A Quest (Part 1)

The following was overheard in Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden's office, shortly after Wolf Knight was called in for a discussion.





“Terrible news, Wolf Knight.” The Royal Beard began. “The princess of Happyshine has been overcome with a terrible sickness.”

“That’s awful, sir! What is her illness?”

“She’s fallen prey to a terrible case of death!”

Silence fell on on the office as Wolf Knight processed this information. The clock ticked loudly on the wall.

“Death.” Wolf Knight repeated. “So...she’s dead.”

“No, she HAS death Wolf Knight.” Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden corrected. “Please try to keep up with the conversation.”

“Okay, so she...has….death.” Wolf Knight stated. “That’s...probably terrible, but I’m not clear what this has to do with me.”

“We’re sending you on a quest to find the cure.” Lazer Gaiden announced.

“The cure.”

“Yes.”

“For death.”

“Yes. This seems to be a difficult concept for you to grasp.”

“No sir, just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page. Please go on. How does one cure death?”

“You will need to travel to the Dark Undercold and find the Evil Castle of the Evil Deathlords.”

“I don’t think you need to use that word twice, I understand that they’re evil.”

“Only by mixing a sample of blood from every one of them can the Princess’ death be reversed.”

“Right. Reverse the death. That absolutely makes sense.”

Lazer Gaiden cleared his throat. “I noticed that you’re failing your philosophy class, “I can punch it, but should I?””

“Yes sir, Elder Bob and I have some disagreements on whether certain things should or should not be punched.”

“So I’ve heard, at length.” Lazer Gaiden muttered. “If you complete this quest, we’ll award you with enough extra credit to boost you to a passing grade.”

“Very generous, sir, but wouldn’t a mission this dangerous and important be better suited for full Super Wizards? I’m still a trainee.”

“The other Super Wizards are on their own assignment to slay the Desert of Sorrow.”

“Ah, I was wondering where they-I’m sorry, did you say slay the desert?”

“Yes.”

“Yes? That’s all? Don’t you think that warrants more explanation? How does-”

“Please stay on topic, young Wolf Knight” The Royal Beard interjected. “This is a highly important and sensitive matter.”

Lazer Gaiden raised a hand. “Please let me have a word alone with the boy.” He said.

“As you wish, Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden.” The Royal Beard replied, and left the room with a stiff air of nobility. Lazer Gaiden watched the door for a moment and shook his head a bit before focusing back on Wolf Knight.

"Wolf Knight.” Lazer Gaiden said, as he steepled his fingers. “A number of the elders lately have expressed concern lately that you may not be...the best fit with the Super Wizards. Elder Fred most recently.”

“Sir, Elder Fred is a rock with a face drawn on it.”

“Wolf Knight…”

“The “Battle Contemplations” class is literally an hour of us staring at the rock.”

“Be that as it may, Elder Fred is a valued member of the Super Wizard council. There’s also the matter of your...previous incidents.”

Wolf Knight visibly grimaced. “Sir, those were-”

“Incident from three months ago in your remedial “Aesthetics of Cool” class. You were quoted as saying “Sir! I don’t think I’m getting through to you. I understand the principles of walking away and not looking at explosions, I just think they’re stupid. You’re stupid. This whole goddamn tower is stupid!” There was apparently more to that outburst, but the rest of it just says etc. Presumably because Elder Roger stopped caring.”

“I was...going through a dark time.”

“The incident from two months ago: Calling Happyshine Emergency Medical Services on the super wizards training in the ancient art of rabies.”

“I stand by that decision, sir! Rabies is not a magical weapon, those people needed medical help!”

“I’m not going to sit here and explain the basics of super wizard weapon training to you again, Wolf Knight. And let’s not forget today’s outburst. Elder Jack had several things to say about your...class participation.”

“Sir, this is starting to feel a bit like blackmail…”

“Good guys don’t blackmail, Wolf Knight, they produce material that coerces you into doing something you don’t want to do.”

“...Sir, that’s-”

“I’m afraid that this is going to be your last chance. You’ll need to either complete this quest or look into other options for your future.”

“I...yes sir.”

“I want to see you succeed. The Elders may not appreciate your...unique...outlook on things, but I think you have the potential to be one of...well maybe not the best of us, but...I think you could probably squeak by graduation with at least a passing grade.” He considered his words for a moment. “Probably.”

“Very inspiring, sir.”

“So will you accept this quest? Will you save Happyshine?”

Wolf Knight sighed. “Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.”

“Fantastic news, Wolf Knight. Elder George prepared a statement to be announced to the citizens which should be read at any moment now.”

“Funny how you knew I’d accept the quest, almost like it was blackm-”

“For centuries upon centuries, the Kingdom of Happyshine has been the prime producer of the world's happiness.” The herald announced to the crowd outside. “Our people are happy, our animals are happy, even our vermin are happy, before our exterminators (who are also happy) kill them. The light of our joy has always been a beacon of hope for all who visit!”

“As you all know, the Kingdom of Happyshine is also the headquarters for the Super Wizard Order, the most hardcore, badass warriors that have ever existed anywhere. They ensure that the citizens of Happyshine and the world at large are kept safe from the many evils and unhappy people that exist in the world. Most of them are also happy, and those that aren't are badass enough that people don't say anything about it.”

"But now, tragedy has befallen our lovely Kingdom of Happyshine! Our beloved princess has fallen ill with the horrible sickness of death. The only thing that can save her is the combined blood of the eight Deathlords of the Dark Undercold. The Super Wizard Lords have chosen a champion to undertake this quest for us, to save our kingdom! I have a statement from the Elder Super Wizard council themselves! "Although he is young and still a trainee, Wolf Knight has the unique position of being expendable and not busy with more important tasks! Elder George, please start over on a new scroll and try to use more tact, this will be read to the public."”

“Elder George is an asshole.” Wolf Knight mumbled.

“You have no idea.” Lazer Gaiden replied, rolling his eyes. “But please refrain from speaking ill of the Elders within the tower.  You'll have a few days to prepare, but I want you to begin this quest this week."