Hazards of Happyshine (Part 1)

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here once more with a new and exciting series!  In this one, we'll be discussing various hazards found around Happyshine.  This stuff doesn't really fit the mold of a bestiary, so I decided to give them their own series.  This will usually include various flora and anomalies.  The stuff we'll talk about in this series will range from inconvenient to outright deadly.

Mary Sumac
Danger Level:  Varies
Type of Hazard: Flora
Where to find them: Around other kinds of plants
How to recognize them:  Mary Sumac is known to grow among various other kinds of plants.  It's easily distinguishable for being bigger, more vibrant, and growing faster than any of the plants around it.
Description:  Mary Sumac is a type of semi-dangerous plant that is relatively common around Happyshine.  It's considered poisonous, but rather than having any physical effects it causes a great deal of swelling of one's sense of importance.  This is temporary, but it can lead to the victim doing some pretty stupid stuff until it works its way out of their system.  That being said, the plant itself is not considered very dangerous, but it can be the cause of the victim putting themselves in dangerous situation.
How to deal with them:  Avoid, do not handle without protection.  Can also be removed by someone skilled in Combat Composition.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Allergic reactions to Mary Sumac have been known to extend the effects for unknown periods of time.  Not even the council is immune to this possibility, as witnessed by our very own Elder Mary.  It's a good thing our very own Elder Mary is the best at being immune to things in addition to being the prettiest and wisest Elder at the Tower!

Edited by Elder Mary on 1XXX at 5:03 PM

Boom Flowers
Danger Level: High
Type of Hazard: Flora
Where to find them: Usually anywhere you don't want to find them
How to Recognize them: Boom flowers are large and round and brightly colored in reds and oranges.
Description:  Ho boy, where to begin with these things.  Boom Flowers are an invasive species from...somewhere.  We're not really sure where, but we're pretty sure that it qualifies as a war crime.  These flowers produce and store a highly explosive and volatile nectar.  This would be bad enough on its own, but they also have a nasty habit of turning bees into boom bees.  Bees are awesome.  I love bees.  Know what I don't love?  Explosive bees.

How to deal with them:  Avoid, and contact authorities in Happyshine as soon as possible.  Boom Flowers are one of the very few species of flora or fauna that we make an active and concerted effort to kill off whenever and as much as possible.

Plot Holes
Danger Level:  Wildly varies
Type of Hazard: anomaly
Where to find them: Around the novice Combat Composition classrooms, sometimes out in the wild.
How to Recognize them: This is a bit tricky, as they're difficult to distinguish from regular holes.
Description:  Plot holes are one of the more confusing hazards to deal with.  They tend to show up around untrained users of Combat Composition, but they occur naturally in the wild through unknown means.  You really don't want to fall into one of these things, as they can cause all sorts of weirdness to happen.  You could fall into one and then suddenly you're married and have a child, and the spouse and child are both yourself.
How to deal with them:  A safe bet is to not jump into holes you find.  We've found that this is also good advice for regular holes, so it's win-win. If they show up in an area where holes are probably not supposed to be and/or are inconvenient to be, it might be in your best interest to find someone skilled in Combat Composition to deal with them.  Make sure the person knows what they're doing, however, because this can sometimes make the holes worse.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:  I probably shouldn't really be talking about this, but rumors say that the Tower's West Wing [TEXT REMOVED]

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 5)

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here with another bestiary update!  I'm also working on an additional series that will be about various non-beast entities and dangers around Happyshine.

Void Hounds
Danger Level:  Unspeakable
Where to find them:  Ancient dead cities, dark corners of the earth, the Super Wizard Tower Kitchen, or in the company of Rodeo Nova*.
Description:  Void hounds can only very loosely be referred to as dogs.  Their actual appearances (assuming others look like the only one we've seen) are huge, amorphous masses of dog-like protrusions, including tails and heads.  Often surrounded by gibbering cultists.
How to deal with them:  To be honest, we only recently confirmed that Void hounds exist during the Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny war.  As much as I hate to admit it, the only reliable way we have of dealing with them are to get Rodeo Nova.  The one we've seen caused untold destruction, but it's unclear whether this was done maliciously or if the monstrosity is, in fact, just another (horrifying) sort of dog.  Rodeo Nova claims "All dogs and dog-like things require my love, even the eldritch ones."
*Magistrate Snugglebutt the Unspeakable.


Carnivorous Happiness Flies
Danger Level:  High
Where to find them:  Near Happyshine Happiness industrial waste disposal facilities
Description:  As most know, Happiness is the primary export of Happyshine, and we produce a lot of it.  The extreme levels of toxicity in the production (not to mention the finished product) is lethal to most living beings, but standard house flies seem to have a defense of sorts to this.  Instead of killing them, it causes them to mutate into the horrific Carnivorous Happiness Flies.  One of them is dangerous enough, but they usually swarm.
How to deal with them:  As a general rule, Happiness Flies don't stray too far from happiness waste disposal facilities.  Studies regarding the creatures have been few and far between because of how dangerous they are, but prevailing theories are that once the mutation occurs, they need the waste or something in the waste for continued survival.  That being said, improvements have long since been made to hazardous happiness suits to add protection against fly attacks.  Unless you have a job handling happiness, you'll probably never run into these creatures.  As part of the their safety requirements, most companies that produce Happyshine Happiness are required to staff Happiness Fly exterminators, but you know how corporations can be.

Evil Rainbows
Danger Level:  Most of the time, none, but they are pretty creepy
Where to find them:  After evil rain.
Description:  Few things are as horrifying as evil rainbows*, those colorful bands of light that rain blood onto the land below them.  Contrary to popular belief, however, the raining blood is actually a trick of the light**.
How to deal with them:  In most cases, your best best is to just look the other way.  Unless the evil rainbow is also a vampire, but they're not very common.
*Not to be confused with Rainbow Evil, the popular Happyshine cartoon character
**In most cases

Student Highlight: Blood Rainbow

Name: Blood Rainbow

Sex:  Female

Race: Sorrow-born

Hometown: The Kingdom of Sorrow*
*For those of you that don't know, yes, this is connected to the Desert of Sorrow.  We'll talk about this in a future entry.

Strengths:  As one of the few Sorrow-born students, Blood Rainbow is exceptionally skilled in the art of Combat Composition with a specialty in Goth Poetry.  She's being scouted by the Spooker Wizard faction as a potential recruit.

Weaknesses:  Not very fun at parties.

History:  Blood Rainbow is, as mentioned above, a Sorrow-born from the Kingdom of Sorrow.  Please don't ask where Sorrow-born come from, the process and result are very depressing.  Most Sorrow-born don't actually leave the Kingdom of Sorrow, and the kingdom itself doesn't get many visitors.

Blood Rainbow was recruited the same day she was almost banned from Happyshine in something they refer to as The Blood Rainbow Incident.  Actual eye-witness accounts are somewhat few and far between, but the stories go that she wandered into a town as though in a daze (As she has a habit of doing) and anyone within earshot became cripplingly depressed.  The Council (correctly) theorized that she had a great deal of natural potential in Combat Composition, but a somewhat limited ability to control it.  They took her in and she's been here ever since.

A few question marks remain regarding her history, however.  No one is really sure how or why she ended up in Happyshine.  She doesn't like to talk about her home, and to be frank, the Kingdom of Sorrow is usually avoided by most people.  She hasn't expressed any real desire to go back home, and no one's come looking for her either, so she's found a home at the tower.

