Meet the Staff (Part 3)

Hello everybody!  The search for the Tower basement continues, as I have yet to discover where the entrance is located.  I inquired about it with the Council, but was surprised to discover that they didn't know where the entrance was either.  Apparently they wanted me to discuss it so that they could figure out where it is, as "If we forgot about it for this long, it probably needs a pretty intense cleaning."  They raise a fair point, and who knows?  Maybe that's even the source of our IT infestations.  Or one of them, at least.

Let's get right into today's Meet the Staff!  Today I'll be introducing you to two of our more popular Elders, Elder Mary and Elder Steve!

Elder Mary:  Formerly the best, prettiest, and most well-liked of all the Elders who was also the youngest to become an Elder, and is also a princess from a lost and forgotten kingdom*.  Elder Mary was surpassed in at least some of these regards by Elder Fred.  I don't like to spread gossip, but I hear that this has caused her a considerable amount of angst.  Although I suppose it's not exactly gossip because no one broods and rages as well as Elder Mary, it turns out.  Elder Mary teaches Chosen Ones** essential skills, as well as the more general classes "How to Tolerate Magical Guide Companions" and "How to Navigate through Spontaneous Musical Numbers While Questing."
*According to her, we haven't been able to prove this as it's lost and forgotten.
**Note that Chosen One in this context refers to those chosen for epic quests, not descendants of chosen ones like Lesser Evil.

Elder Steve:  The Tower's very own lovable teacher of dark, blasphemous arts and grammar!  Elder Steve is much beloved by his students.  No one can quite say if they find more charm in his constant screaming of things like "I'll show you all what true power is!  You'll rue the day that you mocked Elder Steve!" or "I'll kill all of you!" or just simply hissing like he's some kind of vampire.  Everybody loves him, and he loves everyone just as much*!  Elder Steve's most popular class is "Black Magic and Sentence Structures," of course, but he also teaches valuable life skills like "Evil Fashion for Today's Modern World" and "How to Brood like a Master."  If you ever head to the Recreation and Quarantine wing only to find it closed, you can bet that it's probably because of one of Elder Steve's charmingly horrifying experiments!
*In his own way.

Tower Facilities (Part 3)

Hello everyone!  I hope you all had a great holiday!  With most of the students returning from family gatherings, both awkward and otherwise and all a little wider around the middle, let's get into learning more about Tower Facilities!

Also, yes, the Elders are aware of the distressing bond that has formed between Burning Mermaid and Rodeo Nova.  While the Council is incredibly concerned about these developments, student friendships aren't actually against any rules in the handbook*, so please stop putting in complaints.  The incidents will be handled on a first-come first-serve basis.
*Except for Space Slayer and Lesser Evil

The Recreation and Quarantine Wing:  While many might find this fact shocking in light of our top notch safety and medical regulations, accidents do happen at the Super Wizard Tower.  Whether it's minor infections, possibly contagious pathogens of questionable lethality created by questionable magic, or the accidental creation of a horrifying IT staff, we're equipped to handle almost everything in-house.  When not being used to contain overflowing sick or dying students*, the Recreation and Quarantine wing is a (mostly) decontaminated place for students and Senior Super Wizards alike to unwind!  You might even see the occasional Elder kicking back on their time off!  The room is well stocked with "Crimson Bovine" vending machines, a bunch of equipment presumably involved in Wizardball to some extent, tables and chairs, and even a stage for events and meetings**!  
*or hold back the undead failed experiments from Elder Steve's Black Magic and Sentence Structures class
**Please note that electric guitars should be used in the sparring arena, NOT on the stage. 

The Doomsday Repository:  While not technically part of the Tower these days*, the Doomsday Repository is where Doomsday Scribe stores all of the various end of the world prophecies that tend to pop up around the Tower and Super Wizards in general**.  Tradition requires these prophecies to be transcribed (if necessary), stored away, and promptly forgotten so that when/if they come to pass it doesn't ruin the surprise.
*The Repository was moved off-site to protect it from Rodeo Nova.
**Some prophecies have even been found in the Happyshine pawn shop.
 
The Tower Basement:  We have a basement?  Well...this is somewhat embarrassing...the Council requested that I mention the basement in this, but to be completely honest, I wasn't aware that the Tower HAD a basement.  That being said, I'm not sure where the door to the basement is located, or what secrets it hides.  Could be anything, I suppose.  Let me get back to you on this one.  Until next time, readers!

The West Wing:  
Edited by  on 1XXX at 6:03 PM

Doomsday Scribe Ad

Hello everyone.  The Council has request that I use this platform to signal boost the Doomsday Scribe ad they ran in the Happyshine newspapers, as they didn't receive any viable candidates.  A more traditional update will be coming tomorrow.

Help Wanted:  Doomsday Scribe

The Super Wizard Tower of Happyshine is searching for a new doomsday scribe, as out previous scribe has been discharged post humorously for violating his contract.  We offer employees a generous package of benefits.  Come and work at the most awesome place in all of Happyshine!

The Super Wizard Tower offers the following benefits:

• Competitive salary*
• IT Department(s) that are slightly less horrifying than standard
• On-site "Medical" staff
• Unique on-site dining facility
• Discount "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverages
• Lodging provided**
• A diverse group of peers and students to interact with every day!

The ideal candidate must:

• Be goal-oriented
• Possess good people skills
• Be comfortable with the crushing despair of a hopeless existence, with every day of their continued life being a vain defiance against incomprehensible forces of the universe
• Organizational skills are a plus!

If interested, contact the Super Wizard Council of Happyshine.

*As per tradition, Doomsday Scribes are paid in "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Horrifying Visions flavor and spite.

