Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 5)

It's time for another Q&A session!  Hope everyone's ready!

It has come to my attention that the elders refuse to allow my dog to participate in the next naming ceremony. This is an egregious error on their parts, as Mister Fluffypants is smarter and stronger than any other candidate (what with the blood magic and all). This is clearly a case of anti-canine bigotry! And don’t you dare try to cover it up by telling me it’s some sort of rule written in those deceitful “books” you cling to. Written words lie! That being said, should I start a petition to overturn the elders’ decision, or should I just go straight to unleashing my other hounds?
-Rodeo Nova

Rodeo Nova, I've told you multiple times that I don't actually have any say in whether or not your dog can participate in the naming ceremony.  That is a matter for the Council.  I'm not sure how exactly you plan to go about making a petition, considering your...interesting feelings regarding the written word.  I would, however, advise against unleashing your hounds against the Council.  That seems like something they would strongly frown upon.

Come to think of it, where do you even keep those dogs?  Your quarters are not quite large enough for the sheer number of them that you apparently possess.  Some students and faculty have complained about the sounds of unearthly howling and barking.  There is, admittedly, some concern that your dogs may not be dogs at all.  Perhaps some sort of undog, or "underdogs" from the Dark Undercold.  Please check to ensure that your pets do not have rings that contain super power performance enhancers, that's the last thing we need around here.

That aside, you're more than welcome to bring the issue to the Council again, but I can't imagine their response will be any different this time.

As I per protocol, I was "wandering around" in the girl's dormitory, minding my own business, when I "accidentally" walked into "Space Slayer's" room. When I realized my "wandering" may land me in "detention", I "immediately" proceeded to leave the area so as to "not" incriminate myself, because Lord of the Dark Under-cold knows that I surely want to "follow the rules." Anyway, upon my "brief" and "swift" exit, I noticed "scribbling" about the "forbidden" west wing. This got me to wondering if there was an east wing, and if so, where might one find it?

Also, I "apologize" in advance for any "over use" of "air quotes". I recently began conducting my own "research" into the "matter" and appeared to have "forgotten" how to turn them "off".
-Lesser Evil

...Stunning.  Lesser Evil, we really need to have a very serious talk about your wanderings.  I simply cannot comprehend how you happened upon another student's room, and Space Slayer of all students.  For the sake of everyone in the tower and, quite possibly, the world, stay away from Space Slayer!  It's bad enough that she's been missing lately.  She needs to be found, but I promise that it would be best if anyone but you was the one to do so.

As for the East Wing, there's not really any reason for you to go there, or anyone for that matter. From what I understand, the east wing consists of various unused or abandoned offices.  I haven't visited it myself, I think there were plans to renovate the east wing into something useful, but the plans fell through for some reason.  I'm not surprised you haven't "happened across" them yet, as they are neither forbidden nor female-only, which seem to be the only areas you "accidentally" "happen across."

Also, getting stuck with air quotes is a fairly common condition.  You should be able to get that resolved with a quick visit to Doctor CoolRad.

Dear Lazer Gaiden,

Recent progress on the western front has exposed my recruits to noxious swamp gasses and many are falling ill. Crimson Bovine supply has been cut off. Are there any known field remedies for exposure? What's the best weapon to use when battling a small army of pint-sized undead former companions?

Regards, Sergeant Mercy Gorecrunch

Oh, MERCY Gorecrunch!  I apologize for the recent misconception regarding your status as a Super Wizard.

Running low on Crimson Bovine, eh?  That shouldn't be an issue, you should just be able to search around the swamp for vending machines.  Crimson Bovine puts vending machines in the most obscure places, so you shouldn't have to search too long for one.

As for undead former companions, you can also solve this issue with the first part of my answer.  It seems that almost every non-human entity has some sort of horrifying aversion to "Crimso Bovine" power beverage.  Undead in particular tend to burst into purple (sometimes green) flame when exposed to it.  Try it, it's fun!

That's all the time we have for today.  Have a great weekend, everyone!