tutor you if you bribe him with a salami sandwich, he has a weakness for those.  A more difficult problem may be convincing Dr. Expendable to make one for you.  The last time he cooked a meal for the Council, he delivered them a pot of steamed socks.
*Off the official record, I'm going to make sure that you get extra credit in all your classes and high fives from the other Elders. 
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK, BARK BARK BA'RK BARK BARK!!!!
 Edited by Elder George on 1XXX at 6:03 PM. 

I believe that's all the time we have for questions this week.  The viscus...something...from Lesser Evil's submitted question seems to have coalesced into an animated blob of some kind.  I'd best get the broom and take care of this, don't want a repeat of what happened last time.

The Waterfall of Sight

Space Slayer and Lesser Evil stood at the edge of a cliff overlooking a huge waterfall.  Instead of water, however, there was a constant stream of eyeballs that parted about halfway down to give them a perfect view of the large mouth that was beat-boxing at a rapid pace.  The ground rumbled from the force of the constant stream of sound coming from the eyeballs and the mouth.

"This is your fault."  Space Slayer said.

"He had a spray bottle, Space Slayer!"  Lesser Evil exclaimed, incredulously.

"I saw that.  I was there."

"Where are we, anyway?"

"I don't know.  That's your fault too."

"You can't blame everything on me!"

"I can, actually, because it's your fault."

"You can't prove that!"

Space Slayer made a frustrated noise and grabbed the blank paper out of Lesser Evil's hands, crumpled it up, and threw it off the cliff.

"Hey!  How will we find our way back now?!"  Lesser Evil yelled.  "Plus, I mean...that was littering."

 "He's right, you know.  You're disrupting the delicate ecosystem here."  The waterfall said, pausing the intense beat-boxing."

"Sorry about that."  Space Slayer apologized.  A winged mouth that didn't seem to be attached to anything swooped out of the sky and caught the crumpled up paper in mid-air and flew off again.

"Well I guess that takes care of that."  The waterfall said, and went back to beat-boxing.

"Aww...my map..."  Lesser evil moaned, watching the mouth as it flew away.

"Excuse me, um..."  Space Slayer considered for a moment.  "...Sir?  We're a bit lost, can you direct us to the human plane?"

"Oh, Eye See.  Eye figured you were outs-eye-ders."  The waterfall said, emphasizing the words.

Space Slayer closed her eyes, trying to find patience.  "It's been a rough day, I'm gonna need you to stop with the puns."

"Eye can See when Eye'm not appreciated."  The waterfall said, with a toothy grin.

Space Slayer opened her eyes again and one of them twitched.

"Don't worry, Eye think Eye can help you out.  With m-eye help, you will See the-"

Twenty minutes later, Space Slayer was holding the door in the wall open.  "Time to go."  She looked back at Lesser Evil, who was hiding behind a rock.  "...You coming or not?"

"I didn't know...you could kill a waterfall..."

Space Slayer rolled her eyes.  "It was being a jerk."

"There was so much blood...."

"All the more reason to get out of here."  She said.  She sighed and walked over to the traumatized man and grabbed him by the arm, dragging him over to the door.  "This wouldn't have happened if you didn't get us lost anyway."

"You can't prove th-"  He started to say, as she kicked him through the door.

Formal Apology

I would like to formally apologize to Super Wizard Burning Passion of Insufferable Fury for getting his name wrong again.

Super Wizard Rankings (Part 1)

Hello everyone!  I've received a number of questions about how the Super Wizard ranking system works.  There's a somewhat complex system to it, but I'll go into one of the things that has caused the most confusion first.

The Tower has, as you may have guessed, many students.  Students are always referred to simply by their name (as chosen in their naming).  So students would be referred to as, for example, Taco Lightning or Rodeo Nova or Hyper Bulldozer.

When a student graduates, they achieve the first official Super Wizard rank, and they are officially recognized by putting Super Wizard before their name.  An example of this would be myself, Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden, or Super Wizard Burning Fury of Insufferable Passion.  This is an honorific and for the sake of efficiency, we often simply use our names.

The official Super Wizard ranking is as follows, and is formalized by our wise Council in bronze and displayed in the lobby:

I. Super Wizard Master
II. Super Wizard Master Senior
III. Super Wizard Master Superior
IV. Super Wizard Master Ultra Rad
V. Super Wizard Master XTREME!!!!
VI. Super Wizard Master Think of Cool Name Later
VII. Milk
VIII. Bread
IX. Eggs
X. Elder George, please stop using the rank listing as a grocery list before it is formalized in bronze.

I personally hold the rank of Super Wizard Master Senior.

As mentioned previously, the Super Wizard order also maintains a military force.  The military force uses a different ranking system, which we'll go into in a future entry as well as how moving through the ranks in both occurs.

Meet the Staff (Part 4)

Hello readers!  The time has come once more for another Meet the Staff!  Let's get into it without delay!

Dr. Expendable Esq.:  The Tower's resident expert in Faerie Law/Cooking.  While his name is not actually Expendable, those in this particular position tend to have a very short...shelf life.  The knowledge of the forbidden arts of cooking are a heavy burden on the mortal mind.  Our current Dr. Expendable is likely drawing near to the end of his term, as he has developed an alarming habit of accosting student and senior alike in the halls and screaming ingredients and cooking terms at them.  I've heard the council discussing among themselves that it may be time to contact the Happyshine "Totally Legit" Vocational School (Down at the Docks branch) about conducting their annual Law and Cooking lottery so we can find a replacement.

Super Wizard Burning Passion of Insufferable Fury:  The Tower's expert on the use of the X-52 Giant Robot and currently in the running for the Super Wizard with the longest name.  Super Wizard Burning Passion of Insufferable Fury knows his way around the X-52 better than anyone, and actually helped pioneer the 52 model*.  This has also contributed to the Council's decision to be lenient  when Fury landed the 52 into the repair shop when he attempted to shatter the Unshatterable Obelisk of Tony***.  Super Wizard Burning Passion of Insufferable Fury is currently one of the Super Wizards on assignment to slay the Desert of Sorrow.
*The X-52 model was a significant upgrade from the X-51**, as it no longer requires the combination of five smaller tiger robots and can be used by the solitary galactic hero.  Fury's addition of scream-activated special attack functionality was seen as awesome, but the practicality has been questioned by some of the more boring Super Wizards.
**As the repair process for the X-52 drags on, the Council has been debating recommissioning the X-51.
***Appropriately named, although no one is sure who Tony is or was.

A Quest (Epilogue)

Lazer Gaiden stood at the window to his office, overlooking the lands that laid beyond the tower.  He took a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air and a brief moment of peace as he took out his lunch and placed the sandwich on the desk, slowly unwrapping it.  His stomach rumbled as he picked it up and prepared to take a bite when there was a knock at the door.  He sighed, and he put the sandwich back down on the desk.

"Come in."  He said.

The door to his office opened and a mousey looking girl with glasses stuck her head in.  "Um...hello sir."  She said.

"Hello Taco Lightning.  What can I do for you?"

"Sir, I was wondering if there was some sort of...mistake."

"Quite possibly, but you'll need to give me some more details than that."

"Um...about the...Glamomancy...thing."

"I don't believe a mistake was made, no.  The gentlemen from Crimson Bovine allowed us to use their genetic sampler on all the students to test for compatibility, and you made it explode in a cloud of sparkles and "zazz."  Don't worry, I've no doubt that you'll pick it up very quickly.  Elder Donna is new, but she's very knowledgeable."

