Student Highlights Week 2: Throat-Punch Ballet

Name: Throat-Punch Ballet

Sex: Male

Race: Eighties-Spawn

Hometown: ???

Strengths: The Eighties

Weaknesses: Misuse/overuse of The Eighties, luck, Glamomancy

History: Throat-Punch Ballet is one of the students referred to as Eighties-Spawn.  These students have come about during use of Montages, and due to the nature of said montages, it's impossible to know where they really came from.  Sometimes they're dancers, other times they're backup singers, but in all cases they don't really know how to get home.  We didn't really know what else to do with him, and the Happyshine police don't typically like to handle mysterious appearances, so we made him a student.

Notes: Throat-Punch Ballet has expressed considerable interest in Glamomancy, but has shown a lack of compatibility as extreme as Taco Lightning's incredible compatibility.  I didn't see for myself, but I'm told that he had such a low compatibility rating that he made the genetic sampler reassemble itself after Taco Lighting caused it to explode.  This is impressive in its own way, but we're not really sure what it means.

Glamomancy aside, Throat-Punch Ballet has a considerable amount of talent with The Eighties Super Wizard Discipline*.  Such is his commitment to the discipline that he's gone so far as to wear sequinned clothing and keep his hair in a side-ponytail**.
*To be discussed next week.
**The council informed him*** that he didn't need to do this, but he has been undeterred.
***Forcefully

Use of The Eighties disciplines is not without risk and repercussion, however, and Throat-Punch Ballet has gotten in trouble because of this in the past.   One of the more recent incidents involving his overuse of star wipes getting him trapped in a low-budget employee orientation video in the local Happyshine Combination Groceries, Pet store, and Sewage Treatment Plant*.
*For all your grocery and pet supply needs!  Stay out of the back.

Last I heard, Throat-Punch Ballet had gotten himself trapped in the Tower Basement, which has made his retrieval difficult as no one knows where the Tower basement is.  Still.  I'm not sure if he's sent further communication regarding his situation because I only check my mail once a week, and it's not Friday yet.  Perhaps we'll find out soon!

Student Highlights Week 2: Taco Lightning

Name: Taco Lightning

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Hometown: Happyshine

Strengths: Glamomancy compatibility, Brainpower, kindness

Weaknesses: Timidness, Glamomancy in practice

History: Taco Lightning is one of the students to come from Happyshine.  Her family has a long tradition of becoming Super Wizards, so it was a natural decision for her, and she's done rather well in her classes.

The whole Glamomancy thing as a whole is still somewhat controversial in the Tower.  The Council has stressed the importance of Super Wizards branching out into the field, but has not elaborated much as to the reasons why.  Taco Lightning is actually rather skilled in the Brainpower discipline, arguably one of our most promising students, but because of her compatibility with Glamomancy the Council has insisted that she switch her focus.  This has not quite sat well with her for a number of reasons, not the least of which being the current lack of direction with Glamomancy as a whole.

It's not overly well-known, but Taco Lightning is Turbo Thunder's little sister.

Notes: Taco Lightning has been the most promising candidate for Glamomancy to date, causing the genetic sampler to explode in a cloud of sparkles and "zazz."  That aside, she hasn't seemed to exhibit any of the usual characteristics we've come to expect from Glamomancy candidates.  This isn't too out of the ordinary, however, considering how new the field is.

It should be noted that Taco Lightning has been taking classes from an unknown teacher as of late.  The council is looking into what's going on with this, but she has appeared to have gone missing in the meantime.

Student Highlights Week 2: Ninja Bunny

Name: Ninja Bunny

Sex: Female

Race: Human-esque. Almost certainly.

Hometown: Dim Underchilly

Strengths: Rabbit Transmogrification, Math

Weaknesses: Being told to stop using Rabbit Transmogrification, attention span.

History: Ninja Bunny is one of the only Super Wizard students to come from Dim Underchilly (the other being Rodeo Nova, as previously mentioned).  Her parents are cultists from the cult of the Screaming Bleeding Agony, but apparently decided she wasn't a great fit for the cult for "undisclosed reasons" and sent her to the Tower.  It didn't seem like she'd take too well to Super Wizard education initially, until she was told about Rabbit Transmogrification.  The Tower Psychologist predicts that it was around this time she jumped from a 1 to at least a 5 on the insanity scale.