Notes:  Because of the incident and the massive disruption it caused, Blood Rainbow has a partial ban from Happyshine.  She's permitted to attend lessons at the Tower, but has been forbidden to go out into town without an escort to ensure she keeps her substantial ability to depress others in check.

It should be noted that Blood Rainbow has some sort of immunity or resistance to Crimson Bovine.  "Doctor" CoolRad has theorized that the beverage is having some sort of effect on her, but the results of Crimson Bovine consumption by Sorrow-born has not been extensively studied*.  This being said, Blood Rainbow is one of the very few exceptions of the student body allowed to leave the Tower for "real" medical treatment in case of emergencies.**
*The request of the good "Doctor" to use Blood Rainbow as a guinea pig was denied by the medical board of Happyshine, along with the usual threats of litigation that he added to his collection.
**With an escort, as mentioned above.

Blood Rainbow has an unfortunate habit of wandering aimlessly through the halls, sometimes silently, sometimes reciting her poetry.  If she's doing the later, students are advised to keep their distance.  Someday we hope to impress upon her to keep her abilities under control, but for the time being, we don't need to overwhelm the Tower Counselor anymore than he already is.

Deathlord Frank (Part 2)

"No!  For the last time, horsepower doesn't actually mean horses, you dense child!"

"Hey, that hurts."

"I don't care!  Just answer the Torp-damned riddle and get the hell out of my cave!"

"So...how many horses do these train things have?"

Deathlord Frank let out a strangled scream, reaching his hands out as though to strangle Turbo Thunder before letting them drop to his side.  "HORSEPOWER!  DOESN'T!  MEAN!  HORSES!"

"So how much longer do you think this is going to go on?"  Wolf Knight asked Burning Mermaid.

"Too long."  Burning Mermaid replied.  She wandered over to Deathlord Frank's desk and started shuffling through it.  Deathlord Frank was much too distracted by Turbo's argument to notice.

"So more horses means more speed, right?  That doesn't seem right.  That seems like you'd get the same speed, just more, you know, horses."

"WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?!"  Deathlord Frank shrieked.  "IT'S JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR ENGINE POWER."

"What's an engine?"

Burning Mermaid gently pushed Turbo Thunder to the side.

"Please tell me you're less of an idiot than your friend."  Deathlord Frank said, holding his hands to his temples.

"Mhmm."  Burning Mermaid replied, with a nod.

"Great, perfect, let's get this over with."  Deathlord Frank took a deep breath and regained his composure.  "Okay, so...if a train leaves the Kingdom of Happyshine-"

Burning Mermaid abruptly lunged forward and slammed a letter opener into Deathlord Frank's face.  Deathlord Frank shrieked and his body deformed and dissolved into his robe and onto the ground in a puddle of Deathlord goo.  She then walked over to the robe and rifled through it, pulling out a small vial of blood.  "Look, I solved the riddle."  She said, showing the vial to Wolf Knight and Turbo Thunder, who had moved as far from her as possible.

"That's....g-great."  Wolf Knight said.  "G-good job."

Deathlord Frank (Part 1)

"Mwehehe!  You and your friends have proven your strength and your skill by reaching this place-"

"I mean...not really.  It's a pretty easy walk."  Wolf Knight interjected.

"Yeah, I think the Dark Undercold's infrastructure is actually better than Happyshine's, really."  Burning Mermaid chimed in.

"...But now we will test your mind!"  Deathlord Frank continued, ignoring them.

"Do you think he didn't hear us?"  Turbo Thunder asked.

"I'm pretty sure he's rehearsed this so much that he doesn't know how to improvise."  Wolf Knight replied, with a shrug.

"Silence!  I will now begin my riddle!"  Deathlord Frank shrieked.  "If a train leaves the Kingdom of Happyshine going 100 miles per hour towards this cavern, and another train leaves this cavern to Happyshine at 50 miles per hour, where will they crash?"  He finished his riddle and looked at them smugly as Wolf Knight and his companions exchanged glances.  "Ah-ha!  I have stumped you!"

"...What's a train?"  Turbo Thunder asked.

"What?"

"A train.  What is it?"

"What do you mean, what's a train?"

"I figured the question was pretty self-explanatory."

"It's like...a big metal transportation device."

"How does it move?"

"It's powered by fuel."

"What fuel?"

"You know, like coal."

"Okay.  How does it decide where to go?"

"It doesn't decide anything, it's a vehicle."

"Like a horse?"

"Um...sort of?"

"But a horse can decide where to go if it doesn't have a rider."

"It's not alive!"

"So it's like a cart?  Is it pulled by horses?"

"No!  It's propelled by fuel and a driver who directs it down rails!"

"What are rails?"

Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid stared at the two of them as they went back and forth.

"Is this what it's like to be in a class with me?"  Wolf Knight asked.

"Pretty much."  Burning Mermaid replied.

"Geez...no wonder the council hates me."  He muttered.

Crossing The Border

“Turbo, what the hell are you doing?”  Wolf Knight asked, as Turbo Thunder dove and rolled back and forth on the path in front of them.

“I’m practicing my Wizardball moves!”  He replied, without stopping his diving.

“...No one knows how to play Wizardball, Turbo.  It's not actually a game."

“See that?  That's why you didn't make the team.  I need to be ready if they ever figure it out.”

"I didn't make the team because I didn't try out for the team.  Because the team doesn't do anything."

"If that's the case, how do you explain all the trophies we have?"

"The Council bought them from the Wizardball Trophy store in Happyshine, Turbo.  And all the wins are defaults anyway."

The two of them stopped their argument as they approached a wooden structure that crossed the road and ran off in either direction as far as they could see.

"Is that a fence?"  Burning Mermaid asked.

"It seems that way."  Wolf Knight replied.  The poorly constructed fence rose to about his chest.  "There's a note attached to it."

"Let's see."  Turbo chirped, snatching the note from the fence.  "Dear Super Wizard Council.  Here's the bill for the wall separating our land from yours.  Please pay the below amount.  Love, the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold."  He let out a whistle.  "That's a lot of zeros."

"It certainly is, and a pretty crappy wall at that.  I'd heard rumors that the Deathlords were building a wall, but I guess I imagined something-"  Wolf Knight stopped as Burning Mermaid threw a ball of flame at the wooden fence, which immediately caught fire and spread along the entire length of the fence out of sight. "...um....less flammable."  He finished, as the fire went out, having reduced the fence to ash.

"You're...really good with fire."  Turbo said.

"I'm not that good."  Burning Mermaid replied.  "It's almost like they went out of their way to construct a fence out of extra flammable wood."

"You know, for the longest time, I had it in my mind that the Deathlords were dangerous and clever, but I'm starting to doubt that."  Wolf Knight said.

"Don't let your guard down yet, we're only just crossing into the Dark Undercold now.  Who knows what deadly traps and monsters are waiting for us?"  Turbo replied.  "We're treading on unknown territory now.  Maybe we'll even be able to answer one of the most pressing questions of our time, like why the Deathlords have never shown up for one of the Wizardball games."

"Yeah, that's one of the most pressing questions of our time.  You got it, buddy."  Wolf Knight said, putting a hand to his face.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 11)

Hello readers!  After what feels like an eternity, I'm thrilled to finally be able to continue Q&A with Laser Gaiden!