Taco Lightning didn't look convinced, but nodded her head slowly.  "If you say so, sir...Thank you for your time."  And then she was gone, as quickly as she had arrived.

Lazer Gaiden waited a moment, and then picked his sandwich back up and prepared to take a bite when Space Slayer walked through the wall to the office.  "Er...Hello Space Slayer."  he said, putting the sandwich back down.

"Oh!  Hello sir!"  Space Slayer chirped, beaming.

"I thought you were missing?"

"Oh I am!  I'm very missing.  I'm here, but not actually here-here.  The meta-plane we're traveling through just intersects through your timeline and spaceline at this particular point."

"Yep, didn't understand a word of that."

"No need to worry, we're quite safe!"

"We?"

Lesser Evil wandered through the wall behind Space Slayer, still looking at the folded up blank sheet of paper.  "I still think we should have made a left at Frank...oh...er...hello sir."

Lazer Gaiden felt his heart leap into his chest as he saw the Council's worst fears pass in front of him.  "Lesser Evil, what have I told you about the rules?"  he asked, pulling the spray bottle out of his drawer.

"Ack!  Not the spray bottle!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"  Lesser Evil shouted as Lazer Gaiden leaped over his desk brandishing the spray bottle.  Lesser Evil ran towards the wall and passed through it.

"No!  Not that way!  You're going to get us lo-"  Space Slayer yelled as she chased after him and passed through the wall.

Lazer Gaiden approached the wall and put a hand to it.  Solid.  He put a hand to his head, feeling a headache coming on, and went back to his desk.  He put the spray bottle back in the drawer and picked the sandwich back up once more, finally preparing to take a bite when he stopped and listened.  It sounded like a huge group of yelling people were quickly approaching his office.

He put the sandwich down again and began to approach the door when a veritable wall of dogs smashed through it, tackling him to the ground and sprinting all around his office.  All of them were yelling the word "Bark" in distressingly human voices.

"SIR!  I HAVE A PROBLEM!"  Rodeo Nova yelled over the dogs as she ran through the door.

"I have several."  Lazer Gaiden replied, as several dogs licked his face and another ate his sandwich.  "But I'm willing to guess yours has a more interesting story."

"Elder George taught me how to do a ventriloquism spell!  I tried it out on my dogs but something went horribly wrong!"

"You don't say."

"Elder George said you could help me fix this!"

"Ah.  Elder George.  Of course it was him."  Lazer Gaiden heaved a heavy sigh.  It was going to be a long day.

A short while later, the two of them managed to wrangle all of the dogs out of the office.  Various students let out cries of surprise as they were pounced on by large dogs, but Lazer Gaiden ignored them and shut the door.  Nothing they weren't used to at this point anyway.  He walked back over to his desk and sat down.

"I hear you and Burning Mermaid had a bit of a falling out."

"I wouldn't say it was a falling out.  We just disagreed on whether big dogs or small dogs are better."

"I...see."

"All dogs deserve love, but the ones who deserve the most are the ones you can ride into battle."  She tilted her head a moment, as though committing her own quote to memory.  "Where is she, anyway?"

"She asked to join Wolf Knight on his quest, and the Council agreed to let her go."

"Aren't Dark Undercold quests the ones that are..."  She stopped and tilted her head again.  "tactics used to "gently discourage" students from continuing their education?"  I believe that's how you put it."

"...You've got quite a memory."

"You know that more people probably read your fine print than your regular print, right sir?  If you want to hide something, you probably shouldn't write it at all."

"...So about your dog problem."

"Oh!  I think I may actually keep them like this for a while as I try and figure out the spell myself.  Thanks anyway, sir!"  Rodeo Nova beamed, as she ran for the door.

"Wait, Rodeo Nova, I don't-and she's gone."  Lazer Gaiden shook his head and looked down, finally realizing that his sandwich was gone.  He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth.  "Really should have expected that."

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 6)

Hello readers!  I apologize for the silence this week, there were a number of unexpected issues that popped up.

 I would like to first address the rumors of the missing students.  Let me assure you that with the exception of Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid (who have departed on an epic quest), and Turbo Thunder (Who has left the tower to visit his family and not to secretly help Wolf Knight on his quest), the Council is doing everything possible to locate the missing students.  Truly, as the possibility that Lesser Evil and Space Slayer have crossed paths has terrified some of the Elders comatose and violates the student handbook, several treaties, and possibly the laws of reality.  They probably haven't crossed paths though, they both just have a habit of ending up where they don't belong or getting lost.  The odds that they're somewhere together are fairly low.

With that aside, let's get into this week's Q&A!

How many beings can a ventriloquism spell be cast on at one time? Specifically I'm looking for 2-50. Also specifically, they are dogs.
-Rodeo Nova

...You really have no idea how much I would like to decline answering this question, but the Council has required that I attempt to answer every submitted question as best I can.

Ventriloquism spells heavily depend on the skill of the caster.  I think most students could handle at least 2, but the upward limit will vary.  The spell has fallen out of favor these days for not being flashy or explody enough, so you may need to request someone personally teach you.  I don't believe you'll find a class on the spell, but one of the Elders may be willing to teach you.

Regarding the Doomsday Scribe, who do we submit doomsday prophecies to until the Tower finds a replacement?
-Taco Lightning

Never fear, you can still submit prophecies to the former Doomsday Scribe in his quarters.  His physical vessel may have been (quite thoroughly) destroyed, but his spirit remains*.  Just ignore his whining about the constant pain and torment of his existence, it's not really any different from when he was alive anyway.

However, if you notice anything odd about his ghostly attire, please make sure you report it.  Elder Steve has been known to make ghosts and undead wear silly and embarrassing outfits, and the Scribe is already difficult to work with without being insulted as well.
*The fine print of the Doomsday Scribe's contract states that his spirit can and will be bound to the tower using foul magic until a suitable replacement has been found.

Dear Lazer Gaiden,
 
You weren't kidding about this desert. All is lost. All of it. Please send water. I don't know where we are. Oh God. Oh God.

How do you keep spirits up when supernaturally depressed?

Regards, etc.etc.
-Sergeant Mercy Gorecrunch

 Mercy!  So good to hear from you again!  Hope everything is going well in your assignment!

Sounds like you're running into some trouble with the effect of the Desert of Sorrow.  Your best bet is to keep some "Crimson Bovine" at hand and break out Elder Mary's...how did she put it..."Weaponized Family Friendly Musical Numbers."  Our extensive research and investigation have shown that to be the most effective weapon against the Desert of Sorrow's influence.  Elder Mary has warned that these songs may come with some sort of side-effect, but we never actually listen to things like that because they're boring.

How do we go about enrolling in Glamomancy?  It seems like there's not a lot of information available about it.
-Throat-Punch Ballet

 Glamomancy is a relatively new Super Wizard discipline.  The Council has asked me to speak more about it next week, so please be patient until then.  The Fabulous Arts will soon be revealed to all.

That's all the time I have for today.  Have a good weekend, everyone!

A Quest (Part 4)

Turbo Thunder stared at his reflection in the shining, sheer black surface of the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration. He and Wolf Knight looked up and saw the unblemished wall rising as far as they could see.

"You're right, Turbo! Going to the cliffs was a fantastic idea! Why don't you head up first, I'll be right behind you." Wolf Knight beamed.

“What the hell?” Turbo muttered, running his hand along the gleaming black wall as he walked back and forth trying to find a way up.