**Required

Student Highlights Week 1.5: Space Slayer

Hello students.  Before I get into the last of the student highlights, let me just officially announce that the "Crimson Bovine" incident from yesterday has been resolved.  Apparently, "Crimson Bovine" sent us the experimental Tropical Chaos flavor when we were supposed to get the Tropical Brain Freeze flavor.  While they have been unwilling to go into too much detail (trade secrets and all that), they have said that the symptoms experienced yesterday were caused by the highly experimental new 'Flavor Toxin.'  At low enough doses, the toxin is very safe.  In higher doses, however...well...mortal minds were not equipped to handle those levels of flavor.

"Crimson Bovine" has offered an official apology for the mix-up, along with a 4% off coupon for any "Crimson Bovine" products.  The Council has considered this fair compensation.

Name: Space Slayer

Sex: Female

Race: Space Prince

Hometown: Borington, The Forbidden Space Lagoon

Strengths: Strong potential candidate for Kung-Futhulhu, if she stops being distressed by the suggestion.  Space Slayer is also unusually resilient to kitchen duty which she receives frequently due to her unfortunate interest in forbidden places that do not exist.

Weaknesses: Honesty, tendency to stumble into places that are forbidden and/or do not exist, difficulty accepting complements (or really, any comments at all) regarding facial tentacles.

History: Space Slayer is our only resident student from The Forbidden Space Lagoon, a small town in the country of Borington.  Her parents wanted a better life for her, so they enrolled her into the Super Wizard tower*.  She passed the entrance exams and began her education at the tower.  Her parents, however, apparently never made it home.  Space Slayer's response to this was "They probably got lost or wandered outside the boundaries that govern reality.  It happens, they'll probably turn up in some timeline, hopefully this one."

*This was later revealed to be due to a paperwork mix-up.  Space Slayers parents aren't actually literate, and the postal workers of the world generally just assume letters that consist of a series of scribbles are for us**.

**They're usually correct.

Notes: Space Princes aren't actually royalty (Space Slayer's parents are actually farmers.).  It's said that the town was founded by a Super Wizard in their retirement, although there's no official records that make mention to this.  Either way, all residents of The Forbidden Space Lagoon call themselves Space Princes.

The Council has recommended keeping Space Slayer and Lesser Evil apart.  With Lesser Evil's strong tendency to get lost, and Space Slayer's equally strong tendency to end up in forbidden places that do not exist, the Council is concerned about their ability to contain the fallout such a pairing would cause.

It should be noted that the town of The Forbidden Space Lagoon no longer exists.  The council is unsure where it went, and this has caused some concern as the difficulty of moving entire towns is well documented (or was, before Rodeo Nova's book crusade.)  Most people in Borington seem confused when questioned about the town.  The residents have also vanished, leaving Space Slayer as the only remaining resident of The Forbidden Space Lagoon.  This has not seemed to phase her in any capacity.

"Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos EMERGENCY (addendum)

We have a statement from "Crimson Bovine" about the ongoing tower incident.

"Please note that "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos flavor is, like all flavors of "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage, completely safe.  We will be recalling the flavor for completely unrelated reasons.  Any reports of nausea, headaches, explosive homicidal rage, spontaneous human combustion, or feeling light-headed are almost definitely unrelated.  For those experiencing these symptoms, we recommend a refreshing "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage original flavor."

"Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos EMERGENCY

Message to students:  DO NOT CONSUME "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Chaos flavor.  For students that have already consumed this beverage, please report to the Tower Recreational Facility/Quarantine wing!

Student Highlights Week 1.5: Wolf Knight

I hope everybody had a great weekend!  The student highlights last week were pretty successful, so I decided that today and tomorrow we'll have two more.  These were meant to go up over the weekend, but the rather unfortunate incident involving Rodeo Nova and Burning Mermaid and the Doomsday Scribe* required my attention to be elsewhere**.
*A proper service will be held for the Doomsday Scribe when they locate the remainder of the pieces.  The tower has a classifieds ad in the Happyshine Times for a new Doomsday Scribe, so if any doomsday prophecies come up until then, please follow the standard fallback process of hugging your knees and rocking gently back and forth.
**We're still trying to figure out what set off the terrifying chain of events, but from what we can tell it was something involving books, which makes sense for Rodeo Nova.  The current theory is that Burning Mermaid joined in because she thought it would be fun.  Doctor CoolRad will be offering limited edition "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage Tropical Brain freeze for students looking to un-experience the weekend.

Name: Wolf Knight

Sex: Male

Race: Human(?)/Elder

Hometown: Happyshine/Super Wizard Tower

Strengths: Wolf Knight is exceptionally talented with Shovels (not the kind for digging), although he has an unfortunate habit of also using them for digging when he feels the situation calls for it (See below).  He also shows considerable promise at offensive brainpower abilities.

Weaknesses: Tainted by logic, corrupted by common sense.

History: Wolf Knight is one of the very few Super Wizard students who were born into the tower itself.  His father was none other than Elder Ted himself, and his mother is unknown.  Elder Ted always spent a considerable amount of time away from the Tower.  One day he just showed up with baby Wolf Knight and said he was his son.  He never spoke any further on it.

Wolf Knight grew up at the tower, and all of the Elders and senior Super Wizards helped to raise him during Elder Ted's frequent trips from the tower.  That he decided to pursue becoming a Super Wizard when he came of age was a surprise to no one.

Notes: It probably goes without saying that Wolf Knight was the most heavily affected by the Elder Ted incident.  Anyone else would have been removed from the Tower, but the Council are confident that he can be rehabilitated.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 4)

Hello everyone, welcome to this week's Q&A!  I've safely returned from my assignment and was pleased to find only an acceptable number of fires broke out in my absence.  Let's get right into this week's questions!

Can either the Irrational Techno-Wizardry or Infernal Techno-Wizardry departments change their names? Every device sent to the IT department for repairs comes back demonically possessed and/or weeping blood.
-Rodeo Nova

While I agree with you 100% on this, it is simply not possible.  The Council has refused to force the issue as they tend to avoid interaction with both departments as much as possible.  They're not just gross and weird, however, they're also notoriously difficult to locate.  The Council is not actually sure where their departments are located, which is a fact that a large number of people find to be immensely disturbing.  If they weren't so good at what they do with only a small number of student disappearances, the Council has stated they would consider hiring an exterminator.

