Deathlord Frank (Part 1)

"Mwehehe!  You and your friends have proven your strength and your skill by reaching this place-"

"I mean...not really.  It's a pretty easy walk."  Wolf Knight interjected.

"Yeah, I think the Dark Undercold's infrastructure is actually better than Happyshine's, really."  Burning Mermaid chimed in.

"...But now we will test your mind!"  Deathlord Frank continued, ignoring them.

"Do you think he didn't hear us?"  Turbo Thunder asked.

"I'm pretty sure he's rehearsed this so much that he doesn't know how to improvise."  Wolf Knight replied, with a shrug.

"Silence!  I will now begin my riddle!"  Deathlord Frank shrieked.  "If a train leaves the Kingdom of Happyshine going 100 miles per hour towards this cavern, and another train leaves this cavern to Happyshine at 50 miles per hour, where will they crash?"  He finished his riddle and looked at them smugly as Wolf Knight and his companions exchanged glances.  "Ah-ha!  I have stumped you!"

"...What's a train?"  Turbo Thunder asked.

"What?"

"A train.  What is it?"

"What do you mean, what's a train?"

"I figured the question was pretty self-explanatory."

"It's like...a big metal transportation device."

"How does it move?"

"It's powered by fuel."

"What fuel?"

"You know, like coal."

"Okay.  How does it decide where to go?"

"It doesn't decide anything, it's a vehicle."

"Like a horse?"

"Um...sort of?"

"But a horse can decide where to go if it doesn't have a rider."

"It's not alive!"

"So it's like a cart?  Is it pulled by horses?"

"No!  It's propelled by fuel and a driver who directs it down rails!"

"What are rails?"

Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid stared at the two of them as they went back and forth.

"Is this what it's like to be in a class with me?"  Wolf Knight asked.

"Pretty much."  Burning Mermaid replied.

"Geez...no wonder the council hates me."  He muttered.

Crossing The Border

“Turbo, what the hell are you doing?”  Wolf Knight asked, as Turbo Thunder dove and rolled back and forth on the path in front of them.

“I’m practicing my Wizardball moves!”  He replied, without stopping his diving.

“...No one knows how to play Wizardball, Turbo.  It's not actually a game."

“See that?  That's why you didn't make the team.  I need to be ready if they ever figure it out.”

"I didn't make the team because I didn't try out for the team.  Because the team doesn't do anything."

"If that's the case, how do you explain all the trophies we have?"

"The Council bought them from the Wizardball Trophy store in Happyshine, Turbo.  And all the wins are defaults anyway."

The two of them stopped their argument as they approached a wooden structure that crossed the road and ran off in either direction as far as they could see.

"Is that a fence?"  Burning Mermaid asked.

"It seems that way."  Wolf Knight replied.  The poorly constructed fence rose to about his chest.  "There's a note attached to it."

"Let's see."  Turbo chirped, snatching the note from the fence.  "Dear Super Wizard Council.  Here's the bill for the wall separating our land from yours.  Please pay the below amount.  Love, the Deathlords of the Dark Undercold."  He let out a whistle.  "That's a lot of zeros."

"It certainly is, and a pretty crappy wall at that.  I'd heard rumors that the Deathlords were building a wall, but I guess I imagined something-"  Wolf Knight stopped as Burning Mermaid threw a ball of flame at the wooden fence, which immediately caught fire and spread along the entire length of the fence out of sight. "...um....less flammable."  He finished, as the fire went out, having reduced the fence to ash.

"You're...really good with fire."  Turbo said.

"I'm not that good."  Burning Mermaid replied.  "It's almost like they went out of their way to construct a fence out of extra flammable wood."

"You know, for the longest time, I had it in my mind that the Deathlords were dangerous and clever, but I'm starting to doubt that."  Wolf Knight said.

"Don't let your guard down yet, we're only just crossing into the Dark Undercold now.  Who knows what deadly traps and monsters are waiting for us?"  Turbo replied.  "We're treading on unknown territory now.  Maybe we'll even be able to answer one of the most pressing questions of our time, like why the Deathlords have never shown up for one of the Wizardball games."

"Yeah, that's one of the most pressing questions of our time.  You got it, buddy."  Wolf Knight said, putting a hand to his face.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 11)

Hello readers!  After what feels like an eternity, I'm thrilled to finally be able to continue Q&A with Laser Gaiden!

Things have been pretty hectic at the tower here.  The damage from the Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny incident was a bit more extensive than we thought, so we had to complete some much-needed renovations.