“Pretty sure we’re not getting up there, Turbo. Come on, let's just turn back and take the other route.”

“Like Hell we aren’t.” He dropped his pack on the ground and Wolf Knight was genuinely surprised to see that he had packed climbing gear. “Just give me a minute.” He took out a mallet and metal stake and attempted to hammer the stake into the cliff. When the cliff didn’t give way even slightly, Turbo’s hammering became more and more forceful.

“They don’t call them the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration for nothing, apparently.” Wolf Knight thought as he watched with a bemused look on his face as Turbo visibly became angrier the clang of the hammer on metal grew louder until he inevitably missed and cracked his thumb with the hammer. Turbo swore loudly and went to kick the wall, but managed to lose his balance in the most spectacular way possible. Both of his feet gave way from under him and he somehow flipped and landed on his head.

“I have absolutely no idea how that happened.” Turbo said, more confused than angry now.

“Maybe we should try the other path.”

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s like Elder Fred always says: “The correct path is always the last one you try.””

“Elder Fred didn’t say that, Turbo. Elder Fred is a rock.”

“You’re absolutely right, Wolf Knight. He’s our rock, the very thing that keeps us on the path to wisdom.”

“That’s not what I…” Wolf Knight squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Right, let’s get to that other path.”

The two turned around to make their way back to the road, only to find their paths blocked by a short woman with pink hair and little horns poking out.  "Interesting choice of travel route."

Wolf Knight ignored Turbo jumping to hide behind him.  "Burning Mermaid?  What are you doing all the way out here?"

Burning Mermaid shrugged. "An epic quest sounded more interesting than staying at the Tower, so I decided to come with you.  Also, Rodeo Nova and I have had a disagreement, so I thought it best to take my leave for a time while she cools down."

"What sort of disagreement?" Wolf Knight asked.

"A disagreement in relation to the subject of dogs."

"Well, it had to be either that or books, I suppose." Wolf Knight replied.

"She does possess a strong distaste for the scriptures of man."

"We're...aware, yes.  I think most of the students, elders, and citizens of Happyshine are." Wolf Knight said.

"So...the Council just let you go?" Turbo asked, peeking out from behind Wolf Knight.

"Yes, they were actually very supportive of my decision. I'll admit that it has made me somewhat suspicious of the expected success rate of this quest." She replied.

"Well that makes two of us." Wolf Knight said.

"I would like to see the Dark Undercold as well.  Everything I have heard about it has made it sound very...homey.  I want to see how it compares."

"You're not actually thinking of letting her come along, are you?"  Turbo urgently whispered to Wolf Knight.

"Would there be a problem with that, Turbo Thunder?"  Burning Mermaid asked, glaring at him.

Turbo made a noise in a higher pitch than Wolf Knight was aware he could make and ducked back out of sight.  "No, not at all!"  he chirped from his place of safety.

"It could get violent."  Wolf Knight suggested.

"There's no reason that we can't be civil to the Deathlords."  Burning Mermaid said.

"Yeah?  What if they don't like dogs?"  Wolf Knight asked.

"Then none will be spared."  Burning Mermaid replied, casually.

"What level of Hell do dog-haters go to, anyway?"  Turbo squeaked.

Burning Mermaid shook her head. "The Thirteen Hells have no place for those who dislike dogs. We have standards, Turbo Thunder."

"What about cat-haters?"  he asked.

"Level 5."

"Where DO dog-haters go then?"

Burning Mermaid gave Turbo a very nasty smile.  "Do you want me to tell you?"

Turbo turned white as a sheet and quickly shook his head.

"Well then, on that incredibly distressing note, let's get back to this quest then."

A Quest (Part 3)

Lesser Evil looked up from the large folded paper he was holding at the giant floating face in the sky and frowned.  The face stared back at him.  He looked back down at the paper again and his frown deepened, and he looked back up at the face.  The face stared back at him.  He looked back down at the paper and the face sighed.

"The map's not going to change no matter how many times you look at it, kid."

"...map?"  Lesser Evil responded, looking at the face with a confused look on his face.  "What's a map?"

"You're joking, right?"  The face asked.  "He's joking, right?"

"Probably not, Frank, he's got the sense of direction of a confused tree stump."  Space Slayer replied from nearby.

"So...a map is what?"

The face heaved out a heavy sigh, causing a nearby stone tree to crack and fall over.  "It's a sort of picture of the nearby area that you can use to find things."

Lesser Evil's jaw dropped open, aghast.  "Those exist?!  Why didn't anyone tell me?!"

"They did.  Multiple times.  At length."  Space Slayer replied, bringing her hand to her face.  "Why did you even follow me, Lesser Evil?  I'm pretty sure the fact that we're speaking alone could get us both expelled, arrested, probably executed, and possibly exorcised and sealed away with forbidden magics."

Lesser Evil shrugged.  "I just follow my gut, and it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Are you sure it's your gut you follow?  Considering where you usually end up, I have my doubts."

"Hah, zing."  The face rumbled.

"Quiet, Frank."  Space Slayer said, glancing up at the face.

"Sorry about that."  The face apologized.

"Where are we, anyway?"  Lesser Evil asked, looking around again.

"We're at Frank."  Space Slayer replied with a shrug, gesturing around them.

"Yo."  The face rumbled.

"I thought Frank was the face?"  Lesser Evil asked.

"Don't talk about the face like it's not here."  The face rumbled again, indignantly.

"He is, but he's also the place."  Space Slayer explained.

"Okay...so where are you headed?"  Lesser Evil asked.  "Just...visiting the face?"

"Something wrong with that?"  The face boomed.

"Oh no, you seem like a very nice floating sky face."  Lesser Evil said.  "And you're both clearly...acquainted."

"Frank's a cool guy, he throws good parties."  Space Slayer said with a shrug.

"No Body can resist my parties."  The face rumbled.  "Sorry, little bit of floating sky face humor there."

"...But I didn't actually come here to see Frank."  Space Slayer continued, ignoring the pun.  "I need to find Wolf Knight, and this is a stop on the way."

"Didn't he just leave for some sort of quest?"  Lesser Evil asked.  "Turbo Thunder was running around telling everyone who would listen that he was going along to help, but not to tell the Council because it was a secret."

"Yeah, he left for the Dark Undercold, which is why it's important that I find him."  Space Slayer said.

"Why didn't you just leave through the front gate?"  Lesser Evil asked.

"Are you criticizing my choice of directions?  You?"  Space Slayer asked, incredulously.  "And I couldn't use the front gate, it was watching."

"The gate?"  Lesser Evil asked.

"Yeah, it's still angry about last time."  Space Slayer replied.

"What happened last time?"  Lesser Evil asked.

Space Slayer took out a small booklet and flipped through it.  "Looks like our exit is that way.  I don't like it, but you'll have to tag along.  Unless you'd like to stay with Frank, of course."

"I could bring out the board games."  The face rumbled.

"Another time, Frank."  Space Slayer said to the face.  She grabbed Lesser Evil's arm and dragged him to a tree with a door in it.  "Also, if that wasn't a map, what were you looking at?"

"Oh this?  It's blank.  I was just doing a thing my parents taught me to do when I got lost."  He replied.

"...I think they meant for you to be holding a map."  She said.

"What's a map?"  He asked.

Space Slayer opened the door and kicked him through the opening. "See you around, Frank."  She said.