As for devices that come back demonically possessed or weeping blood, you can usually solve those problems fairly quick with a generous application of "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage.  For whatever reason, demonic entities won't come anywhere near the stuff.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
-Lesser Evil

Unfathomable, is the answer to this one.  Sponges are the magic that keep the ocean from rising up against us, a seal on the great watery evil.  We keep trying to warn people about this, but they're just so gosh darn useful for personal hygiene that our warnings have gone unheeded.  If the sponge harvest is not put to an end, the world will reap a dark, watery whirlwind that no one may be able to stop.

This has set the Doomsday Scribe to gibbering and rocking back and forth while hugging his knees.  Well, it could be that or any other number of things.  Most folks tend to leave the Doomsday Scribe to his own devices, as he's a bit of a downer.

Just how rigorous is the acceptance process? Are there any skills that make some applicants more desirable than others such as insert something clever here?
-Steve

The difficulty of the acceptance process varies heavily on the current need for students.  Generally speaking, we don't take in students.  The Council is very focused on making money the well being of students, so we generally keep it average.  If the process is too rigorous, we end up with a lapse of students (see Burning Mermaid's student highlight).  If it's too loose, we end up with jackasses like Elder George who somehow also end up with leadership positions awesome elders who determine whether or not Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden gets his yearly bonus.
Edited by Elder George on 1XXX at 6:03 PM.

That aside, there are a number of things that are almost universally tested for regardless of the current difficulty of the entrance exams.  First off, the tower rarely accepts students over the age of 9.  The naming ceremony occurs at age 10, and very, very few exceptions are made to this rule lest we anger the founders buried under the stones of the tower basement*.  We also test for "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage tolerance.  Students who don't survive exposure to "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage** are generally not accepted into the tower.

The Council personally checks the the applicants for compatibility with various Super Wizard disciplines.  The exact metrics are known only to them, but the general theory is that if an applicant shows promise in at least one area of Super Wizard education, they're allowed enrollment.
*We have very little wish to awaken the Founders again.  The Happyshine Spirit Punchers are expensive and not on great terms with us after the last incident.
**Which is not to say that "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage unsafe in any way, of course.

Student Highlights Week 1: Lesser Evil

Name: Lesser Evil

Sex: Male

Race: Human, 1/13th chosen one (but who isn't?)

Hometown: The Planes of Abandonment

Strengths: Confusion, relationships with animals that aren't Weaponized Grizzly Bears.

Weaknesses: Proper Weaponized Grizzly Bear care, sense of direction, morality recognition.

History: As a baby, Lesser Evil was found wandering the Plains of Abandonment.*  His true parents are unknown and no record has been found of his birth**.  The traveler who found him, after a lengthy internal debate about whether or not to eat him***, traded him in at the Happyshine Pawn Shop for a croissant.   Always on the lookout for new blood for the Tower****, The Council decided to purchase him (And found some fashionable new robes while they were at it.)  I'm told that they got a good deal, as Lesser Evil was on sale at the time.

Since then, Lesser Evil has proved to be an above-average student at the tower.  His relationship with (most) animals is admirable, although the Tower Janitorial Ghost might disagree.  He also excels on the Happyshine Heretics as the team's Sprinting Sacker, or we're sure he will if we ever play a real game.

*A symbolic name.
**This information immediately set both the doomsday scribe and Elder Mary into an excited/terrified frenzy, so much so that they had to be sedated by another elder wielding Elder Fred.
***His words, not ours. 
****Figuratively, in this particular situation.

Notes: Lesser Evil was recently dismissed from rabies class as it was discovered he did not actually possess rabies, just a peculiar habit of foaming at the mouth when he's excited.  Or worried.  Or confused.

When asked why he didn't choose the name Greater Evil, he responded by narrowing his eyes and sternly saying "Because I don't play God, and neither should you."

Lesser Evil has a bad habit of getting lost*  and winding up in the ladies restroom.  He seems to be making a much, much more concerted effort to prevent this from occurring again after his recent educational encounter with Burning Mermaid.
*The Council is skeptical of this claim, but in the same breath, Lesser Evil takes getting lost to almost an art form.  The Council is considering asking him to teach a class on it after he graduates.  Debate on the matter is currently in limbo as one of the elders asked "Why?" and no one could come up with a suitable response.

Student Highlights Week 1: Rodeo Nova

Name: Rodeo Nova

Sex: Female

Race: Human-ish. Probably.

Hometown: Dim Underchilly

Strengths: Loves dogs, excels at the use of irate expressions and has been identified as a possible candidate for the X-52 giant robot*.
*Assuming it ever gets out of the shop.  The Council is dubious of Price-Gouger's claims that it needs a new muffler** and tires.
**The Council is relatively certain that giant robots do not use mufflers, but also admit that they are not mechanics and just because it doesn't and has never had a muffler doesn't mean that it's impossible for the muffler to break.

Weaknesses: Tendency to attack books and people who don't see loving dogs as a strength.

History: Rodeo Nova is one of the few students to come from Dim Underchilly, the last town before crossing over into the Dark Undercold. It was her dream to become a Super wizard from a very young age, but the town of Dim Underchilly is one torn between loyalty to the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold and to the Super Wizards of the Kingdom of Happyshine. With her parents being loyalists to the Deathlords, it seemed unlikely that they would allow her to become a Super Wizard, so she ran away to the Tower. She did exceptionally well on the entrance exams so she was accepted as a student.

Her parents have since demanded her return and that the Super Wizards "Be responsible for once in your stupid, stupid lives." The Council has been quoted as responding "Nah."

Rodeo Nova still visits her Dim Underchilly for awkward family holidays.

