Another week has come and gone, students. Through the ups and the downs, the easy and the hard, the dark and the light, we survive to live another week.
Most of us, at least. Not the students that "graduated" Rabies training. Let's get on to this week's questions!
Completely unrelated to uh, the west wing...but at what point should you panic when you start to grow tentacles.... On your face?
-Space Slayer
I'm beginning to suspect you're not being completely honest with me, Space Slayer.
There's a reason some things are forbidden, a reason why you shouldn't gaze into the abyss, to look upon the secrets in the darkness. There are some secrets that you can't high-five away, that even overdosing on "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage can't make you forget*. Secrets that change you.
*Assuming "Crimson Bovine" Power Beverage was dangerous in any way or had life-long consequences, which it does not, of course.
On the up side, you can probably qualify to take kung futhulhu now.
Recently, there's been a startling amount of processed meat wrapped in provocative advertisements showing up with my daily student messages. Are there ways to stop these deliveries? My room is starting to smell pretty rank.
-Rodeo Nova
I've been advised by The Tower's IT (Irrational Techno-Wizardry) department that they're currently attempting to update the Processed Meat Filter shields. Please try opening and closing the door to your room several times. Just be careful not to do it while they're around, as the members of the Tower's IT department tend to skitter along the walls and ceiling like insects and hiss at light sources. Some students find this to be startling and/or unsettling.
Since my recent enrollment into Rabies, I've been having dreams lately around the coming of the destroyer. The dreams are vivid at best with the destroyer being an averaged height orange troll, with yellow hair and white eyes. What was most terrifying was not that he was the destroyer, far from it, but by how in awe his minions were over his disproportionately sized hands. He also smelled like cabbage. As for my question, what are next week's lunch specials? I think the cabbage from earlier this week hasn't been settling very well with me.
-Lesser Evil
Hello, Lesser Evil. As you should well know, cabbage is a deception, and the consumption of it can cause vivid cabbage-induced dreams. These dreams can reveal certain truths within the psyche of the dreamer, however. I know a thing or two about cabbage dream interpretation, and I think the big take-away from your dream is that you have a severe fear of limbs. Doctor CoolRad can probably help you with that, if you're interested.
As for the lunch special, I don't believe Dr. Expendable Esq. has released the menu for next week yet. Last I heard he was running down the halls grabbing staff and students alike by their robes, and screaming ingredient lists at them. He may be reaching the end of his tenure.
How is what?
-The Nuclear Toaster
This is a question that has troubled every generation of Super Wizard and Elder alike since the founding of the Super Wizard tower itself. The answer is said to lie somewhere in the Dark Undercold, but the Deathlords have declined to comment on this.
I suppose I should also mention that we don't really know how to communicate with the Deathlords. When asking questions, the elders go to the nearest window and scream their questions into the sky, but this hasn't actually resulted in the questions being answered as of yet. We suspect they're ignoring us.
With regard to disemboweling live targets, is there any practical classes I can take to refine my technique prior to our next deployment? Current targets don't spend long enough screaming in agony.
-Sergeant Gorecrunch
I...don't actually recognize your name, or see you on any of the rosters. I'm also not sure why you submitted your question what I can only hope is...fleshier than average paper and red ink.
Upon closer inspection, it appears that this question was intended for someone in the Dark Undercold to answer. Seems as though I'll need to have a conversation with our postal workers. I think we have a new guy on the job after the old one had some sort of unfortunate disemboweling incident. One of the risks our brave postal workers take every day.
Isn't it against some sort of rule to post a class transcript and publicly humiliate students?
-Wolf Knight
Super Wizards don't have rules, Wolf Knight. Only students do.
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