"You sure about the board games?  I've got Yah-and she's gone."  The face looked around at the barren landscape and sighed.  "Solitaire it is, I guess.  Oh wait, no hands."

A Quest (Part 2)

After gathering a small amount of personal belongings and the backpack given to him by the Council, Wolf Knight made his way out of Happyshine and traveled down the road a bit until he reached a fork in the road.

“Okay, let’s see what help the Council has decided to grace me with…” Wolf Knight muttered and started rooting through the backpack they gave him. There were a few glow sticks, some rope, three boxes with small pieces of tape upon which “mealz” had been written (The z at the end emphasized and used to underline the rest of the word), A small bottle labeled “Crimson Bovine Power Beverage”, a second small bottle labeled “Crimson Bovine Diet Power Beverage”, and a Pamphlet that said “Come visit the Scenic Dark Undercold!” in large, cartoonish bubble letters.

“In contrast to the name, the Dark Undercold is neither dark, nor cold! Why not begin your trip at the beautiful Sacrificial Slab Inn and Grill? You might even learn a bit of local history from the friendly Cult of the Screaming Bleeding Agony that run the business! They’re a riot, and the Inn and Grill has the ringing endorsement of our wise and noble leader, Lord Darkblood Killdeath!” There was a small, circular picture of a cloaked figure beneath the paragraph with an arm raised in what may have been a thumbs up if any part of his body had been exposed, and the quote “They’re Sacri-tastic!” underneath it. Wolf knight’s attention was drawn from the travel brochure by someone shouting from the road behind him, a voice that filled him with far more dread than the quest ahead of him.

“My friend!” Shouted Turbo Thunder, the golden child of the Super Wizard tower and Wolf Knight’s roommate. “I will not allow you to undertake a quest this dangerous by yourself!”

“Turbo.” Wolf Knight said, inwardly heaving a heavy sigh. “I think I can handle this. Did Lazer Gaiden send you?”

“No, my friend!” Turbo beamed. “I join you now of my own desire and will.” He looked around him as though suddenly concerned someone might be listening. “I told them that I was taking a short leave to visit family and got a permission slip signed.” He pulled out a slip of paper and showed it to Wolf Knight.

“Hm. Reason for leaving: Secretly helping Wolf Knight on his quest. Very Clever, Turbo. I’m sure they’ll never suspect.” Wolf Knight said, wishing that there was less truth to that statement.

“Exactly! And I’m sure that traveling with me, you’ll be able to better your catastrophically terrible skills! I can’t just sit back and watch a fellow Super Wizard hopeful fail.

“Truly the Super Wizards are undeserving of a paragon such as yourself.” Wolf Knight replied, dryly.

Turbo beamed “Okay! In order to figure out where we’re going to go, I’ll use the ancient Super Wizard power of Archeomancy!”

“That’s not really necessary, Turbo, I’ve got a map.” Wolf Knight replied, but Turbo had already begun chanting. “Okay, I guess this is happening whether I want it to or not.”

Turbo’s chanting increased in both volume and intensity as he slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a compass.

“Archeomancy’s not a power, Turbo.”

Turbo continued chanting and began to turn back and forth a bit while looking down at the compass.

“Why are you chanting? You’re just looking at a compass.”

Turbo stopped turning, locking in to face the desired direction. “Our goal lies in this direction, my friend!”

“That’s where we came from, Turbo. The Dark Undercold is to the s-” Wolf Knight trailed off as Turbo bounded down the road that led back to Happyshine. “...Okay then.” He turned back to the pamphlet again and flipped to the directions section.

“Coming from Happyshine? You must have drawn the short straw!” Wolf Knight rolled his eyes.

“There are technically two paths to take from Happyshine: The first, the eastern path, will take you to the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration, but as nobody has ever managed to scale the cliffs, this path is not recommended.”

“The more rational path to the west will take you to the Cavern of Fireflies and the Forest of Ages, both of which are possible routes that can be taken into the Dark Undercold. Use this mnemonic device to remember the difference between the right path and the wrong path: Don’t go to the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration, that’s stupid!”

“We should try the cliffs!” Turbo shouted, causing Wolf Knight to recoil in shock.

“When the hell did you get back?”

Turbo stared at him as though he didn’t understand the question.

“And were you reading over my shoulder?”

“Yeah!”

“...I’m going to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure you could read.”

“Of course I can read! Don’t you remember when I won first place in Rodeo Nova's reading contest last month?”

“Turbo, her ‘reading contest’ was a competition to see who could punch through the most books.  And there wasn't a prize, she was just trying to root out the stragglers from her assault on the library."  He stopped and considered for a moment.  "Although I'll admit to the plan being more clever than I gave her credit for, I still don't get what she has against books."

"Well I mean...she's got a point if you think about it.  Books could have anything written in them!"

"Yes, because that's how books work, Turbo.  And we're getting off topic, you used my textbooks for that nonsense!"

"Yeah...sorry about that.  I couldn't find mine."

"I had to use loaners until they could get me replacements. One of them had teeth marks, Turbo!  TEETH MARKS!”

“Well you know what they…”

“No. Shut up. Sink your teeth into a good book is a figure of speech. It’s not any more literal than the last 50 times you said it.”

A Quest (Part 1)

The following was overheard in Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden's office, shortly after Wolf Knight was called in for a discussion.





“Terrible news, Wolf Knight.” The Royal Beard began. “The princess of Happyshine has been overcome with a terrible sickness.”

“That’s awful, sir! What is her illness?”

“She’s fallen prey to a terrible case of death!”

Silence fell on on the office as Wolf Knight processed this information. The clock ticked loudly on the wall.

“Death.” Wolf Knight repeated. “So...she’s dead.”

“No, she HAS death Wolf Knight.” Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden corrected. “Please try to keep up with the conversation.”

“Okay, so she...has….death.” Wolf Knight stated. “That’s...probably terrible, but I’m not clear what this has to do with me.”

“We’re sending you on a quest to find the cure.” Lazer Gaiden announced.

“The cure.”

“Yes.”

“For death.”

“Yes. This seems to be a difficult concept for you to grasp.”

“No sir, just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page. Please go on. How does one cure death?”

“You will need to travel to the Dark Undercold and find the Evil Castle of the Evil Deathlords.”

“I don’t think you need to use that word twice, I understand that they’re evil.”

“Only by mixing a sample of blood from every one of them can the Princess’ death be reversed.”

“Right. Reverse the death. That absolutely makes sense.”

Lazer Gaiden cleared his throat. “I noticed that you’re failing your philosophy class, “I can punch it, but should I?””

“Yes sir, Elder Bob and I have some disagreements on whether certain things should or should not be punched.”

“So I’ve heard, at length.” Lazer Gaiden muttered. “If you complete this quest, we’ll award you with enough extra credit to boost you to a passing grade.”

“Very generous, sir, but wouldn’t a mission this dangerous and important be better suited for full Super Wizards? I’m still a trainee.”

“The other Super Wizards are on their own assignment to slay the Desert of Sorrow.”

“Ah, I was wondering where they-I’m sorry, did you say slay the desert?”

“Yes.”

“Yes? That’s all? Don’t you think that warrants more explanation? How does-”

“Please stay on topic, young Wolf Knight” The Royal Beard interjected. “This is a highly important and sensitive matter.”

Lazer Gaiden raised a hand. “Please let me have a word alone with the boy.” He said.

“As you wish, Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden.” The Royal Beard replied, and left the room with a stiff air of nobility. Lazer Gaiden watched the door for a moment and shook his head a bit before focusing back on Wolf Knight.