Notes: Rodeo Nova was the leader of the short-lived Super Wizard Book Club. We really should have looked at their slogan ("Beat the crap out of a good book") before approving the club*, but now there are no books in the library and student clubs are evaluated far more thoroughly before being approved.
*Our bad

Rodeo Nova strongly disagreed with the Tower's decision to disband her club, screaming about her 'Righteous crusade to end the tyranny of literature', ("Do they think they're better than us just because they're words on paper?!") but very soon after became distracted by the ten foot deep bottomless hole in the ladies restroom.

The origin of her intense hatred of the written word is unknown. Any attempt to bring it up has caused her such blind rage that has made even the most advanced Rabies students nervous.

Student Highlights Week 1: Turbo Thunder

Name: Turbo Thunder

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Hometown: Happyshine

Strengths: Turbo Thunder is the very model of what Super Wizards strive to be.  He's strong, kind, and incredibly knowledgeable* of the Super Wizard way.  As far as classes go, Turbo excels most in Ignorance and Archeomancy
*So to speak.

Weaknesses: Turbo can be, perhaps, a bit too eager and excitable.  There's never been someone who's excelled so much at Ignorance, with all the benefits and...challenges that entails.  Also, the Elders have noted that while Turbo does very well with most of the martial disciplines, he seems somewhat hesitant to use them outside of training.

History: Turbo is one of the students that was born in Happyshine and spent his early childhood in the shadow of the Tower.  As soon as he was old enough, he begged his parents to let him take the Super Wizard entrance tests, and he passed with flying colors.  Since then, he has continued this trend throughout his entire career at the tower, and has even been asked to assist in tutoring students.  He has spent the past two years as team captain of the Happyshine Heretics* and has led the team to their many victories by default.
*The Council of Elders acknowledges that Turbo, like everyone else, does not actually know how to play Wizardball.  Elder Mary has been quoted as saying "The top performer in a school is always captain of the sports team as well.  That's obviously just how things work."

Notes: Turbo was one of the students that enrolled in Elder Ted's class, but it seems to have been the first class on record that went completely over his head.  He seems to have an admirable innate resistance to logic in any form, and because of this the Council decided to make he and Wolf Knight* Room mates**.  While the success of this has been debatable, it would seem that the two of them have formed a friendship***.

Turbo has been mentioned in one or two Doomsday prophecies, but really, who hasn't in this day and age?

*Wolf Knight has been the most deeply effected by the Elder Ted incident.
**One member of the council expressed concern about Wolf Knight's logic rubbing off on Turbo in spite of his resistance.  They say you can still hear some members of the council laughing to this day.
***Of sorts.  Wolf Knight has yet to attack Turbo, which is more than can be said for Elder Pierre****.
****The Tower, of course, wishes Elder Pierre a quick recovery and hopes that he enjoys his paid vacation so much that he decides to forgo his litigation threats.

Student Highlights Week 1: Burning Mermaid

Hello everyone!  I hope that all of you had a pleasant weekend.  I've been assigned a field mission, so we're doing something different this week. I've chosen four students upon which to do a highlight.  We'll be looking at one of them each day this week until Friday, at which point I should have returned in time to do the weekly Q&A.  Let's kick things off with our first student highlight!

Name:  Burning Mermaid

Sex:  Female

Race:  Literally a demon

Hometown:  Guess

Strengths:  Burning Mermaid has shown extraordinary promise in all (Non-Excessive Force)Super Wizard martial disciplines except for one.  She's considered a Violenceomancy prodigy, but has staunchly refused to even consider rabies training.  When asked, she has been quoted as saying "Rabies is not a weapon, it is a disease.  If you try and ask me to take your "class" again, I will make you suffer in 97 different ways that your flimsy mortal minds cannot even comprehend."  After lengthy* discussion, the council has unanimously decided not to push the issue.
*About 3 minutes

Weaknesses:  Restraint, mercy, people skills.

History:  Burning Mermaid's origins date back to a fairly dark time in the history of the Super Wizard Tower.  Most of the senior Super Wizards had met their untimely demise at Elder George's 'Try and scale the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration' contest*, Student enrollment was at an all-time low and Happyshine was threatening to kick us out because of inability to pay taxes.  The council decided a fun and healthy way to increase student enrollment was to summon new students from the infernal realms (or their parents) and try and convince them to enroll (or enroll their children.)  Most laughed it off, but one of the summoned demons said that they had a daughter and would consider enrollment when she came of age and the time was right.
*Elder George was sternly chastised for this and did not suggest it again until at least a month later.

Soon after, there was an influx of normal students and the summoning experiment was all but forgotten for years.  It was a dark night in which the moon ran red with actual blood.  The sealed doors to the kitchen were flung open and Burning Mermaid (8 years old) emerged in a cloud of hate and brimstone carrying a pink lunchbox and a completed enrollment form.

The year she took the naming ritual is significant in that she was the only survivor.  The ritual overseer for the ritual that year has suggested keeping Burning Mermaid away from "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage at all costs in between wailing "I have seen the end!  We can't stop it, we can only slow it down!  Whatever you do, don't-"  Etc, etc.  He was referred to the tower Doomsday Scribe to write down his various warnings along with the rest of them*.
*And then immediately forget about them, as is the custom.

Notes:  Burning Mermaid is supposedly one of the students affected by the fallout of the Elder Ted incident.  While her psychopathic tendencies make it so that nobody has been quite willing to find out for sure, some theorize that she's on the same level as Wolf Knight.  Others argue that she's always been like that, and still others have suggested she shouldn't even be at the tower shortly before their unfortunate disappearances.  Most don't suggest anything regarding Burning Mermaid anymore.

Burning Mermaid was not intended to have a student highlight, and certainly not intended to be the first, but threatened extreme violence if she was not was clearly the best option.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 3)

Another week has come and gone, students.  Through the ups and the downs, the easy and the hard, the dark and the light, we survive to live another week.

Most of us, at least.  Not the students that "graduated" Rabies training.  Let's get on to this week's questions!

Completely unrelated to uh, the west wing...but at what point should you panic when you start to grow tentacles.... On your face?
-Space Slayer

I'm beginning to suspect you're not being completely honest with me, Space Slayer.

