Problem Students

The Super Wizard Tower is generally a very productive learning environment. We have our own challenges, but they're usually pretty manageable. The Elder Ted incident, however, has left us with some...unique challenges. Let's sit in on one of Elder Jack's classes.

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“As the sun set, I saw the silhouette of five figures playing wicked metal at the edge of the cliff. They wore Viking helmets and shred on axes that were also literal axes. All five of them were mounted on unicorns. Black unicorns. Black unicorns that were also motorcycles. The motorcycles were magical, of course, because anything else would be silly. ...Yes, Wolf Knight?”

“Yes, thank you sir. What’s a motorcycle?”
“It’s...like a horse with wheels instead of legs.”
“Wouldn’t that just be a cart?”
“No, it has two wheels, not four.”
“That seems silly. How would you carry anything on that?”
“You would...listen, it’s just something you ride.”
“What do you feed it?”
“What do you...it’s not a living thing, boy.”
“Do you pull it with a horse then? That seems like it would defeat the purpose. Why not just ride a horse? And how would you keep it from falling over?”
“It’s faster than a horse, but it’s a skill you need to learn. And it’s self-propelled.”
“By magic?”
“...sure, yes. By magic. Now please sit down and let me continue.”

“A rainbow suddenly formed and spread across the landscape, but it was an evil rainbow. Blood rained down from it and stained anywhere it touched. ...Yes, Wolf Knight?”

“Yes sir, thank you. How can a rainbow be evil?”
“Because it’s raining blood. That’s a pretty clear cut way to tell if a rainbow is evil or not.”
“Are you sure it’s evil? Maybe it’s just wounded.”
“Rainbows can’t be wounded, Wolf Knight. That’s ridiculous. Please try and take this class seriously"
“Right, of course sir.”

“My eyes were drawn to a volcano, where two barbarians were locked in mortal combat. One look at their rippling muscles told me that either of them could probably crush my head like a grape just by flexing.”

“An impossibly huge, clawed red hand emerged from the volcano and grasped the side. Very soon, the head of a dragon angel with a terrifying halo and more teeth than I could count followed. The two barbarians paused their combat and their eyes met, a momentary truce formed without words. The two men rushed the beast as the wicked metal music swelled, but both were reduced to bloody smears at the edge of the volcano with a single crack of the dragon angel's barbed tail.”
 
“The dragon fixed its gaze on me, and the destroyer of civilizations and heroes far greater than I chuckled. “So, Super Wizard!” It barked, in a voice that caused the very earth to rumble. “Do you still feel so-*sigh* What, Wolf Knight? What problem do you have now?”

“Yes, thank you sir. What the hell is a dragon angel?”
“It’s a being that’s part dragon and part angel, obviously.”
“Sir, I don’t think the word obviously really fits here. How, logistically speaking, would a dragon and an angel produce offspring?”
“I try very hard not to think of such things, boy.”
“Also, do angels actually exist? I mean, dragons clearly do, but angels? Doesn’t that sort of prove the existence of -”
“Not covered in this class, Wolf Knight. Maybe you should look into Elder Jeff’s “Which Religious Entities are Real, and which of those are Awesome to Fight?” class next semester. Now please sit down.” Elder Jack let out a weary sigh as the bell rang. “I guess that’s the end of class. We’ll continue the lesson of “How to head-lock a dragon angel” next time."