"Wolf Knight.” Lazer Gaiden said, as he steepled his fingers. “A number of the elders lately have expressed concern lately that you may not be...the best fit with the Super Wizards. Elder Fred most recently.”

“Sir, Elder Fred is a rock with a face drawn on it.”

“Wolf Knight…”

“The “Battle Contemplations” class is literally an hour of us staring at the rock.”

“Be that as it may, Elder Fred is a valued member of the Super Wizard council. There’s also the matter of your...previous incidents.”

Wolf Knight visibly grimaced. “Sir, those were-”

“Incident from three months ago in your remedial “Aesthetics of Cool” class. You were quoted as saying “Sir! I don’t think I’m getting through to you. I understand the principles of walking away and not looking at explosions, I just think they’re stupid. You’re stupid. This whole goddamn tower is stupid!” There was apparently more to that outburst, but the rest of it just says etc. Presumably because Elder Roger stopped caring.”

“I was...going through a dark time.”

“The incident from two months ago: Calling Happyshine Emergency Medical Services on the super wizards training in the ancient art of rabies.”

“I stand by that decision, sir! Rabies is not a magical weapon, those people needed medical help!”

“I’m not going to sit here and explain the basics of super wizard weapon training to you again, Wolf Knight. And let’s not forget today’s outburst. Elder Jack had several things to say about your...class participation.”

“Sir, this is starting to feel a bit like blackmail…”

“Good guys don’t blackmail, Wolf Knight, they produce material that coerces you into doing something you don’t want to do.”

“...Sir, that’s-”

“I’m afraid that this is going to be your last chance. You’ll need to either complete this quest or look into other options for your future.”

“I...yes sir.”

“I want to see you succeed. The Elders may not appreciate your...unique...outlook on things, but I think you have the potential to be one of...well maybe not the best of us, but...I think you could probably squeak by graduation with at least a passing grade.” He considered his words for a moment. “Probably.”

“Very inspiring, sir.”

“So will you accept this quest? Will you save Happyshine?”

Wolf Knight sighed. “Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.”

“Fantastic news, Wolf Knight. Elder George prepared a statement to be announced to the citizens which should be read at any moment now.”

“Funny how you knew I’d accept the quest, almost like it was blackm-”

“For centuries upon centuries, the Kingdom of Happyshine has been the prime producer of the world's happiness.” The herald announced to the crowd outside. “Our people are happy, our animals are happy, even our vermin are happy, before our exterminators (who are also happy) kill them. The light of our joy has always been a beacon of hope for all who visit!”

“As you all know, the Kingdom of Happyshine is also the headquarters for the Super Wizard Order, the most hardcore, badass warriors that have ever existed anywhere. They ensure that the citizens of Happyshine and the world at large are kept safe from the many evils and unhappy people that exist in the world. Most of them are also happy, and those that aren't are badass enough that people don't say anything about it.”

"But now, tragedy has befallen our lovely Kingdom of Happyshine! Our beloved princess has fallen ill with the horrible sickness of death. The only thing that can save her is the combined blood of the eight Deathlords of the Dark Undercold. The Super Wizard Lords have chosen a champion to undertake this quest for us, to save our kingdom! I have a statement from the Elder Super Wizard council themselves! "Although he is young and still a trainee, Wolf Knight has the unique position of being expendable and not busy with more important tasks! Elder George, please start over on a new scroll and try to use more tact, this will be read to the public."”

“Elder George is an asshole.” Wolf Knight mumbled.

“You have no idea.” Lazer Gaiden replied, rolling his eyes. “But please refrain from speaking ill of the Elders within the tower.  You'll have a few days to prepare, but I want you to begin this quest this week."

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 5)

It's time for another Q&A session!  Hope everyone's ready!

It has come to my attention that the elders refuse to allow my dog to participate in the next naming ceremony. This is an egregious error on their parts, as Mister Fluffypants is smarter and stronger than any other candidate (what with the blood magic and all). This is clearly a case of anti-canine bigotry! And don’t you dare try to cover it up by telling me it’s some sort of rule written in those deceitful “books” you cling to. Written words lie! That being said, should I start a petition to overturn the elders’ decision, or should I just go straight to unleashing my other hounds?
-Rodeo Nova

Rodeo Nova, I've told you multiple times that I don't actually have any say in whether or not your dog can participate in the naming ceremony.  That is a matter for the Council.  I'm not sure how exactly you plan to go about making a petition, considering your...interesting feelings regarding the written word.  I would, however, advise against unleashing your hounds against the Council.  That seems like something they would strongly frown upon.

Come to think of it, where do you even keep those dogs?  Your quarters are not quite large enough for the sheer number of them that you apparently possess.  Some students and faculty have complained about the sounds of unearthly howling and barking.  There is, admittedly, some concern that your dogs may not be dogs at all.  Perhaps some sort of undog, or "underdogs" from the Dark Undercold.  Please check to ensure that your pets do not have rings that contain super power performance enhancers, that's the last thing we need around here.

That aside, you're more than welcome to bring the issue to the Council again, but I can't imagine their response will be any different this time.

As I per protocol, I was "wandering around" in the girl's dormitory, minding my own business, when I "accidentally" walked into "Space Slayer's" room. When I realized my "wandering" may land me in "detention", I "immediately" proceeded to leave the area so as to "not" incriminate myself, because Lord of the Dark Under-cold knows that I surely want to "follow the rules." Anyway, upon my "brief" and "swift" exit, I noticed "scribbling" about the "forbidden" west wing. This got me to wondering if there was an east wing, and if so, where might one find it?

Also, I "apologize" in advance for any "over use" of "air quotes". I recently began conducting my own "research" into the "matter" and appeared to have "forgotten" how to turn them "off".
-Lesser Evil

...Stunning.  Lesser Evil, we really need to have a very serious talk about your wanderings.  I simply cannot comprehend how you happened upon another student's room, and Space Slayer of all students.  For the sake of everyone in the tower and, quite possibly, the world, stay away from Space Slayer!  It's bad enough that she's been missing lately.  She needs to be found, but I promise that it would be best if anyone but you was the one to do so.

As for the East Wing, there's not really any reason for you to go there, or anyone for that matter. From what I understand, the east wing consists of various unused or abandoned offices.  I haven't visited it myself, I think there were plans to renovate the east wing into something useful, but the plans fell through for some reason.  I'm not surprised you haven't "happened across" them yet, as they are neither forbidden nor female-only, which seem to be the only areas you "accidentally" "happen across."

Also, getting stuck with air quotes is a fairly common condition.  You should be able to get that resolved with a quick visit to Doctor CoolRad.

Dear Lazer Gaiden,

Recent progress on the western front has exposed my recruits to noxious swamp gasses and many are falling ill. Crimson Bovine supply has been cut off. Are there any known field remedies for exposure? What's the best weapon to use when battling a small army of pint-sized undead former companions?

Regards, Sergeant Mercy Gorecrunch

Oh, MERCY Gorecrunch!  I apologize for the recent misconception regarding your status as a Super Wizard.

Running low on Crimson Bovine, eh?  That shouldn't be an issue, you should just be able to search around the swamp for vending machines.  Crimson Bovine puts vending machines in the most obscure places, so you shouldn't have to search too long for one.

As for undead former companions, you can also solve this issue with the first part of my answer.  It seems that almost every non-human entity has some sort of horrifying aversion to "Crimso Bovine" power beverage.  Undead in particular tend to burst into purple (sometimes green) flame when exposed to it.  Try it, it's fun!