There's a reason some things are forbidden, a reason why you shouldn't gaze into the abyss, to look upon the secrets in the darkness. There are some secrets that you can't high-five away, that even overdosing on "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage can't make you forget*. Secrets that change you.
*Assuming "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage was dangerous in any way or had life-long consequences, which it does not, of course.

On the up side, you can probably qualify to take kung futhulhu now.

Recently, there's been a startling amount of processed meat wrapped in provocative advertisements showing up with my daily student messages. Are there ways to stop these deliveries? My room is starting to smell pretty rank.
-Rodeo Nova

I've been advised by The Tower's IT (Irrational Techno-Wizardry) department that they're currently attempting to update the Processed Meat Filter shields. Please try opening and closing the door to your room several times. Just be careful not to do it while they're around, as the members of the Tower's IT department tend to skitter along the walls and ceiling like insects and hiss at light sources. Some students find this to be startling and/or unsettling.

Since my recent enrollment into Rabies, I've been having dreams lately around the coming of the destroyer. The dreams are vivid at best with the destroyer being an averaged height orange troll, with yellow hair and white eyes. What was most terrifying was not that he was the destroyer, far from it, but by how in awe his minions were over his disproportionately sized hands. He also smelled like cabbage. As for my question, what are next week's lunch specials? I think the cabbage from earlier this week hasn't been settling very well with me.
-Lesser Evil

Hello, Lesser Evil. As you should well know, cabbage is a deception, and the consumption of it can cause vivid cabbage-induced dreams. These dreams can reveal certain truths within the psyche of the dreamer, however. I know a thing or two about cabbage dream interpretation, and I think the big take-away from your dream is that you have a severe fear of limbs. Doctor CoolRad can probably help you with that, if you're interested.

As for the lunch special, I don't believe Dr. Expendable Esq. has released the menu for next week yet. Last I heard he was running down the halls grabbing staff and students alike by their robes, and screaming ingredient lists at them. He may be reaching the end of his tenure.

How is what?
-The Nuclear Toaster

This is a question that has troubled every generation of Super Wizard and Elder alike since the founding of the Super Wizard tower itself. The answer is said to lie somewhere in the Dark Undercold, but the Deathlords have declined to comment on this.

I suppose I should also mention that we don't really know how to communicate with the Deathlords. When asking questions, the elders go to the nearest window and scream their questions into the sky, but this hasn't actually resulted in the questions being answered as of yet. We suspect they're ignoring us.

With regard to disemboweling live targets, is there any practical classes I can take to refine my technique prior to our next deployment? Current targets don't spend long enough screaming in agony.
-Sergeant Gorecrunch

I...don't actually recognize your name, or see you on any of the rosters.  I'm also not sure why you submitted your question what I can only hope is...fleshier than average paper and red ink.

Upon closer inspection, it appears that this question was intended for someone in the Dark Undercold to answer.  Seems as though I'll need to have a conversation with our postal workers.  I think we have a new guy on the job after the old one had some sort of unfortunate disemboweling incident.  One of the risks our brave postal workers take every day.

Isn't it against some sort of rule to post a class transcript and publicly humiliate students?
-Wolf Knight

Super Wizards don't have rules, Wolf Knight. Only students do.

Problem Students

The Super Wizard Tower is generally a very productive learning environment. We have our own challenges, but they're usually pretty manageable. The Elder Ted incident, however, has left us with some...unique challenges. Let's sit in on one of Elder Jack's classes.

*****


“As the sun set, I saw the silhouette of five figures playing wicked metal at the edge of the cliff. They wore Viking helmets and shred on axes that were also literal axes. All five of them were mounted on unicorns. Black unicorns. Black unicorns that were also motorcycles. The motorcycles were magical, of course, because anything else would be silly. ...Yes, Wolf Knight?”

“Yes, thank you sir. What’s a motorcycle?”
“It’s...like a horse with wheels instead of legs.”
“Wouldn’t that just be a cart?”
“No, it has two wheels, not four.”
“That seems silly. How would you carry anything on that?”
“You would...listen, it’s just something you ride.”
“What do you feed it?”
“What do you...it’s not a living thing, boy.”
“Do you pull it with a horse then? That seems like it would defeat the purpose. Why not just ride a horse? And how would you keep it from falling over?”
“It’s faster than a horse, but it’s a skill you need to learn. And it’s self-propelled.”
“By magic?”
“...sure, yes. By magic. Now please sit down and let me continue.”

“A rainbow suddenly formed and spread across the landscape, but it was an evil rainbow. Blood rained down from it and stained anywhere it touched. ...Yes, Wolf Knight?”

“Yes sir, thank you. How can a rainbow be evil?”
“Because it’s raining blood. That’s a pretty clear cut way to tell if a rainbow is evil or not.”
“Are you sure it’s evil? Maybe it’s just wounded.”
“Rainbows can’t be wounded, Wolf Knight. That’s ridiculous. Please try and take this class seriously"
“Right, of course sir.”

“My eyes were drawn to a volcano, where two barbarians were locked in mortal combat. One look at their rippling muscles told me that either of them could probably crush my head like a grape just by flexing.”

“An impossibly huge, clawed red hand emerged from the volcano and grasped the side. Very soon, the head of a dragon angel with a terrifying halo and more teeth than I could count followed. The two barbarians paused their combat and their eyes met, a momentary truce formed without words. The two men rushed the beast as the wicked metal music swelled, but both were reduced to bloody smears at the edge of the volcano with a single crack of the dragon angel's barbed tail.”
 
“The dragon fixed its gaze on me, and the destroyer of civilizations and heroes far greater than I chuckled. “So, Super Wizard!” It barked, in a voice that caused the very earth to rumble. “Do you still feel so-*sigh* What, Wolf Knight? What problem do you have now?”