Things have been pretty hectic at the tower here.  The damage from the Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny incident was a bit more extensive than we thought, so we had to complete some much-needed renovations.

That said, let's finally resume one of my favorite parts of this blog!

My Dearest Instructor, Lazer Gaiden,
When shall the Council be taking action regarding the weirdo with the barren tree branches growing out of his head who's been wandering the halls of the tower?  No one can understand the eldritch language which flows from his mouth, and he has blocked the doorway to the ladies restroom when the hateful branches caused him to become stuck.  Please promise unto me that you shall do something about this roustabout, lest the walls of the Tower become my canvas and he, my paint.

-Blood Rainbow

Hello Blood Rainbow!

From what I understand, the Council is in the process of tracking down this mystery man.  Nobody's sure where he came from, he just showed up one day.  He shouldn't be in the ladies restroom, however.  The last thing we need is another problem like Lesser Evil's "lack of direction."

Also, please do not murder anyone in the Tower without a written permission slip from one of your instructors and at least one member of the Council.  You know what the Tower's policy is regarding that.

Sir, I'm still hearing things about my sister being kidnapped on your blog here!  Please tell me what's going on!

-Turbo Thunder

Hello Turbo Thunder!  Your sister has just missed a few days* of classes, she probably just got lost in the tower.  Nothing to worry about!  Please contact the Council about when your visit with your family will be ending, the Wizardball team misses their captain!

*Or weeks.  Or months.  Time, right?  Who's counting it?!

Could we get some better food in here? Everything seems to be a bit…off lately. Also, the snuggle-puppies are requesting live meat (stupid bunnies keep taunting them). Did I hear something about the Spooker Wizards collecting bones? Do you think they could share with my babies?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova,

So I'll be completely honest with you, we've really just been feeding you stuff from a box one of the kitchen duty groups recovered from their duty.  It was labeled "Food?"* so it's probably okay, box labels don't lie.  Usually.

As for the bones, we're trying to discourage the Spooker Wizards from decorating with actual bones, and as you know, any "student debris" from the various accidents around the Tower that can't be reattached has to go to the good folks at Crimson Bovine.
*No matter how much we take from it, it never seems to get any less full.  What a convenient and probably completely safe find!

That should be enough for this week!  Have a good weekend, readers!

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 4)

Hello readers!

I, Lighting Tornado, have returned to you once more to continue our ongoing bestiary series!  It's good to be back, so let's get right into it!

Lil Reapers

Danger Level:  High

Where to find them:  These guys can show up pretty much anywhere.  They’re not very common, fortunately, and they’re usually nocturnal.  They tend to show up in places linked to despair, like graveyards and call centers.

Description:  These adorable, deadly, and highly marketable harbingers of death are some of the nastiest things you can run into.  Don’t let their diminutive statures and squeaky voices lull you into a false sense of security:  They can and will painfully extract the soul of anyone who gets too close, dooming the victim to a life of office work.

How to deal with them:  Avoid, if at all possible, and contact a professional Death Killer.

Hell Hounds

Danger Level:  Varies

Where to find them:  Varies.  Hell Hounds need to be summoned to the mortal plane, and rogue hound summoners blessedly rare.  The only known example is Rodeo Nova, and where she learned to do this is the subject of an ongoing criminal investigation.

Description:  These infernal puppers are as dangerous as they are cute, and as varied as standard run of the mill dogs.  Unlike standard dogs, however, smaller size tends to denote higher levels of danger.  Some Hell Hounds only want lovies and walkies.  Others want to use you and/or your soul as a chew toy.

How to deal with them:  In spite of the infernal pits from which these nefarious pooches are still dogs and just as distracted by a thrown ball or stick.  Don’t make the rookie mistake of offering them treats you don’t actually possess, however.  There’s no quicker way to enrage a Hell Hound than the promise of false treats.

Heck Hounds

Danger Level:  Low

Where to find them:  See above

Description:  Heck Hounds have a lot in common with Hell Hounds.  They come from the same place, they're summoned in (mostly) the same ways, and they come in all shapes and sizes.  They are, however, far less dangerous than Hell Hounds.  Legends have it that the concept for Heck Hounds came from an infernal board room meeting, where it was decided that they needed to make Hell Hounds more appealing to the hip young demon summoner demographic.  In reality, they're more often mistakingly summoned by someone trying to make a Hell Hound.  Turns out if most people want a dog, they'll just get a normal dog.

How to deal with them:  Heck Hounds don't really present much of a threat.  Some demon summoners who don't like the risk/danger/soul upkeep of Hell Hounds even like to keep them as pets.  It's somewhat difficult to tell the difference between the two, so they can serve as danger deterrents to someone not learned enough to tell them apart.

Reminders and Announcements

Hello Students!

As we at the Super Wizard Tower begin to resume normal operation once more, the Council has asked me to remind everyone of a few things.

Current list of missing students (As assembled by Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden)

Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid: Currently on an epic quest to collect blood samples from the eight Deathlords of the Dark Undercold.

Turbo Thunder: Currently visiting family, visit taking longer than expected.  We'll be following up with his family soon to see where he's gotten off to.

Space Slayer and Lesser Evil: Presumably still lost in other dimensions / alternate realities. Subjects of an ongoing investigation regarding the murder of a young eyeball waterfall / beat boxing mouth.*
*The council also has no idea what to make of this and is trying to decide if it's a prank or not.

Taco Lightning: Still missing, possibly having been kidnapped by otherworldly forces. Not located in the Nightmare Closet. Possibly in the basement.  Rumors that she is being held in the West Wing should be discounted, as the West Wing is still closed for repairs and also because there is no West Wing.

I think that's all of the missing students!  Now for some announcements.

Announcements

Recreation and Quarantine Wing Lock down:  PLEASE NOTE that the Recreation and Quarantine Wing is still under lock down while we try and figure out what to do about the Rodeo Nova and Ninja Bunny situation.  This room should be avoided AT ALL COSTS*.  To prevent further incidents and confusion regarding this announcement, we have put all available locks on the entrance to this facility.  Students will be informed when/if this lock down is lifted.

*The only exception to this is if you’re on food duty, and even then, you should only use the designated feeding receptacles.

Note to Spooker Wizards:  Decorating with real bones, while not forbidden, is heavily frowned upon.  The Super Wizard Order can't really afford to be banned from any more Happyshine graveyards, so please keep this in mind.  Also, remember that "procuring" bones from your fellow students is absolutely against the rules.  Anyone who violates this rule will be given detention, kitchen duty, or Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny feeding duty, depending on availability.

Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe:  Please keep in mind that the Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe has begun ghost molting.  All of you know what this means, so please be mindful of it.

That should be all for now.  Stay tuned for Thursday, when we'll have a new bestiary entry, and Friday for the long awaited return of Q&A.

Chronicles of the Rodeo-Ninja War (Part 2)

Several weeks ago...

"So according to the brochure that the Council gave me..."  Wolf Knight started, as the trio of adventurers walked down the sunlit path.  "...Not all of the Deathlords actually live in the castle.  Only Lord Darkblood Killdeath does, really."

"That's inconvenient, and makes the name of the castle misleading."  Burning Mermaid replied.  A group of laughing children ran across the path in front of them.

"I've got to say, this place...is not exactly what I expected."  Turbo said.  "I kind of expected more...dark, and evil, and...miscellaneous other effects of a cursed land."