That's all the time we have for today.  Have a great weekend, everyone!

What does a Super Wizard do?

Something that I get asked with relative frequency from outsiders is what the Super Wizard order actually does.  It's a fair question from some, as our influence is not felt everywhere.  The truth is that the Super Wizard order does a number of tasks in the world over.  We can mobilize all our forces into the might of an army when the situation calls for it, and Super Wizard seniors often undertake their own assignments (both solitary and with small groups).

Epic questing is a very important part of being a Super Wizard, and the final graduation from student to senior Super Wizard requires the completion of an epic quest.  These quests can be taken solitary or as a small group, and are given to students when the council feels that they're prepared.  Any rumors that this tactic is used to "gently discourage" students from continuing their education are ridiculous and no to be believed*.
*Unless the quest involves the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration or the Dark Undercold, obviously.

A common misconception is that the Super Wizards are Happyshine's military.  This is not the case, as Happyshine has it's own military.  As a general rule, we don't work against Happyshine (we live here, and that would probably be frowned upon), but the Super Wizards go where they're needed.  Whether it's finding ancient, lost relics of unimaginable power* or stopping overly ambitious dictators*** from rising to power, there will always be a Super Wizard to rise to the task.
*Wealth, of course, being the unimaginable** power in most of these cases.
**Unimaginable sometimes being much more imaginable in reality, it turns out.
***Do you remember General Supermurder?  No?  You're welcome.

The main adversaries of the Super Wizard order are the Evil Deathlords of the Dark Undercold, situated somewhere to the north of Happyshine.  This has been the case for as long as anyone can remember, possibly since the founding of the order.  It's been that way for so long that no Super Wizard truly remembers how it began, and we possess no way to communicate with those (probably) evil bastards even if we wanted to.

In the future, I'll be going over some of the more notable achievements of the order.  The first of this series will be coming next week.  See you all for Q&A tomorrow!

Meet the Staff (Part 3)

Hello everybody!  The search for the Tower basement continues, as I have yet to discover where the entrance is located.  I inquired about it with the Council, but was surprised to discover that they didn't know where the entrance was either.  Apparently they wanted me to discuss it so that they could figure out where it is, as "If we forgot about it for this long, it probably needs a pretty intense cleaning."  They raise a fair point, and who knows?  Maybe that's even the source of our IT infestations.  Or one of them, at least.

Let's get right into today's Meet the Staff!  Today I'll be introducing you to two of our more popular Elders, Elder Mary and Elder Steve!

Elder Mary:  Formerly the best, prettiest, and most well-liked of all the Elders who was also the youngest to become an Elder, and is also a princess from a lost and forgotten kingdom*.  Elder Mary was surpassed in at least some of these regards by Elder Fred.  I don't like to spread gossip, but I hear that this has caused her a considerable amount of angst.  Although I suppose it's not exactly gossip because no one broods and rages as well as Elder Mary, it turns out.  Elder Mary teaches Chosen Ones** essential skills, as well as the more general classes "How to Tolerate Magical Guide Companions" and "How to Navigate through Spontaneous Musical Numbers While Questing."
*According to her, we haven't been able to prove this as it's lost and forgotten.
**Note that Chosen One in this context refers to those chosen for epic quests, not descendants of chosen ones like Lesser Evil.

Elder Steve:  The Tower's very own lovable teacher of dark, blasphemous arts and grammar!  Elder Steve is much beloved by his students.  No one can quite say if they find more charm in his constant screaming of things like "I'll show you all what true power is!  You'll rue the day that you mocked Elder Steve!" or "I'll kill all of you!" or just simply hissing like he's some kind of vampire.  Everybody loves him, and he loves everyone just as much*!  Elder Steve's most popular class is "Black Magic and Sentence Structures," of course, but he also teaches valuable life skills like "Evil Fashion for Today's Modern World" and "How to Brood like a Master."  If you ever head to the Recreation and Quarantine wing only to find it closed, you can bet that it's probably because of one of Elder Steve's charmingly horrifying experiments!
*In his own way.

Tower Facilities (Part 3)

Hello everyone!  I hope you all had a great holiday!  With most of the students returning from family gatherings, both awkward and otherwise and all a little wider around the middle, let's get into learning more about Tower Facilities!

Also, yes, the Elders are aware of the distressing bond that has formed between Burning Mermaid and Rodeo Nova.  While the Council is incredibly concerned about these developments, student friendships aren't actually against any rules in the handbook*, so please stop putting in complaints.  The incidents will be handled on a first-come first-serve basis.
*Except for Space Slayer and Lesser Evil

The Recreation and Quarantine Wing:  While many might find this fact shocking in light of our top notch safety and medical regulations, accidents do happen at the Super Wizard Tower.  Whether it's minor infections, possibly contagious pathogens of questionable lethality created by questionable magic, or the accidental creation of a horrifying IT staff, we're equipped to handle almost everything in-house.  When not being used to contain overflowing sick or dying students*, the Recreation and Quarantine wing is a (mostly) decontaminated place for students and Senior Super Wizards alike to unwind!  You might even see the occasional Elder kicking back on their time off!  The room is well stocked with "Crimson Bovine" vending machines, a bunch of equipment presumably involved in Wizardball to some extent, tables and chairs, and even a stage for events and meetings**!  
*or hold back the undead failed experiments from Elder Steve's Black Magic and Sentence Structures class
**Please note that electric guitars should be used in the sparring arena, NOT on the stage. 

The Doomsday Repository:  While not technically part of the Tower these days*, the Doomsday Repository is where Doomsday Scribe stores all of the various end of the world prophecies that tend to pop up around the Tower and Super Wizards in general**.  Tradition requires these prophecies to be transcribed (if necessary), stored away, and promptly forgotten so that when/if they come to pass it doesn't ruin the surprise.
*The Repository was moved off-site to protect it from Rodeo Nova.
**Some prophecies have even been found in the Happyshine pawn shop.
 
The Tower Basement:  We have a basement?  Well...this is somewhat embarrassing...the Council requested that I mention the basement in this, but to be completely honest, I wasn't aware that the Tower HAD a basement.  That being said, I'm not sure where the door to the basement is located, or what secrets it hides.  Could be anything, I suppose.  Let me get back to you on this one.  Until next time, readers!

The West Wing:  
Edited by  on 1XXX at 6:03 PM

Doomsday Scribe Ad

Hello everyone.  The Council has request that I use this platform to signal boost the Doomsday Scribe ad they ran in the Happyshine newspapers, as they didn't receive any viable candidates.  A more traditional update will be coming tomorrow.

Help Wanted:  Doomsday Scribe

The Super Wizard Tower of Happyshine is searching for a new doomsday scribe, as out previous scribe has been discharged post humorously for violating his contract.  We offer employees a generous package of benefits.  Come and work at the most awesome place in all of Happyshine!

The Super Wizard Tower offers the following benefits:

• Competitive salary*
• IT Department(s) that are slightly less horrifying than standard
• On-site "Medical" staff
• Unique on-site dining facility
• Discount "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverages
• Lodging provided**
• A diverse group of peers and students to interact with every day!

The ideal candidate must:

• Be goal-oriented
• Possess good people skills
• Be comfortable with the crushing despair of a hopeless existence, with every day of their continued life being a vain defiance against incomprehensible forces of the universe
• Organizational skills are a plus!