“Yes, thank you sir. What the hell is a dragon angel?”
“It’s a being that’s part dragon and part angel, obviously.”
“Sir, I don’t think the word obviously really fits here. How, logistically speaking, would a dragon and an angel produce offspring?”
“I try very hard not to think of such things, boy.”
“Also, do angels actually exist? I mean, dragons clearly do, but angels? Doesn’t that sort of prove the existence of -”
“Not covered in this class, Wolf Knight. Maybe you should look into Elder Jeff’s “Which Religious Entities are Real, and which of those are Awesome to Fight?” class next semester. Now please sit down.” Elder Jack let out a weary sigh as the bell rang. “I guess that’s the end of class. We’ll continue the lesson of “How to head-lock a dragon angel” next time."

Meet the T-Shirt Trolls

If you've spent any time at all in the gift shop and cafe reception area, you've probably noticed that the staff aren't exactly human.  The gift shop and cafe reception area is staffed entirely by the T-Shirt Trolls, a sub-race of the troll species that is uniquely gifted in the creation of T-shirts*.  The trolls were hired by the Tower after their former place of employment, 'The Bargain Brigand, was shut down.  It turned out they were literally robbing their customers**.* The reasons for this are not entirely known.  The trolls themselves will mournfully explain that it's a curse of some sort, but the story is incredibly boring and no one's stayed awake long enough to hear the whole thing.
**Happyshine authorities were quoted as saying "We probably should have suspected something amiss by the name of the business, or the folks turning up at our office saying "Please help! I was literally robbed at Bargain Brigand!."  Our bad."

Tools of the Trade (Part 2)

Today we'll be discussing part 2 in our ongoing examination of the many and varied tools of the Super Wizard occupation.  I'll also be touching on some of the Excessive Force weapons.

Miscellaneous tools

"Crimson Bovine" Diet Power Beverage:  Although not nearly as popular as the regular beverage, the "Crimson Bovine" Diet Power Beverage is an important backup to keep around.  The healing properties of the diet variant are not quite as strong, but it can be used by those who can't or won't have the sweeter natural version.  For some super wizards, losing a few fingers is an acceptable trade to staying on their diet!
Half the calories, all the flavor*, twice the carcinogens!  Partially non-toxic.
*Admittedly, this stuff tastes awful.

Box of Happyshine Happiness:  As suggested by its name, the primary export of the city of Happyshine is happiness.  It, of course, has a vast number of uses for the average person and Super Wizard alike! 
DANGER:  HIGHLY TOXIC AND FLAMMABLE!  KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND ADULTS!  Gluten-free.

Weapons

Weaponized Grizzly Bears:  Use your imagination.
Comes with a honey-back guarantee.  Keep away from picnic baskets.

Excessive Force Weaponry

The Super Wizard Tower has access to a number of special weapons that are only used for specific situations.  Training for these weapons is typically not made available to students until post-graduation.

X-52 Giant Robot:  Upgrade from X51 giant robot.  No longer requires combination of five smaller tiger robots.  For the solitary galactic hero.  Equipped with scream-activated weaponry and red paint job to increase speed.
The X-52 Giant Robot is currently in for repairs* at the local Happyshine repair shop "Price-Gougers." As they're mostly used to repair carts, it's expected to take a while.
*Turns out the X-52 Giant Robot does not accept "Crimson Bovine" Diet Power Beverage as a fuel source, only the regular kind.

Orbital Satellite Beam: I've mentioned this one in passing. The Orbital Satellite beam is a piece of ancient, magic technology in orbit around the planet. By speaking the magic incantation and pressing a correct combination of keys on an enchanted tablet, the Orbital Satellite beam can be positioned and let loose a devastating stream of magical energy at a target.
Note: Use of the Orbital Satellite Beam is NOT to be practiced indoors in the Sparing Arena. This is a mistake that is never to be repeated a second time.

Gaze into the single, unblinking eye of the angel of death. Or don't, because it fires giant lasers.

Tower Facilities (Part 2)

I hope that everybody who survived Saturday's poetry slam had a great weekend!  I'm sure that the physical, mental, and emotional scars will heal with time.  Let's not waste any time getting into today's entry, lest we reopen the previously mentioned scars (which I do not wish to do as I have used all of my allotted therapy cards for the year).  Today we'll be discussing more of the facilities you'll find in the Super Wizard Tower.

The Sparring Arena:  I'll be brief about this one so to not reopen scars completely unrelated to poetry slams.  The Tower had a full sparring arena where students can safely practice combat skills that they've learned.  The walls are reinforced, there's plenty of emergency Crimson Bovine supplies, and there are sniper balconies near the top of the room on both sides.  Snipers on one side have tranquilizer darts, while those on the other side have crossbows.  It's important to learn which side does what.
IMPORTANT NOTE:  THE SPARRING ARENA DOES NOT, HAS NEVER, AND NEVER WILL STOCK LIVE TARGETS.

The Gift Shop and Cafe Reception Area:  The Tower maintains a small area near the entrance for the public to visit.  This area contains a small gift shop and cafe.  With the kitchen being...whatever it is, many students attempt to get their food here.  This is not advised, however, because the cafe only sells more of the 'I Heart Happyshine' and 'I'd Super Wizard that in a heartbeat!'* shirts that never sell.  More importantly, the reception area is here.  Most students are enrolled through the reception area, with the exception of the rare student that was summoned from the infernal realms during low enrollment periods.
*The Royal Beard has not been permitted to suggest shirt designs since this.

The Elder Floors:  As you've all no doubt noticed, there are a number of floors that are off limits to all but the Elders.  What exactly is kept up there is unknown, whispered about by the students and full Super Wizards alike.  Rumors are that you can find anything from forbidden weapons, records and tomes detailing the hidden origins of the Super Wizard order, and even some rumors of prisons.  If you're around one of the gateways to the Elder floors, sometimes you can hear low, pained moans, or sounds that nothing human could possibly make.

My guess is that they have a ping pong table and a private fridge up there and don't want to share.