That said, let's finally resume one of my favorite parts of this blog!

My Dearest Instructor, Lazer Gaiden,
When shall the Council be taking action regarding the weirdo with the barren tree branches growing out of his head who's been wandering the halls of the tower?  No one can understand the eldritch language which flows from his mouth, and he has blocked the doorway to the ladies restroom when the hateful branches caused him to become stuck.  Please promise unto me that you shall do something about this roustabout, lest the walls of the Tower become my canvas and he, my paint.

-Blood Rainbow

Hello Blood Rainbow!

From what I understand, the Council is in the process of tracking down this mystery man.  Nobody's sure where he came from, he just showed up one day.  He shouldn't be in the ladies restroom, however.  The last thing we need is another problem like Lesser Evil's "lack of direction."

Also, please do not murder anyone in the Tower without a written permission slip from one of your instructors and at least one member of the Council.  You know what the Tower's policy is regarding that.

Sir, I'm still hearing things about my sister being kidnapped on your blog here!  Please tell me what's going on!

-Turbo Thunder

Hello Turbo Thunder!  Your sister has just missed a few days* of classes, she probably just got lost in the tower.  Nothing to worry about!  Please contact the Council about when your visit with your family will be ending, the Wizardball team misses their captain!

*Or weeks.  Or months.  Time, right?  Who's counting it?!

Could we get some better food in here? Everything seems to be a bit…off lately. Also, the snuggle-puppies are requesting live meat (stupid bunnies keep taunting them). Did I hear something about the Spooker Wizards collecting bones? Do you think they could share with my babies?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova,

So I'll be completely honest with you, we've really just been feeding you stuff from a box one of the kitchen duty groups recovered from their duty.  It was labeled "Food?"* so it's probably okay, box labels don't lie.  Usually.

As for the bones, we're trying to discourage the Spooker Wizards from decorating with actual bones, and as you know, any "student debris" from the various accidents around the Tower that can't be reattached has to go to the good folks at Crimson Bovine.
*No matter how much we take from it, it never seems to get any less full.  What a convenient and probably completely safe find!

That should be enough for this week!  Have a good weekend, readers!

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 4)

Hello readers!

I, Lighting Tornado, have returned to you once more to continue our ongoing bestiary series!  It's good to be back, so let's get right into it!

Lil Reapers

Danger Level:  High

Where to find them:  These guys can show up pretty much anywhere.  They’re not very common, fortunately, and they’re usually nocturnal.  They tend to show up in places linked to despair, like graveyards and call centers.

Description:  These adorable, deadly, and highly marketable harbingers of death are some of the nastiest things you can run into.  Don’t let their diminutive statures and squeaky voices lull you into a false sense of security:  They can and will painfully extract the soul of anyone who gets too close, dooming the victim to a life of office work.

How to deal with them:  Avoid, if at all possible, and contact a professional Death Killer.

Hell Hounds

Danger Level:  Varies

Where to find them:  Varies.  Hell Hounds need to be summoned to the mortal plane, and rogue hound summoners blessedly rare.  The only known example is Rodeo Nova, and where she learned to do this is the subject of an ongoing criminal investigation.

Description:  These infernal puppers are as dangerous as they are cute, and as varied as standard run of the mill dogs.  Unlike standard dogs, however, smaller size tends to denote higher levels of danger.  Some Hell Hounds only want lovies and walkies.  Others want to use you and/or your soul as a chew toy.

How to deal with them:  In spite of the infernal pits from which these nefarious pooches are still dogs and just as distracted by a thrown ball or stick.  Don’t make the rookie mistake of offering them treats you don’t actually possess, however.  There’s no quicker way to enrage a Hell Hound than the promise of false treats.

Heck Hounds

Danger Level:  Low

Where to find them:  See above

Description:  Heck Hounds have a lot in common with Hell Hounds.  They come from the same place, they're summoned in (mostly) the same ways, and they come in all shapes and sizes.  They are, however, far less dangerous than Hell Hounds.  Legends have it that the concept for Heck Hounds came from an infernal board room meeting, where it was decided that they needed to make Hell Hounds more appealing to the hip young demon summoner demographic.  In reality, they're more often mistakingly summoned by someone trying to make a Hell Hound.  Turns out if most people want a dog, they'll just get a normal dog.