"I agree.  This doesn't feel homey at all.  Maybe I should have stayed at the Tower, Rodeo Nova is well on her way to making that place more like home."  Burning Mermaid said, with a sigh.

"Yeah, about that."  Wolf Knight said.  "Are either of you at all concerned with the complete lack of communication of any sort from the Tower lately?"

"It's probably fine."  Turbo replied, with a shrug.  "I'm confident in the ability of our Super Wizard superiors to handle pretty much anything."

****

"CATCH THE RABBITS!  DON'T LET ANY ESCAPE!"

"WE'VE LOST CLASSROOM 2B!"

"KEEP THEM SEPARATED!  FIVE OF THESE ARE STUDENTS AND ONE IS A CHAIR!"

"CLASSROOM 2C IS RABBITS!  ALL OF IT' IS RABBITS!  RABBITS!  OH GODS, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

"...Do you hear...barking?"

****

"...It's alarming, but I think he actually believes that."  Wolf Knight said, looking back at Turbo Thunder.

"I'm somewhat surprised the Tower didn't explode immediately after we left."  Burning Mermaid agreed.  "Or while we were still there.  Or on any given day."

"You two need to have more faith in the Council and the Super Wizards."  Turbo Thunder said, shaking his head.

****

"THE COUNCIL IS RABBITS!"

"EVEN ELDER FRED?!"

"No, Elder Fred is fine.  So stoic and brave in the face of adversity!"

"Truly an inspiration to us all."

**BANG BANG BANG**

**BARK BARK**

**BANG BANG BANG**

"Something's trying to get through the door!  Protect the Rabbit Council!"

****

"Oh we have faith in the Council and Super Wizards."  Wolf Knight said.  "Just not faith that they know what they're doing."

"The Tower's got great defenses!"  Turbo argued.  "Nothing is getting into the Tower if the Council doesn't want it there."

****

The great iron doors to the Council Chambers were ripped off their hinges and thrown to the side with a deafening clang and a cloud of debris.

"What in the name of Torp..."

As the dust cleared, the threat gradually came into view.  It was a giant mass of amorphous dogs, barking and panting with multiple tentacle-like tails, all wagging happily.  A pink, jeweled collar around one of the dog-head protrusions read 'Magistrate Snugglebutt the Unspeakable.  If found, return to Rodeo Nova at the Super Wizard Tower in Happyshine.'

"...If we get through this, we really, REALLY need to get that girl to a psychologist."

Chronicles of the Rodeo-Ninja War (Part 1)

Hello readers! My, it has been quite some time, hasn't it? I do apologize for our absence, but there were...circumstances out of our control. The computer that I use to update this blog, along with our IT staff(s) and a great number of other things had been transmogrified into rabbits*, you see. Things have been...eventful here.

*Due to recent events, the Council have decided to move Rabbit Transmogrification to one of the forbidden arts, at least for the time being.**
**The council (Except for Elder Fred and Elder Malcolm) was transmogrified into rabbits shortly after making this decision. The best and brightest Super Wizards are currently in the process of developing Council Transmogrification, but have had limited success***.
***The Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe suggested Ghost Transmogrification. When it was pointed out, however, that this was just a stupid term he made up for death, he made an obscene gesture while slowly disappearing into a wall****.
****This would have normally caused the council to increase resources to finding a replacement for the scribe, but in their current state, they settled for passive-aggressively nibbling on lettuce.

The IT department(s) has been urging the Council to update their transmogrification protection to current standards for years, but they've been slow to act.  Whether it was the cost and effort involved in bringing the protection up to compliance, or the weird, eldritch chittering language of the IT department(s)*, they were not prepared for what was to come.
*Or, I suspect, both.

Anyway, you see, two of our more...well-known students took their animosity for each other to the next level and went to all-out war.  Rodeo Nova and Ninja Bunny have only recently been contained in the Recreation and Quarantine Wing, and a student lottery has been set up to see who's responsible for bringing them food and other necessities while we figure out what to do with them, or for them to resolve whatever their differences are.

No one's entirely sure what happened to spark this war, but the following argument was heard by those listening out of sight before the hostilities began:

"ALL MATTER IS RABBITS AT ITS PURIST FORM!"

"THAT'S STUPID!  YOU'RE STUPID!  SUMMON THE HOUNDS!"

"Do you even know what you're doing with Hound Summoning?!  You're taking concentrated evil and putting it in the shape of a dog!"

"EVIL IS A GOOD BOY AND JUST WANTS WALKIES AND TUMMY SCRATCHES!"

"AND SOULS!"

"ONLY ON TUESDAYS IF THEY EAT ALL THEIR FOOD AND DON'T MESS ON THE CARPET!  And don't act like you're a saint!  Last week you turned the entire math class into rabbits!"

"I freed them from their earthly non-rabbit shackles!"

"What does that even mean?!  My hounds never do stuff like that!"

"ONE OF YOUR HOUNDS ATE SUPER WIZARD FLYING RAINBOW AN HOUR AGO!"

"Well he had a stupid name."

"HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE?!"

"Commodore Scritch-Scratch hates stupid names.  And stop changing the subject!  I know you know the secrets of Hound Transmogrification!"

"You'll never figure it out!"

"I'll make you tell me!"

"I don't know the secrets, there was only one place to learn them!"

"WHERE?!"

"The library!"

"NO!"

"IN A BOOK!"

"NO!  LIES!"

"YOUR HUBRIS AGAINST INANIMATE OBJECTS HAS BECOME YOUR DOWNFALL!"



...We'll discuss what followed in the days to come.  For the time being, we're still in the process of rebuilding after this...event, and there's much to do.

However, rest assured, readers!  We have pulled through another disaster, and will continue to be a shining beacon on the horizon for Super Wizards (And Super Wizards at heart*) everywhere!
*People who can't afford tuition.

The March of Trundles the Love Imp

Can you hear the thundering of unsteady foot steps?  The tromp tromp tromp of Trundles trundling along?  The Skitter-squeaking footfall of his dread army of innumerable cuddle knights?  Lock your doors and shutter your windows, for today is their day.  Today is the March of Trundles the Love Imp.

Today is February 14th, as you all well know, the day when Trundles the Love Imp and his cuddle knights rampage across the land.  They're also around on other days of the year, but no one really knows where they're holed up.  Cuddle knights usually start popping up around the beginning of the month to start bolstering Trundles' army.

There's a lot we don't know about Trundles and his Cuddle Knights.  Why do they rampage?  Why is the death(?) toll so high?  Where do they go after the rampage?  All who have sought the answer to this question are either dead or wear the horrifyingly cuddly armor of the Cuddle Knights.  Here's an overview of this infamous day!

Origins:  Trundles the Love Imp has been around for as long as our recorded history goes back.  His exact origins are shrouded in mystery, and there are theories regarding it.  One of the popular theories is that his creation was a side-effect of the Super Wizard Order weaponizing Love*.  Some think that he was montaged into existence with The Eighties**.
*The Excessive Force weapon that is Love will be discussed in a future entry.
**This theory doesn't hold a lot of weight as The Eighties were a recent discovery, although it has been argued that 'The Eighties are really weird.'