The Naming Room:  The Naming Room is a very special room that has a single purpose and is only used once a year for the Naming Ceremony.  The Super Wizard Naming ceremony is a sacred tradition that has been maintained for as long as anyone can remember.  In the middle of the year, all of the students who have turned ten years of age are given six (6) Crimson Bovine Power Beverages to consume and are sealed within the Naming Room for ten minutes.  When released at the height of their Crimson Bovine fervor, they will choose the name that they will wear for the rest of their Super Wizarding career.  The room itself has walls adorned with scenes of battle, explosions, and dragons.  It also bears the scratches and dents from many generations of super wizard trainees.  Most students do not suffer lasting injury from this ceremony*.
*The same cannot be said of those present when the Naming Room is reopened, but it's a risk they take as Super Wizards.  Their supreme, boundless courage from the act of drawing the short straw will never be forgotten.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 2)

After the great response to the Q&A last week, I've decided to make this a recurring segment on Fridays.  It's a great way to end the week, and answer the pressing questions that so many of you have about the Tower.

What would happen if somebody...erm...went into the West Wing.  By accident!  Asking for a friend!
-Space Slayer

The West Wing does not exist.  Those who enter the West Wing will be assigned mandatory kitchen duty.

Does the tower even stock shovels for digging?  Cause sometimes you need to bury a body...I mean, dig holes.
-Rodeo Nova

No, the Tower doesn't actually stock shovels for digging purposes, although you can surely find one in Happyshine.  If you're interested, the Super Wizard Tower also has an agreement with the Happyshine "Totally Legit" Vocational School (Down at the Docks branch) that allows our students to take non-credit courses.  Enrolling is easy!  All you need to do is go to warehouse 35, knock on the door five times and then whisper to the nearby barrel "If wishes were stars, the hours would walk."  The barrel is not always in the same location, but it is always there.  The barrel is always there.  If the barrel is not there, you must run.  Run as fast as you can, leave this place behind you, and above all, do NOT look back.

Once you get in, I think the class you're looking for is "Digging holes for fun, profit, and evidence disposal."

How deep is the bottomless pit in the ladies restroom?
-Lesser Evil

It's about 10 feet deep.  On a related note, Lesser Evil, please stay out of the ladies restroom.  There have been complaints, and the "I got lost" excuse will only work so many times.  The tower is only slightly non-euclidean and you should really be familiar with the layout by now.

How has the Super Wizard Tower gone this long without realizing that rabies is a dangerous disease, and not a magical weapon?
-Wolf Knight

My, what an interesting and completely unpredictable question.

Will we at least get partial credit for Abstract Art classes?  Elder [NAME DELETED] bent himself across all timelines in the middle of the semester.
-Throat-Punch Ballet

Unfortunately no.  All material even tangentially related to Elder [NAME DELETED]'s classes* have been shredded, incinerated, loaded into an iron cannonball blessed by the Eight Priests of Happyshine, and catapulted into the Dark Undercold.  And then blasted a few times with the Super Wizard orbital satellite beam.
*Elder Russel, teacher of the Interpretive Dance classes, will be remembered fondly.  Not for the panicked dances that no one understood before being loaded into the cannonball, but for all the other dances that nobody understood.

When will the Tower start stocking the sparring arena with live targets again?
-Burning Mermaid

There...never were live targets in the sparring arena...

On that note, I suddenly have a very urgent matter to look into.  I hope you all have a good weekend.

The Elder Ted Incident/ The Forbidden Arts

While they are rare, controversies and scandals are not unheard of within the Super Wizard Tower.  Some are considered worse than others, although for obvious reasons we strive to not have any at all.  The controversies are usually about students getting hurt by not properly following rules, people complaining about the 100% mortality rate of the brave Rabies users, budget cuts that have prevented us from staffing a real doctor or properly stocking the library, the standard problems that I'm sure exist everywhere.

Controversies within the Council of Elders, however, are practically unheard of.  There exists only one example, and it occurred a few years ago.  Even years later, we're still dealing with the consequences of what we refer to as the Elder Ted incident.

I've touched on forbidden weaponry and knowledge on previous entries.  There are a number of things considered too dangerous for Super Wizard use, for a number of reasons.  Abstract Art and Interpretive Dance (just to be safe) are the most well-known of the forbidden arts, as their danger* has been well demonstrated by the very nature of Elder [NAME DELETED].    There are many other forbidden arts, and we strive to keep the students and staff safe from them and the damage that they cause.**

One of the most dangerous of the forbidden arts is Logic, and this has been the case since the founding of the Super Wizard order.

We're not sure how it happened, specifically.  Elder Ted was one of the more prominent Elders, but a few months preceding the incident, he had begun taking more and more time away from the Tower.  Where he was going and what he was doing are still being researched to this day, but it has been determined that Elder Ted was using the dark forces of Logic to cover his tracks.

Elder Ted eventually returned to the tower, and established a new class.  He was a fairly popular Elder and had been gone for some time, so there was a rush of students who signed up for his class.  The class ran for several weeks before the Council of Elders noticed the sinister truth behind his 'Common Sense and Critical Thinking' class.  He had been secretly***  teaching students Logic.

For the first time in history, the Council of Elders unanimously decided to banish one of their own to the Dark Undercold.  Some of the students were more effected than others, but rehabilitation efforts are ongoing.


*At least in the case of Abstract Art.  There are those who are attempting to reinstate Interpretive Dance as a Super Wizard art, but it's unlikely to happen anytime soon (if at all)
**An exception to this is, of course, Faerie Law.  The Tower staffs a lawyer/cook versed in Faerie Law/culinary arts (rotated out every year and a day as their knowledge of cooking drives them mad, of course) to advise us on kitchen-related matters and to prevent further angering of the Fae.
***Admittedly, it wasn't a very good secret.  A class called 'Common Sense and Critical Thinking' should have been a red flag to someone.  That's partly on us.