If interested, contact the Super Wizard Council of Happyshine.

*As per tradition, Doomsday Scribes are paid in "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Horrifying Visions flavor and spite.

**Required

Student Highlights Week 1.5: Space Slayer

Hello students.  Before I get into the last of the student highlights, let me just officially announce that the "Crimson Bovine" incident from yesterday has been resolved.  Apparently, "Crimson Bovine" sent us the experimental Tropical Chaos flavor when we were supposed to get the Tropical Brain Freeze flavor.  While they have been unwilling to go into too much detail (trade secrets and all that), they have said that the symptoms experienced yesterday were caused by the highly experimental new 'Flavor Toxin.'  At low enough doses, the toxin is very safe.  In higher doses, however...well...mortal minds were not equipped to handle those levels of flavor.

"Crimson Bovine" has offered an official apology for the mix-up, along with a 4% off coupon for any "Crimson Bovine" products.  The Council has considered this fair compensation.

Name: Space Slayer

Sex: Female

Race: Space Prince

Hometown: Borington, The Forbidden Space Lagoon

Strengths: Strong potential candidate for Kung-Futhulhu, if she stops being distressed by the suggestion.  Space Slayer is also unusually resilient to kitchen duty which she receives frequently due to her unfortunate interest in forbidden places that do not exist.

Weaknesses: Honesty, tendency to stumble into places that are forbidden and/or do not exist, difficulty accepting complements (or really, any comments at all) regarding facial tentacles.

History: Space Slayer is our only resident student from The Forbidden Space Lagoon, a small town in the country of Borington.  Her parents wanted a better life for her, so they enrolled her into the Super Wizard tower*.  She passed the entrance exams and began her education at the tower.  Her parents, however, apparently never made it home.  Space Slayer's response to this was "They probably got lost or wandered outside the boundaries that govern reality.  It happens, they'll probably turn up in some timeline, hopefully this one."

*This was later revealed to be due to a paperwork mix-up.  Space Slayers parents aren't actually literate, and the postal workers of the world generally just assume letters that consist of a series of scribbles are for us**.

**They're usually correct.

Notes: Space Princes aren't actually royalty (Space Slayer's parents are actually farmers.).  It's said that the town was founded by a Super Wizard in their retirement, although there's no official records that make mention to this.  Either way, all residents of The Forbidden Space Lagoon call themselves Space Princes.

The Council has recommended keeping Space Slayer and Lesser Evil apart.  With Lesser Evil's strong tendency to get lost, and Space Slayer's equally strong tendency to end up in forbidden places that do not exist, the Council is concerned about their ability to contain the fallout such a pairing would cause.

It should be noted that the town of The Forbidden Space Lagoon no longer exists.  The council is unsure where it went, and this has caused some concern as the difficulty of moving entire towns is well documented (or was, before Rodeo Nova's book crusade.)  Most people in Borington seem confused when questioned about the town.  The residents have also vanished, leaving Space Slayer as the only remaining resident of The Forbidden Space Lagoon.  This has not seemed to phase her in any capacity.

"Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos EMERGENCY (addendum)

We have a statement from "Crimson Bovine" about the ongoing tower incident.

"Please note that "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos flavor is, like all flavors of "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage, completely safe.  We will be recalling the flavor for completely unrelated reasons.  Any reports of nausea, headaches, explosive homicidal rage, spontaneous human combustion, or feeling light-headed are almost definitely unrelated.  For those experiencing these symptoms, we recommend a refreshing "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage original flavor."

"Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos EMERGENCY

Message to students:  DO NOT CONSUME "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos flavor.  For students that have already consumed this beverage, please report to the Tower Recreational Facility/Quarantine wing!

Student Highlights Week 1.5: Wolf Knight

I hope everybody had a great weekend!  The student highlights last week were pretty successful, so I decided that today and tomorrow we'll have two more.  These were meant to go up over the weekend, but the rather unfortunate incident involving Rodeo Nova and Burning Mermaid and the Doomsday Scribe* required my attention to be elsewhere**.
*A proper service will be held for the Doomsday Scribe when they locate the remainder of the pieces.  The tower has a classifieds ad in the Happyshine Times for a new Doomsday Scribe, so if any doomsday prophecies come up until then, please follow the standard fallback process of hugging your knees and rocking gently back and forth.
**We're still trying to figure out what set off the terrifying chain of events, but from what we can tell it was something involving books, which makes sense for Rodeo Nova.  The current theory is that Burning Mermaid joined in because she thought it would be fun.  Doctor CoolRad will be offering limited edition "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Brain freeze for students looking to un-experience the weekend.

Name: Wolf Knight

Sex: Male

Race: Human(?)/Elder

Hometown: Happyshine/Super Wizard Tower

Strengths: Wolf Knight is exceptionally talented with Shovels (not the kind for digging), although he has an unfortunate habit of also using them for digging when he feels the situation calls for it (See below).  He also shows considerable promise at offensive brainpower abilities.

Weaknesses: Tainted by logic, corrupted by common sense.

History: Wolf Knight is one of the very few Super Wizard students who were born into the tower itself.  His father was none other than Elder Ted himself, and his mother is unknown.  Elder Ted always spent a considerable amount of time away from the Tower.  One day he just showed up with baby Wolf Knight and said he was his son.  He never spoke any further on it.

Wolf Knight grew up at the tower, and all of the Elders and senior Super Wizards helped to raise him during Elder Ted's frequent trips from the tower.  That he decided to pursue becoming a Super Wizard when he came of age was a surprise to no one.

Notes: It probably goes without saying that Wolf Knight was the most heavily affected by the Elder Ted incident.  Anyone else would have been removed from the Tower, but the Council are confident that he can be rehabilitated.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 4)

Hello everyone, welcome to this week's Q&A!  I've safely returned from my assignment and was pleased to find only an acceptable number of fires broke out in my absence.  Let's get right into this week's questions!

Can either the Irrational Techno-Wizardry or Infernal Techno-Wizardry departments change their names? Every device sent to the IT department for repairs comes back demonically possessed and/or weeping blood.
-Rodeo Nova

While I agree with you 100% on this, it is simply not possible.  The Council has refused to force the issue as they tend to avoid interaction with both departments as much as possible.  They're not just gross and weird, however, they're also notoriously difficult to locate.  The Council is not actually sure where their departments are located, which is a fact that a large number of people find to be immensely disturbing.  If they weren't so good at what they do with only a small number of student disappearances, the Council has stated they would consider hiring an exterminator.

As for devices that come back demonically possessed or weeping blood, you can usually solve those problems fairly quick with a generous application of "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage.  For whatever reason, demonic entities won't come anywhere near the stuff.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
-Lesser Evil

Unfathomable, is the answer to this one.  Sponges are the magic that keep the ocean from rising up against us, a seal on the great watery evil.  We keep trying to warn people about this, but they're just so gosh darn useful for personal hygiene that our warnings have gone unheeded.  If the sponge harvest is not put to an end, the world will reap a dark, watery whirlwind that no one may be able to stop.

This has set the Doomsday Scribe to gibbering and rocking back and forth while hugging his knees.  Well, it could be that or any other number of things.  Most folks tend to leave the Doomsday Scribe to his own devices, as he's a bit of a downer.