How to deal with them:  Heck Hounds don't really present much of a threat.  Some demon summoners who don't like the risk/danger/soul upkeep of Hell Hounds even like to keep them as pets.  It's somewhat difficult to tell the difference between the two, so they can serve as danger deterrents to someone not learned enough to tell them apart.

Reminders and Announcements

Hello Students!

As we at the Super Wizard Tower begin to resume normal operation once more, the Council has asked me to remind everyone of a few things.

Current list of missing students (As assembled by Super Wizard Lazer Gaiden)

Wolf Knight and Burning Mermaid: Currently on an epic quest to collect blood samples from the eight Deathlords of the Dark Undercold.

Turbo Thunder: Currently visiting family, visit taking longer than expected.  We'll be following up with his family soon to see where he's gotten off to.

Space Slayer and Lesser Evil: Presumably still lost in other dimensions / alternate realities. Subjects of an ongoing investigation regarding the murder of a young eyeball waterfall / beat boxing mouth.*
*The council also has no idea what to make of this and is trying to decide if it's a prank or not.

Taco Lightning: Still missing, possibly having been kidnapped by otherworldly forces. Not located in the Nightmare Closet. Possibly in the basement.  Rumors that she is being held in the West Wing should be discounted, as the West Wing is still closed for repairs and also because there is no West Wing.

I think that's all of the missing students!  Now for some announcements.

Announcements

Recreation and Quarantine Wing Lock down:  PLEASE NOTE that the Recreation and Quarantine Wing is still under lock down while we try and figure out what to do about the Rodeo Nova and Ninja Bunny situation.  This room should be avoided AT ALL COSTS*.  To prevent further incidents and confusion regarding this announcement, we have put all available locks on the entrance to this facility.  Students will be informed when/if this lock down is lifted.

*The only exception to this is if you’re on food duty, and even then, you should only use the designated feeding receptacles.

Note to Spooker Wizards:  Decorating with real bones, while not forbidden, is heavily frowned upon.  The Super Wizard Order can't really afford to be banned from any more Happyshine graveyards, so please keep this in mind.  Also, remember that "procuring" bones from your fellow students is absolutely against the rules.  Anyone who violates this rule will be given detention, kitchen duty, or Rodeo Nova/Ninja Bunny feeding duty, depending on availability.

Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe:  Please keep in mind that the Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe has begun ghost molting.  All of you know what this means, so please be mindful of it.

That should be all for now.  Stay tuned for Thursday, when we'll have a new bestiary entry, and Friday for the long awaited return of Q&A.

Chronicles of the Rodeo-Ninja War (Part 2)

Several weeks ago...

"So according to the brochure that the Council gave me..."  Wolf Knight started, as the trio of adventurers walked down the sunlit path.  "...Not all of the Deathlords actually live in the castle.  Only Lord Darkblood Killdeath does, really."

"That's inconvenient, and makes the name of the castle misleading."  Burning Mermaid replied.  A group of laughing children ran across the path in front of them.

"I've got to say, this place...is not exactly what I expected."  Turbo said.  "I kind of expected more...dark, and evil, and...miscellaneous other effects of a cursed land."

"I agree.  This doesn't feel homey at all.  Maybe I should have stayed at the Tower, Rodeo Nova is well on her way to making that place more like home."  Burning Mermaid said, with a sigh.

"Yeah, about that."  Wolf Knight said.  "Are either of you at all concerned with the complete lack of communication of any sort from the Tower lately?"

"It's probably fine."  Turbo replied, with a shrug.  "I'm confident in the ability of our Super Wizard superiors to handle pretty much anything."

****

"CATCH THE RABBITS!  DON'T LET ANY ESCAPE!"

"WE'VE LOST CLASSROOM 2B!"

"KEEP THEM SEPARATED!  FIVE OF THESE ARE STUDENTS AND ONE IS A CHAIR!"

"CLASSROOM 2C IS RABBITS!  ALL OF IT' IS RABBITS!  RABBITS!  OH GODS, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

"...Do you hear...barking?"

****

"...It's alarming, but I think he actually believes that."  Wolf Knight said, looking back at Turbo Thunder.

"I'm somewhat surprised the Tower didn't explode immediately after we left."  Burning Mermaid agreed.  "Or while we were still there.  Or on any given day."

"You two need to have more faith in the Council and the Super Wizards."  Turbo Thunder said, shaking his head.

****

"THE COUNCIL IS RABBITS!"

"EVEN ELDER FRED?!"

"No, Elder Fred is fine.  So stoic and brave in the face of adversity!"