Formal Apology

In response to the threat of losing my yearly bonus or being forced to take over Elder Jack's kitchen-related duties, I wish to offer a formal apology to The Royal Beard in response to the previous post.  The Royal Beard is truly the best at all of the many Royal Beard tasks that I'm assured absolutely exist and can only be performed by the Royal Beard.

Super Wizard Disciplines: Brainpower (Part 1)

As I mentioned in the introductory entry, Super Wizards have incredible, awe-inspiring, god-like powers at their immediate disposal.  However, I only touched on some of the very basics.  We've barely scratched the surface of what the Super Wizards are capable of, and while Violenceomancy is certainly a very important part, it is by far not the only part.

Today we'll discuss one particular area of focus.  Some would call this area psychic abilities, others would call it the arte of the mind, but we at the Super Wizard Tower use a much more refined name for these abilities: Brainpower

Brainpower Abilities

Brainpower Jacket:  While Happyshine is a beautiful and peaceful place, the same cannot be said of the outside world.  From the Dark Undercold, to the Cliffs of Inconceivable Frustration, to the Desert of Sorrow*, the world can be a harsh and dangerous place.  Because of this, one of the basic Brainpowers that all Super Wizards are taught is that of the Brainpower Jacket.  Using the incredible power of their mind, the Super Wizard bends the very forces of realty, of creation itself, and turns it into a jacket** to protect them from the elements.  The jacket can be made a few degrees hotter or colder than the environment at the whim of the user.
*As it is a depressing hassle to travel across, the Council of Elders is currently in the process of researching whether or not the Desert of Sorrow can be slain.
**Brainpower Jackets are not very fashionable.


Ignorance:  While Super Wizards will branch out into various specialties as they get older and more advanced, all of them are taught a certain number of basic abilities.  Ignorance is, perhaps, the most important of these abilities.  The effectiveness of Brainpower offensive abilities depends only partly on the offensive capabilities of the user.  The other part is directly related to the abilities of their opponent.  Ignorance teaches the Super Wizard to lower their Brainpower*, which has the effect of protecting them and (in the case of an advanced user) even damage their attacker.  A full-fledged Super Wizard will often find themselves adapting an Ignorance defense when needed without even realizing it.
*Overuse of Ignorance is not recommended, as the facade may blend with reality.  This unfortunately tends to result in idiots being given positions of power**.
**Royal Bearded idiots.


Brainpower Zap:  Up until now, I've only discussed defensive or passive Brainpower disciplines.  Offensive Brainpower abilities do exist, but they're not considered basic abilities.  For students that choose pursue Brainpower, the Brainpower Zap is one of the first offensive abilities that they learn.  The crux of Brainpower Zap is that the Super Wizard summons the power of their substantial mind and thrusts it at their opponent*.  The process of doing this is, however, painful to the user as well as the target.  It's an imperfect ability designed to teach students to think before they fight, rather than having practical use.
*A common misconception that students seem to have about this is that it does not mean to literally thrust your brain at your target.  This is commonly called a headbutt, a name which Advanced Ignorance students never cease to find hilarious.

Tower Happenings Tuesday (Part 1)

Hello everyone.  Welcome to the first episode of Tower Happenings Tuesday.  The Council of Elders has requested that I take today to go over a few upcoming events that are going to be happening over the next week at the tower.  This won't be an every Tuesday occurrence, but the Council has said they may request this again in the future to advise students and staff of important occurrences.

Tuesday (Today):   Today will be the big Wizardball game of our very own Happyshine Heretics versus the Undercold Ukuleles.  However, as the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold have never actually shown up to a game of Wizardball (nor acknowledge the existence of Wizardball), today is expected to be a fairly quiet day.  Rumor has it that the Heretics are already making plans to expand their substantial trophy cabinet.  Additional rumors that the Heretics no longer know how to play Wizardball or remember the rules because of lack of competition are very likely mostly false.  Arguments that no one ever knew how to play Wizardball based on the fact that there has never actually been a real game of Wizardball are completely unfounded.

Wednesday:  On Wednesday there will be a fire drill.  As always, students and staff are required to wait patiently as the flames are lit, and then test their reflexes and problem-solving skills as they attempt to escape the tower.  Points will be awarded for style*.  Students that fail the fire drill will be given disappointed looks while they recover from any potential burns in the Infirmary.  Staff that fail the fire drill may be ineligible for their yearly bonuses.  Good luck!
*In the event of a real fire, style points are, of course, not factored into student scores or staff bonus considerations.

Thursday:  On Thursday will be the clean-up day from the previously mentioned fire drill.  Students who failed will be required to help in the event that they are not disabled from crippling burns.  Students disabled from crippling burns will be given additional disappointed looks.

Friday:  While students are in classes, the dorms will be investigated for bed bugs.  This is simply a routine check, as there have been no recent report of bed bugs.
FRIENDLY REMINDER:  If you come across a bed has insectile legs, do not sleep on it no matter how comfortable it looks!

Saturday:  Elder Fred and The Library Viking will be holding a poetry slam in the library on Saturday.  Students are encouraged to participate, but cautioned (as always) to not be too abstract.  The Happyshine "Totally Legit" Vocational School (Down at the Docks branch) has volunteered to send several trainee thugs who will be happy to violently subdue any student in danger of going too abstract or too long or of poor quality.

Sunday:  All students must go to the West Wing.  There is Wisdom in the West Wing.  Sunday will be a free day!  Don't forget that it's free ice cream day in Happyshine!
Edited by on 1XXX at 6:01 PM
Edited by Lazer_Gaiden on 1XXX at 6:03 PM

Monday:  Monday is catch-up day!  Any students who need assistance in any of their classes can arrange a meeting with the Elders and see about catching up, taking some extra credit, or retaking lessons.  Retaking the fire drill is NOT allowed.  This will not be changed no matter how many of you ask about it, and if it continues to be an issue, students that continue to ask will be given yet more disappointed looks.

Let's make it a great week at the Super Wizard Tower!