Activities:  There are a number of activities to enjoy during this festive...holiday sounds wrong.  Event?  Yeah, that works.  The most popular activity is, of course, cowering under your bed.  All beds in the student dorm are equipped with a designated Trundles Cowering Space.  Full Super Wizards have their Cowering Closets, and the Council has the luxurious Cowering Lounge complete with mini-bar.  At least, that's what I'm told.

I suppose that's really only one activity then.  So one activity to enjoy.  I think it goes without saying that classes are canceled as well.  We've learned the lesson of trying to hold classes on 2/14 after the incident with the late Elder Dave.

Discount Chocolate Day:  The day immediately following 2/14, of course, is Discount Chocolate Day, the official holiday where all stores sharply discount their supplies of chocolate and various other candies.  This is done to celebrate having survived Trundles the Love Imp one more year, and in memory of those who fell to the girth of his affection.  It's common to see the confections bearing messages like 'You survived! (Sorry if you didn't)' and 'Life has never tasted sweeter!'

Well readers, I should get back to my traditional cowering.  Here's hoping to see all of you tomorrow, when we all simultaneously celebrate our survival and drown our sorrows.  Hopefully more of the former than the later this year, but who can say?

Q&A With Lighting Tornado?

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here.

It's finally time.  I can't possibly say how long I've been waiting for this.  The Council has ruled that Lazer Gaiden probably isn't coming back, so it's finally...finally time...for Q&A With Lighting Tornado!

Hold on, someone's knocking at the door.

****

Hello readers!  It's been some time, hasn't it?  I apologize for my absence, I...er...managed to get myself locked in the Tower's nightmare closet.  I'm not really sure why we have that, but thankfully Throat-Punch Ballet helped me escape while montaging himself out of the basement.  The good news is that we're free!  The bad news is that we're still no closer to figuring out where the basement actually is.

Anyway, Lighting Tornado has been relegate to the corner with the spray bottle again, as per the standard procedure when dealing with interns.  So with that out of the way, I shall resume Q&A.  Oh how I've missed this!  Let's see what questions you have that I may answer, my friends!

What's this I hear about rabbit transmogrification classes? Why aren't you offering dog transmogrification? After all, why would you want a table, or a chair, or an awful soul-sucking book when you could have a giant cuddly puppy with sharp teeth?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello again, readers.  This is Lighting Tornado again.  I'm not sure exactly what caused this to happen, but Lazer Gaiden suddenly sat bolt upright at his desk and slammed his fist through the glass covering of an emergency button on the wall that I never seemed to have noticed and then leaped out the window.  There's a label of some sort by the button, hold on...'In case of Rodeo Nova incident, break glass.'  Ah.

Looks like he managed to survive the fall unscathed.  Not sure how he did that, we're pretty high up.  I guess that's why he's the Super Wizard and I'm the intern.  It looks like he's trying to set the tower on fire now?  That's not going to work, the Tower's made of stone.

The Council just left the Tower now, probably drawn out by this piercing alarm, and they're trying to get Lazer Gaiden to calm down I think.  Elder Bob just slapped him, and it looks like that worked.  I can't quite hear them from up here, but I think Lazer Gaiden is explaining the situation to them now?  Ah, yeah, that's probably it, because now the Council is trying to help him set the Tower on fire.  Still made of stone, guys.

I should probably go.  At the rate they're going, they might end up succeeding.  Until next time, readers.

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 3)

Hello readers!  Lighting Tornado here again for another addition to the Super Wizard Bestiary!


Cuddle Knights
Danger level: Very high
Where to find them: Anywhere, especially at this time of year
Description: Cuddle Knights are the followers of Trundles the Love Imp, and they're especially prevalent around this time of year as they prepare for the March of Trundles the Love Imp on the 14th.  We'll talk more about that next week, I'm sure.  Basically, Cuddle Knights are a sort of unknown creature that can create more of themselves through unknown means.  They're sort of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid.  You don't want to mess with these guys.
How to deal with them: Get as far away from them as possible and notify the authorities.  Remember that when you see someone offering free hugs, nothing in life comes for free.

Turbo Mosquitoes
Danger level:  Pretty high
Where to find them:  The Mire of Turbo Death
Description:  The stories aren't really clear on whether the Mire of Turbo Death was named because of the Turbo Mosquitoes or the other way around.  Probably the other way around, since Turbo Mosquitoes are by far not the only dangerous thing that lives in that Mire.  These guys feed on blood like regular Mosquitoes, but they do it really, really fast.  They're kind of like vampires, if vampires weren't fake and stupid.
How to deal with them:  Don't go to the Mire of Turbo Death

Expired Crimson Bovine
Danger level: EXREME
Where to find them: Anywhere that carries Crimson Bovine past the legal disposal date.
Description: Crimson Bovine Inc. explicitly states in fine print on each bottle of Crimson Bovine that the product is not intended to be kept past its expiration date.  This is usually not an issue, as the stock is usually consumed before expiration occurs.  If it DOES expire, however the [REDACTED BY CRIMSON BOVINE INC.]
How to deal with them: Crimson Bovine that's about to expire is traditionally fired into space with Crimson Bovine Disposal Cannons.

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 2)

Hello everyone, Intern Super Wizard Lighting Tornado here again!  Today I'll be giving you part 2 of the Super Wizard Bestiary that Lazer Gaiden started.

Demons
Danger level:  Possibly apocalyptic
Where to find them:  In your nightmares, occasionally as classmates at the Tower.
Description:  Legends found in dusty old texts spared from Rodeo Nova's wrath state that a demon walking the land will cause the end of the world.  Honestly though, they can get in line.  Seems like the world's in danger of being ended by basically everything nowadays.  If it's not demons, it's the nonsense with the West Wing or the more boring Super Wizards proclaiming that using The Eighties will kill us all.
How to deal with them:  Ours likes cute things, so bribery usually works.  Not sure about others though.

Eighties Spawn
Danger level:  Varies
Where to find them:  In the aftermath of montages, homeless in the slums of Happyshine, possibly in your classroom
Description: A common misconception of Eighties Spawn after Lazer Gaiden brought them up is that Eighties Spawn are all humans.  This is not actually the case, as there have been reports of both human and animal and...neither.  Part of the risk involved in the montage is that you don't know what will happen by the end.  You could end up with a flock of seagulls haircut, or surrounded by burly lumberjacks dressed in business casual riding ponies made of sparkles.
How to deal with them: Honestly I don't have a good answer for this.  No one does, really.  No one's really sure exactly where Eighties Spawn come from, not even the Eighties Spawn themselves.  Some theories say that they're actually created BY the montage.

Invertmites
Danger level:  Depends on whether or not you've got a fear of tasteful furniture.  Yes, that's a thing.
Where to find them:  If a new village turns up on the map, odds are good you'll find them here.
Description:  Invertmites are a pest of sorts that rapidly construct lovely wooden furniture through unknown means.  Their magical status is a matter of some debate, although they're notoriously difficult to actually locate.  If you don't think sudden furniture sounds that bad, you've clearly not experienced the nightmare of waking up to find a brand new armoire with beautiful floral carvings in your bedroom.  In the middle of the night.  With your foot.
How to deal with them:  Usually, you don't.  You're way, way more likely to find their leavings than the critters themselves.  And they often turn up in inconvenient places.  I heard a story of someone who found a huge, brand new dresser with intricate carvings depicting ancient battles in their closet.  Except it was too big to open the drawers, or (probably more importantly) even remove from the closet.  Some people think they're not actually bugs, but gnomes.  This is silly, of course, because gnomes don't exist.