Just how rigorous is the acceptance process? Are there any skills that make some applicants more desirable than others such as insert something clever here?
-Steve

The difficulty of the acceptance process varies heavily on the current need for students.  Generally speaking, we don't take in students.  The Council is very focused on making money the well being of students, so we generally keep it average.  If the process is too rigorous, we end up with a lapse of students (see Burning Mermaid's student highlight).  If it's too loose, we end up with jackasses like Elder George who somehow also end up with leadership positions awesome elders who determine whether or not Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden gets his yearly bonus.
Edited by Elder George on 1XXX at 6:03 PM.

That aside, there are a number of things that are almost universally tested for regardless of the current difficulty of the entrance exams.  First off, the tower rarely accepts students over the age of 9.  The naming ceremony occurs at age 10, and very, very few exceptions are made to this rule lest we anger the founders buried under the stones of the tower basement*.  We also test for "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage tolerance.  Students who don't survive exposure to "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage** are generally not accepted into the tower.

The Council personally checks the the applicants for compatibility with various Super Wizard disciplines.  The exact metrics are known only to them, but the general theory is that if an applicant shows promise in at least one area of Super Wizard education, they're allowed enrollment.
*We have very little wish to awaken the Founders again.  The Happyshine Spirit Punchers are expensive and not on great terms with us after the last incident.
**Which is not to say that "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage unsafe in any way, of course.

Student Highlights Week 1: Lesser Evil

Name: Lesser Evil

Sex: Male

Race: Human, 1/13th chosen one (but who isn't?)

Hometown: The Planes of Abandonment

Strengths: Confusion, relationships with animals that aren't Weaponized Grizzly Bears.

Weaknesses: Proper Weaponized Grizzly Bear care, sense of direction, morality recognition.

History: As a baby, Lesser Evil was found wandering the Plains of Abandonment.*  His true parents are unknown and no record has been found of his birth**.  The traveler who found him, after a lengthy internal debate about whether or not to eat him***, traded him in at the Happyshine Pawn Shop for a croissant.   Always on the lookout for new blood for the Tower****, The Council decided to purchase him (And found some fashionable new robes while they were at it.)  I'm told that they got a good deal, as Lesser Evil was on sale at the time.

Since then, Lesser Evil has proved to be an above-average student at the tower.  His relationship with (most) animals is admirable, although the Tower Janitorial Ghost might disagree.  He also excels on the Happyshine Heretics as the team's Sprinting Sacker, or we're sure he will if we ever play a real game.

*A symbolic name.
**This information immediately set both the doomsday scribe and Elder Mary into an excited/terrified frenzy, so much so that they had to be sedated by another elder wielding Elder Fred.
***His words, not ours. 
****Figuratively, in this particular situation.

Notes: Lesser Evil was recently dismissed from rabies class as it was discovered he did not actually possess rabies, just a peculiar habit of foaming at the mouth when he's excited.  Or worried.  Or confused.

When asked why he didn't choose the name Greater Evil, he responded by narrowing his eyes and sternly saying "Because I don't play God, and neither should you."

Lesser Evil has a bad habit of getting lost*  and winding up in the ladies restroom.  He seems to be making a much, much more concerted effort to prevent this from occurring again after his recent educational encounter with Burning Mermaid.
*The Council is skeptical of this claim, but in the same breath, Lesser Evil takes getting lost to almost an art form.  The Council is considering asking him to teach a class on it after he graduates.  Debate on the matter is currently in limbo as one of the elders asked "Why?" and no one could come up with a suitable response.

Student Highlights Week 1: Rodeo Nova

Name: Rodeo Nova

Sex: Female

Race: Human-ish. Probably.

Hometown: Dim Underchilly

Strengths: Loves dogs, excels at the use of irate expressions and has been identified as a possible candidate for the X-52 giant robot*.
*Assuming it ever gets out of the shop.  The Council is dubious of Price-Gouger's claims that it needs a new muffler** and tires.
**The Council is relatively certain that giant robots do not use mufflers, but also admit that they are not mechanics and just because it doesn't and has never had a muffler doesn't mean that it's impossible for the muffler to break.

Weaknesses: Tendency to attack books and people who don't see loving dogs as a strength.

History: Rodeo Nova is one of the few students to come from Dim Underchilly, the last town before crossing over into the Dark Undercold. It was her dream to become a Super wizard from a very young age, but the town of Dim Underchilly is one torn between loyalty to the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold and to the Super Wizards of the Kingdom of Happyshine. With her parents being loyalists to the Deathlords, it seemed unlikely that they would allow her to become a Super Wizard, so she ran away to the Tower. She did exceptionally well on the entrance exams so she was accepted as a student.

Her parents have since demanded her return and that the Super Wizards "Be responsible for once in your stupid, stupid lives." The Council has been quoted as responding "Nah."

Rodeo Nova still visits her Dim Underchilly for awkward family holidays.

Notes: Rodeo Nova was the leader of the short-lived Super Wizard Book Club. We really should have looked at their slogan ("Beat the crap out of a good book") before approving the club*, but now there are no books in the library and student clubs are evaluated far more thoroughly before being approved.
*Our bad

Rodeo Nova strongly disagreed with the Tower's decision to disband her club, screaming about her 'Righteous crusade to end the tyranny of literature', ("Do they think they're better than us just because they're words on paper?!") but very soon after became distracted by the ten foot deep bottomless hole in the ladies restroom.

The origin of her intense hatred of the written word is unknown. Any attempt to bring it up has caused her such blind rage that has made even the most advanced Rabies students nervous.

Student Highlights Week 1: Turbo Thunder

Name: Turbo Thunder

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Hometown: Happyshine

Strengths: Turbo Thunder is the very model of what Super Wizards strive to be.  He's strong, kind, and incredibly knowledgeable* of the Super Wizard way.  As far as classes go, Turbo excels most in Ignorance and Archeomancy
*So to speak.

Weaknesses: Turbo can be, perhaps, a bit too eager and excitable.  There's never been someone who's excelled so much at Ignorance, with all the benefits and...challenges that entails.  Also, the Elders have noted that while Turbo does very well with most of the martial disciplines, he seems somewhat hesitant to use them outside of training.

History: Turbo is one of the students that was born in Happyshine and spent his early childhood in the shadow of the Tower.  As soon as he was old enough, he begged his parents to let him take the Super Wizard entrance tests, and he passed with flying colors.  Since then, he has continued this trend throughout his entire career at the tower, and has even been asked to assist in tutoring students.  He has spent the past two years as team captain of the Happyshine Heretics* and has led the team to their many victories by default.
*The Council of Elders acknowledges that Turbo, like everyone else, does not actually know how to play Wizardball.  Elder Mary has been quoted as saying "The top performer in a school is always captain of the sports team as well.  That's obviously just how things work."

Notes: Turbo was one of the students that enrolled in Elder Ted's class, but it seems to have been the first class on record that went completely over his head.  He seems to have an admirable innate resistance to logic in any form, and because of this the Council decided to make he and Wolf Knight* Room mates**.  While the success of this has been debatable, it would seem that the two of them have formed a friendship***.

Turbo has been mentioned in one or two Doomsday prophecies, but really, who hasn't in this day and age?

*Wolf Knight has been the most deeply effected by the Elder Ted incident.
**One member of the council expressed concern about Wolf Knight's logic rubbing off on Turbo in spite of his resistance.  They say you can still hear some members of the council laughing to this day.
***Of sorts.  Wolf Knight has yet to attack Turbo, which is more than can be said for Elder Pierre****.
****The Tower, of course, wishes Elder Pierre a quick recovery and hopes that he enjoys his paid vacation so much that he decides to forgo his litigation threats.