"Truly an inspiration to us all."

**BANG BANG BANG**

**BARK BARK**

**BANG BANG BANG**

"Something's trying to get through the door!  Protect the Rabbit Council!"

****

"Oh we have faith in the Council and Super Wizards."  Wolf Knight said.  "Just not faith that they know what they're doing."

"The Tower's got great defenses!"  Turbo argued.  "Nothing is getting into the Tower if the Council doesn't want it there."

****

The great iron doors to the Council Chambers were ripped off their hinges and thrown to the side with a deafening clang and a cloud of debris.

"What in the name of Torp..."

As the dust cleared, the threat gradually came into view.  It was a giant mass of amorphous dogs, barking and panting with multiple tentacle-like tails, all wagging happily.  A pink, jeweled collar around one of the dog-head protrusions read 'Magistrate Snugglebutt the Unspeakable.  If found, return to Rodeo Nova at the Super Wizard Tower in Happyshine.'

"...If we get through this, we really, REALLY need to get that girl to a psychologist."

Chronicles of the Rodeo-Ninja War (Part 1)

Hello readers! My, it has been quite some time, hasn't it? I do apologize for our absence, but there were...circumstances out of our control. The computer that I use to update this blog, along with our IT staff(s) and a great number of other things had been transmogrified into rabbits*, you see. Things have been...eventful here.

*Due to recent events, the Council have decided to move Rabbit Transmogrification to one of the forbidden arts, at least for the time being.**
**The council (Except for Elder Fred and Elder Malcolm) was transmogrified into rabbits shortly after making this decision. The best and brightest Super Wizards are currently in the process of developing Council Transmogrification, but have had limited success***.
***The Ghost of the Doomsday Scribe suggested Ghost Transmogrification. When it was pointed out, however, that this was just a stupid term he made up for death, he made an obscene gesture while slowly disappearing into a wall****.
****This would have normally caused the council to increase resources to finding a replacement for the scribe, but in their current state, they settled for passive-aggressively nibbling on lettuce.

The IT department(s) has been urging the Council to update their transmogrification protection to current standards for years, but they've been slow to act.  Whether it was the cost and effort involved in bringing the protection up to compliance, or the weird, eldritch chittering language of the IT department(s)*, they were not prepared for what was to come.
*Or, I suspect, both.

Anyway, you see, two of our more...well-known students took their animosity for each other to the next level and went to all-out war.  Rodeo Nova and Ninja Bunny have only recently been contained in the Recreation and Quarantine Wing, and a student lottery has been set up to see who's responsible for bringing them food and other necessities while we figure out what to do with them, or for them to resolve whatever their differences are.

No one's entirely sure what happened to spark this war, but the following argument was heard by those listening out of sight before the hostilities began:

"ALL MATTER IS RABBITS AT ITS PURIST FORM!"

"THAT'S STUPID!  YOU'RE STUPID!  SUMMON THE HOUNDS!"

"Do you even know what you're doing with Hound Summoning?!  You're taking concentrated evil and putting it in the shape of a dog!"

"EVIL IS A GOOD BOY AND JUST WANTS WALKIES AND TUMMY SCRATCHES!"

"AND SOULS!"

"ONLY ON TUESDAYS IF THEY EAT ALL THEIR FOOD AND DON'T MESS ON THE CARPET!  And don't act like you're a saint!  Last week you turned the entire math class into rabbits!"

"I freed them from their earthly non-rabbit shackles!"

"What does that even mean?!  My hounds never do stuff like that!"

"ONE OF YOUR HOUNDS ATE SUPER WIZARD FLYING RAINBOW AN HOUR AGO!"

"Well he had a stupid name."

"HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE?!"

"Commodore Scritch-Scratch hates stupid names.  And stop changing the subject!  I know you know the secrets of Hound Transmogrification!"

"You'll never figure it out!"

"I'll make you tell me!"

"I don't know the secrets, there was only one place to learn them!"

"WHERE?!"

"The library!"

"NO!"

"IN A BOOK!"

"NO!  LIES!"

"YOUR HUBRIS AGAINST INANIMATE OBJECTS HAS BECOME YOUR DOWNFALL!"



...We'll discuss what followed in the days to come.  For the time being, we're still in the process of rebuilding after this...event, and there's much to do.

However, rest assured, readers!  We have pulled through another disaster, and will continue to be a shining beacon on the horizon for Super Wizards (And Super Wizards at heart*) everywhere!
*People who can't afford tuition.