Crimson Bovine Runoff
Danger level:  I'm legally required to say safe.
Where to find them:  Near Crimson Bovine factories, which non-employees aren't supposed to be around anyway.
Description:  Crimson Bovine has the best, most (safe) highly toxic runoff of any company ever.  In a recent push to be more environmentally friendly, they've taken to piping (most of) their runoff into alternate planes of reality.  This is probably fine.
How to deal with them:  Unless you're employed by Crimson Bovine, your odds of this ever being an issue are low.  I'm told Crimson Bovine Inc. holds the right to press charges in the event of maiming, death, possession by otherworldly forces, or....hm...this is a really long list.  Basically don't trespass on Crimson Bovine property or they'll probably sue you or what's left of you.  That assuming, of course, that Crimson Bovine wasn't perfectly safe.  Which I'm legally required to say is not the case.

The Kingdom of Happyshine (Part 2)

Hello readers!  Intern Super Wizard Tornado Lighting here!  I'm filling in for Lazer Gaiden today, as he's still missing and quite possibly dead*!
*The Super Wizard in me, of course, wishes Lazer Gaiden a speedy and safe return.  The opportunist in me, however, would be more than happy to finally receive a promotion.

The Council has requested that I step in for today to continue the series I started on the Kingdom of Happyshine.  Unsupervised!

The Mountains of You Will Absolutely Die if you Come Here:  I'll be honest with you, nobody really knows why this place is so dangerous, since it's pretty appropriately named*.  My guess?  Spiders.
*RIP Elder John.  Your obnoxious stubbornness to ignore obvious warnings is an example to us all.  We will not forget.

Dim Underchilly:  Whether Dim Underchilly is part of Happyshine or the Dark Undercold is a matter of some dispute, as it rests more or less on the border between both.  The Deathlords are assholes though, so I'm just gonna say it's ours.  Officials from both kingdoms have supposedly never actually spoken in person.  The stories go that they communicate through a series of passive-aggressive notes along the border.  I haven't been there myself to see, but it seems about right.

The Crater of Inevitability:  As the name suggests, it's a big crater.  Huge, in fact.  And nothing grows or lives there.  Rumor has it that, in spite of the huge amount of space, even Crimson Bovine Inc. passed up building anything in the crater.  Legends say that there used to be a town or city of some sort where the crater is now, but it was wiped out by something.  It could have possibly been a dragon angel.  There's not really any records of the city to check when it could have been destroyed, but when dragon angels attack, people tend to be more focused on running and screaming and wetting themselves than record taking.

The Fields of Cerulean Murder: Okay so, in spite of the name, this is actually a pretty nice picnic spot.  The name likely comes from a mistranslation of the original name*.  There's lots of flowers here at all times of year, and a pleasing lack of lethal wildlife.  Except in the winter.  Don't go there in the winter.
*The original name is probably closer to The Fields of Crimson Murder, obviously.

The Lagoon that Time Forgot: For the more adventurous types, the Lagoon that Time Forgot is actually a pretty nice vacation spot.  There's nice beaches and clear blue skies, and a whole host of (presumably) residents locked in time with expressions of inexplicable terror on their faces.  And no sharks!

The Boring Forest: This is an uninteresting forest with nothing at all unusual about it.  Popular with non-Super Wizards for not being even slightly dangerous at any time of year except for the occasional bear.  They're not even weaponized though!  Normal people are weird.

Question Korner with Kiddy Killdeath

It's time for every child of the Dark Undercold's favorite show*, Question Korner with Kiddie Killdeath!  I'm Kiddie Killdeath, your lovable state-sponsored cartoon propaganda mascot!
*By law

Mister Killdeath, I've heard that some Super Wizards did some bad things right outside the Dark Undercold.  Are they going to come here next?
-Bloody Massacre, 6

No need to worry, Bloody Massacre!  The Super Wizards can't actually get into the Dark Undercold!  You see, we've built a wall around our borders, and it's big and tall and keeps out undesirables like Super Wizards!  And the best part is that we're going to get the Super Wizards to pay for it someday!  Yaaaaaaaay!!!

Hi Mister Killdeath!  Why do we call where we live the Dark Undercold if it's not dark or cold?
-Deathy McDeathdeath, 7

That's a very good question, Deathy!  The answer is actually very long and complicated, but the short version is that we call it the Dark Undercold because it sounds cool!

Do you really believe that the Dark Undercold can perpetually sustain itself while also maintaining so many isolationist policies?  The population is still growing, and some places are already reporting food sho-
-Shiny Bloodwave, 3

Sorry to cut your question short, Shiny, but a little surveillance birdy tells me that you're not the one who wrote this question!  Don't worry!  The Underpatrol will be dropping by any time now and I'm sure that by the time they leave, you won't have any questions ever again!  Won't that be nice?!

Are all the Super Wizards bad?
-Donnie Homicide

As a general rule, yes!  There is one named Elder Fred, however, who gets a pass!

What should we do if we ever meet a Super Wizard, Mister Killdeath?
-Hurricane of Todd, 4

Kill them, rend the flesh from their bones, throw what's left into an anonymous ditch and let the birds feast on their remains!

That's all the time we have for today, kids!  Tune in next week, when I'll be showing you 1984 ways to make paper dolls and snowflakes from the bodies of your enemies!!!

wELCome toWER

It happens to everyone at some point in their lives.  They look longingly at the lightless sun and think "This is wrong."  They look at the mountains of teeth and think "Nothing just would allow this to exist" moments before it devours the empty, blackened sky.  They look dreamily to the stars and think "These aren't the stars I know, these are cold and cruel, and always watching."

These things, these sleepers, these...we call them brothers and sisters, welcome always into the Tower that touches everywhere that should not exist.

Such gifts we have for you, child.

• Archeomancy - Some relics should stay buried.
• Violenceomancy - Some wings are forbidden for a reason.
• Ignorance - Not knowing won't save you.
• Common Sense - ()

Come to the West Wing.  Come to the West Wing and See.

New from Crimson Bovine!!!

Hey everyone!

Do you want to remove your thirst from this timeline?*

Then you need to try the new flavor from Crimson Bovine, Casualty Crisis Cola!**

Lovingly crafted by soulless automated machines and bored teenagers, Casualty Crisis Cola flavor is a combination of a large number of different herbs and spices.  Many of them are non-toxic!  Once you try some, you won't want to stop drinking it ever!

And here at Crimson Bovine, we say that's okay!

The new flavor hits the shelves next week!  Pick some up today!

Try some today, and you'll wish you had yesterday!

Or maybe...you did?***

*Removing thirst from current timeline can cause irreparable damage to the timeline.  Please alter the timeline responsibly.
**Absolutely not created from time substance of questionable origin.  Who told you that?  Don't listen to them.
***Due to the nature of the ingredients used in Casualty Crisis Cola, the answer to this question is unclear.






















Can anybody hear me?

I don't know where I am.

Something's wrong. 

There are men with no faces

There is a sun which casts no light

I think I've made a terrible mistake

Please...

Help me

Elsewhere

Lord Painscream the Incorrigible sat upon his throne of unicorn skulls, idly browsing a teen fashion magazine.  "I swear to me, I don't understand kids these days..."  He muttered to himself.  He almost didn't notice when a cloud of black smoke began to pour into the room from several cracks in the red wall, materializing into a humanoid form.  As the smoke merged, the form began to develop more and more features until a stately gentleman butler stood before him.

"Sir."  The butler said.

"Ah, hello Jacob."  Lord Painscream said, looking at him over the bridge of his tiny reading glasses.

"We've just received...er...what are you reading, sir?"

"A teen fashion magazine."

"A what?"

Lord Painscream let out a sigh.  "It's a quarterly book of sorts in which they discuss the latest fashion trends that the kids are following."

"I er...know what it is.  I'm just somewhat surprised to find you reading it."

"Demons need to know these things, Jacob.  If someone summons us to request their hearts desire, we'll get laughed out of the summoning circle if we show up wearing green tunics or something like that.  It's..."  he squinted at the magazine again.  "...like, so last season."

"If...you say so, sir."

"So why are you here?"

"It seems like your daughter sent us a bit of a..."  Jacob scrunched up his face, as though trying to decide what to say.  "...gift?"

"Ah, my little Burning Mermaid, off and about in the world above to pursue a higher education."  Lord Painscream said, flicking away a tear of pride.  "So what did she send us?"

"A bunch of members from something called the Cult of the Screaming Bleeding Agony."

"They sound fun."

"They were originally surprised and distressed when they arrived, but then they became..."  Jacob shuddered.  "...very excited."

"Oh.  That sort of cult."  Lord Painscream replied, his happiness deflating a bit.  "Well, I'm sure we'll get them sorted out eventually.  Make sure you assign them the folks with the really strong stomachs."

"Yes sir."

"Thanks Jacob.  You're a pretty alright butler."

Jacob beamed.  "You might even say I'm one HEL-"

"I'm going to stop you right there, Jacob.  Your predecessor made that joke like...every time I saw him.  You probably don't want to know the situation that led to his replacement."  He looked around the room and then put a clawed hand to his mouth and lowered his voice as though telling a secret.  "It involved a lot of screaming and they're still trying to clean the blood off the walls."

"...yes sir."  Jacob said, turning a little pale.  He began to dissipate into smoke again and escape through the cracks in the wall from whence he came.

"Allright, where were we..."  Lord Painscream murmured, paging through the magazine.  "Ugh...pastels...and they say demons are evil."

Notice

Readers,

Following the events of Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden's disappearance, we will be finding a temporary replacement to maintain this blog.  This replacement will only be temporary, and we're sure that Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden will be found and continue his updates as per usual within the week.

This is assuming that Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden has not gone to the West Wing.  In the event of this unfortunate circumstance, a more permanent replacement will be found.  If Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden has gone to the west wing, anyone appearing while wearing the physical form of Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden is not to be trusted.

This is especially true if the imposter says anything negative or profane regarding Crimson Bovine products.

This is especially doubly true if the negative or profane things he says regarding Crimson Bovine are spoken in tongues.

-The Super Wizard Council and the kind folks from Crimson Bovine Inc.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 10)

Hello readers! Today marks the tenth edition of Q&A we've done since this blog began! Thank you for sticking with me this long to make it interesting. Let's get to the questions.

Do rabbits count toward the annual casualty quota?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova,

While I would like very much to  refuse answering your question, I am sworn to do so by the responsibility of being the Super Wizard Guidance councilor.

Or that's what I would say, if I knew.  Truth be told, nobody really knows much about the casually quota other than the accountant.  We're not sure why it exists or what would happen if it were to be exceeded.  We assume that this has never actually occurred, because we assume that Robert Baron would tell us if we did.  Usually he just tells us if we're getting close.

But as far as I know, only students count towards the annual casualty quota.  That said, please keep in mind that Elder Malcolm would probably be somewhat displeased at violence against his kind, and do try not to make the turf war between you and Ninja Bunny any worse than it already is.  Rabbits may not count towards the casually quota, but the students that have been caught in the crossfire do.


Dear Lazer Gaiden,
I've accidentally wandered into Elder George's office. He gave me a stern talking to about my wandering, and assigned me detention in "the west wing." Is the entrance to the west wing still a giant mouth?
Sincerely,
-Lesser Evil (and clearly not some fake trying to determine the dangers of the Tower's West Wing prior to infiltrating it.)

Hello Lesser Evil,


Nice try, but you're clearly trying to determine the dangers of the Tower's West Wing prior to infiltrating it!

Also, Elder George has apparently switched bodies with a dog for reasons that are being ignored in the interest of being hilarious, so he can't really tell anyone anything.

As far as I know, the entrance is still a mouth anyway.  A number of overly curious students have been consumed by the mouth, so we've moved a Crimson Bovine vending machine in front of it to block it.  Some members of the Council disagreed with this action, stating that if it consumes the Crimson Bovine, it may become powerful enough to exist.  However, as of yet, it has not consumed the vending machine.  So we're probably safe as far as that goes.  Probably.

Seriously, stay away from the West Wing.  I don't know how many times I have to say it's for your own good.  This is what the Council gets for making curiosity a class for students to take.

Hello sir,
I've noticed a distressing trail of empty Crimson Bovine bottles down here in the basement.  It's almost like it's leading me somewhere.  Is it a good idea to follow trails of empty bottles in a room no one knows the location of?
-Throat-Punch Ballet

Hello Throat-Punch Ballet,

I would have to say no, it's probably not a good idea.  But then again, what else are you going to do?  Maybe you left it for yourself in the Montage. They can be weird like that.

Sir, is the Super Wizard order responsible for civilian legal fees for things like...say for example...massive loss of life, death and dismemberment, and "general terror"?    On a completely and totally unrelated note, you may be hearing from some people in Dim Underchilly soon.
-Wolf Knight

...I had a number of questions of my own regarding this, but then I remembered the company you're keeping.  I'm told that the Council and Tower Accountant have had a number of very urgent planning meetings for...well...that.

Sir, what's this I hear about my sister being missing?
-Turbo Thunder

Hello Turbo Thunder!  Everything's fine with Taco Lightning, she's not missing in the slightest!  Enjoy your family visit, and no need to worry about these missing sister rumors, and certainly not to read further in this Q&A!

Sir, help!  I've been kidnapped by *Redacted*!
-Taco Lightning

Hello Taco Lightning!

I assure you that we're doing everything in our power to track you down.  Hang in there!

That's odd, I don't recall there being another question for this week...

Lazer Gaiden,
If you and the Council continue to ignore our demands, I will be forced to escalate this situation.  You will come to the West Wing, and we will see how much this student means to you and your order.

...I'll see you next week, readers.

The Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill (Part 2)

"AHHHHHHHHH!  AHHHHHHHHH!  OH GOD IT BURNS!"  The man on the rack screamed.

"I'm going to be honest, I'm not sure my..."  Wolf Knight paused, and considered a moment.  "...traveling companions and I are very comfortable with this, Elder Bloodscream."

"Eh."  Burning Mermaid shrugged.

"Oh, no one's here against their will, kiddo.  They love this!"  Elder Bloodscream said, and jammed the hot poker into the bound man's arm again.

"AHHHHHHHHH!  AHHHHHHHHH!  THE BURNING!  AHHHHHHHHH!  AHHHhhhh......"  the man fell silent as the poker was pulled away, panting and gasping for breath.  "Phew...Heh...good times."

"Eh?"  Elder Bloodscream said, nudging Turbo Thunder with his elbow.  "You want a go, sport?"

Turbo Thunder's face transitioned through several shades of pale and he managed to shake his head in a stilted way.

Burning Mermaid rolled her eyes.  "Give it here."  she said.

Elder Bloodscream handed the poker over to Burning Mermaid and laughed.  "Don't have too much fun now, you crazy kid."  he said.  "As for you two, follow me and we'll see how we can help you out."

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Wolf Knight and Turbo Thunder followed the robed man as he led them towards the gift shop.

"You see?  I told you that sometimes you just need to ask for help."  Wolf Knight said to Turbo, quietly.  "Not everyone's as bad as you seem to think they are."

"AHHHHHHHHH!  TOO MUCH!"

Turbo gaped at Wolf Knight, his jaw dropping open a little.  "Wolf Knight, we watched them sacrifice someone!  And...and the meat!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!!  I NEED THAT SPLEEN!"

"Just showmanship, kid!  We're a theme restaurant, I thought you'd figured that out by now."  Elder Bloodscream said.

"AHHHHHHHHH!  WHAT DID YOU DO TO TYLER?!"

"Yeah, see?"  Wolf Knight said.

"If it's a theme restaurant, where did they take the bod-"  Turbo started, but Wolf Knight cut him off.

"So we're just here for a blood sample from..."He pulled out the brochure and examined it a moment.  "Deathlord Clarence."


"AHHHHHHHHH!  I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!"
 
"Ah, got the short straw, huh?  Well, we've got a bunch of vials in the gift shop."  Elder Bloodscream explained.

"That's a weird thing to sell in a gift shop."  Wolf Knight replied.

"Kid, we're torture junkies.  I assure you it's not the weirdest thing you'll find in there.  We've got things you wouldn't see in your wildest dreams or your most vile nightmares.  Also, funnel cake."

“Funnel cake?  I haven’t had that in years.  Is it any good here?”  Turbo asked.

“Eh.”  Elder Bloodscream shrugged.

In short order, Wolf Knight was examining a vial of ordinary looking blood and Turbo was munching on a plate of funnel cake.

“This funnel cake is really good!”  Turbo said.

“You’re very kind.”  Elder Bloodscream replied, beaming.  “We use a special ingredient.”

“Oh yeah?  What’s that?”  Turbo asked.

Elder Bloodscream spread his arms wide.  “HUMAN SACRIFICES!”

Turbo abruptly dropped the plate and ran in the direction of the bathrooms, holding his hand over his mouth.  Elder Bloodscream let out a burst of laughter before wiping a tear from his eye with his robe.  “That never gets old.”

Burning Mermaid walked over to join them, handing the poker back to Elder Bloodscream.

"Eh?  Done already?  Did you have fun?"  he asked her.

"It's not a very good arcade."  Burning Mermaid replied.  "I broke it."

"You broke..."   Elder Bloodscream started, staring at her and then at the poker as his brain attempted to process her response.  He ran back in the direction they had come as a miserable Turbo Thunder rejoined them.

"I'm not going to ask, and I don't want you to explain."  Wolf Knight said to Burning Mermaid.

"That's probably for the best."  She replied with a shrug.

"We should probably leave, quickly."  Turbo said.  "For a number of very good, legitimate reasons."

Super Wizard Disciplines: The Eighties (Part 1)

Hello Readers!  I believe it's time to discuss one of the  most popular and well-known of the Super Wizard disciplines:  The Eighties.

Most Super Wizard disciplines have been developed in-house and handed down for generations, but The Eighties is a bit of an exception.  They were discovered when we intercepted signals of a lost time from a lost world, and have been adapted into one of the most potent (and awesome) Super Wizard disciplines at our disposal.  A master of The Eighties can decimate their opponents with the power of rainbows, star wipes, and hair metal.  They can also utilize the mysterious time compressing montage ability.  Masters of The Eighties were also masters of the impossible, and constantly seeking to better their already impressive skills.  One of the Super Wizards* from the lost world, a Stan Bush, was quoted as "I wanna run where the eagles fly."  Astonishing, and an inspiration to all.

*or the lost world's equivalent to Super Wizards.

In part one regarding this discipline, we'll be taking a look at one of the basic techniques of The Eighties.  Like all good things, The Eighties must be handled in small doses (or risk catastrophic consequence).

The Montage:  One of the more mysterious abilities of the Eighties is that of the Montage.  When channeling the power of the Eighties (in conjunction to rockin tunes of an adequate cheese factor), this ability allows the user to compress chunks of time while pursuing some sort of goal, and skip the boring or unpleasant parts.  This ability is not without risks, however, as you can end up in places that you don't expect while compressing time*.  Misuse (or sometimes just standard use) can cause the appearing of Eighties Spawn, and we're trying to avoid that as much as possible.  Some of the make good Super Wizard candidates, but most of them don't and it's getting harder to figure out what to do with them.

*Presumably, this is how Throat-Punch Ballet found himself trapped in the basement*, despite nobody knowing where the basement actually is.

**The process of removing Throat-Punch Ballet from the basement is on-going.  The Tower Accountant has made the decision to mark him down as a casualty, but promises to consider reversing this if he is successfully salvaged.

Meet the Staff (Part 5)

Hello readers!  With rumors of apocalyptic wrath from beings of questionable existence and Super Wizard assignments out of the way, things can get back to some semblance of normalcy again!  Let's do another Meet the Staff.  For this entry, we'll be discussing what many of the Super Wizards refer to as the Tower's very own League of Evil.

Frank Stein: Frank Stein is less part of the League of Evil and more...one of their biggest victims.  As the Tower janitor, Frank has become a tragic reminder of the importance of reading your contract exceedingly carefully.  This is especially true when the contract is drafted by our Tower Lawyer (see below).

As stated above, Frank is the Tower janitor, and has been for...a considerable amount of time.  No one's really sure how long, and Frank has been somewhat less than willing to talk about it since about the time his lower jaw went missing.  Sometime after losing yet another janitor to the various deadly challenges of Super Wizard life, the Tower accountant met with the Tower lawyer to find a solution.  They decided that the next janitor they were to hire would have it in his contract that he consented being raised as a zombie if/when he died, and this would be repeated "as many times as necessary."  At least the benefits seem to be pretty good, he never needs to worry about getting sick in his current state!

Robert Baron:  Robert Baron is the Tower accountant, and rumor has it that he was a generous, good man at one point.  Such is the sinister* nature of accounting that he has been twisted into the wretched, withered, evil thing that he is today.  Refered by most simply as the Tower accountant, Robert Baron decides on the allocation of funds and negotiates payments between the council and the various forces that Super Wizards work with.  He also keeps track of the casually quota.  It's unknown who decides on the quota or what the repercussions are should it ever be exceeded.

He's also not very well liked.
*Sinister, but necessary.

The Tower Lawyer:  The Tower Lawyer is a being so secretive that few outside the Council have ever actually seen their face.  Many things about the Tower Lawyer are unknown, such as their gender, their appearance, or really...anything.  There are plenty of rumors that circulate about them, everything from those that say they operate out of somewhere in the kitchen* to others that say they're not human, but fae**.
*Some that hold to this speculate that they're the source of the Kitchen being what it is.
**Plausible, as the Fae do make exceptionally good lawyers.  As all are no doubt very aware, however, fae are forbidden to practice law in human society.