Notes: Ninja Bunny has an unnaturally excessive level of skill in Rabbit Transmogrification, which is rivaled only by her equally unnaturally excessive desire to use Rabbit Transmogrification.  You may recall the recent incident when classroom 2A had to be evacuated and closed for renovations.  The reason this occurred was because Ninja Bunny turned everything in the classroom* into Rabbits.  She was given detention but managed to transmogrify the Super Wizard in charge of detention.  The council has decided that she probably learned her lesson and let her go***.  According to the Tower Psychologist, Ninja Bunny rates at a 5 or a 6 on the insanity scale, so she's within acceptable bounds.
*Desks, chairs, students**, posters, etc.
**They're still trying to sort out the desk/chair/poster rabbits from the student rabbits.  The accountant is unsure if he should count this towards the casualty quota, but for now he's decided to hold off.
***As none of the Elders have become rabbits (except for Elder Malcolm of course, who was already a rabbit), I assume Ninja Bunny was satisfied with this.

Ninja Bunny has a well-known rivalry of some sort with Rodeo Nova.  While neither of them have really discussed it at any length, anyone who was there for the library incident knows about this.  Rodeo Nova's antics with her hounds as of late seems to have exacerbated this problem somewhat.

The Tower Psychologist has been trying to determine if Ninja Bunny's constant use of Rabbit Transmogrification is rooted in some sort of sinister desire to transmogrify the entire world into rabbits, or if she's just easily amused and morally flexible.  I'm told his research has been put on hold as he's been transmogrified into a rabbit.

Q&A With Lazer Gaiden (Part 9)

Hello Readers.  While I'm attempting to quell this mind-numbing headache assaulting my senses from yesterday's festivities, let's jump right into this week's Q&A.

Asking for a friend...
Does the school have appropriate countermeasures to humanely corral phasing rabbits?

*shifty eyes*

Sincerely,

Ninja Bunny

Hello Ninja Bunny,

It's not particularly common knowledge, but phasing rabbits possess a startling amount of brainpower energy, but don't have much capacity to control it.  This tends to result in the periodic 'venting' of the brainpower energy.  In best case scenarios, this results in them blinking about through space or through walls.  In worst case scenarios, it results in a pressing need for renovations and an angry Tower accountant.

The brainpower nature of these rabbits can be taken advantage of to lure them into traps, however.  Brainpower aside, they are still rabbits.  Standard traps can be baited with imaginary carrots if the trapper can imagine them hard enough.  The phasing rabbits will pick up on the telepathic message and be drawn to the trap*.

*IMPORTANT NOTE:  When employing this method, DO NOT allow the phasing rabbits to eat the imaginary carrot!

HRH Fluff ‘n Stuff appears to have had a little “accident” near the stairs to the Elder Floors (this may or may not be a deliberate protest to their continued refusal to allow Mister Fluffypants to undertake the naming ceremony, you have no proof either way).  Given her preference for fresh blood and quality deli meats, would you recommend bleach, an ammonium based cleaner, or complete vaporization of the entire hallway?
-Rodeo Nova

Hello Rodeo Nova,

This certainly explains a lot.  Your dog's "accident" has already caused a number of student casualties (It's okay, it's a new year and our quotta was reset).  The council has been debating how to handle the situation.  The initial response was to attempt a pinpoint Orbital Satellite strike, but the Tower accountant has discouraged use of pinpoint Orbital Satellite strikes for cleaning purposes.  For the time being, they've decided to send in the Tower janitor, Frank Stein.  It's not a big deal if we lose Frank, Elder Steve can bring him back as many times as necessary.  If that doesn't work, I believe the Council has a number of other plans, some involving fire, before we resort to the pinpoint Orbital Satellite strike whether the Tower Accountant approves or not.

Hello sir...
I don't mean to pry, but didn't you say a few weeks ago that you were going to discuss Glamomancy?  You never did, and the lesson plans are getting progressively stranger without any explanation...
-Taco Lightning

Hello Taco Lightning,

Yes, I was going to go into more detail regarding Glamomancy, but it turns out the art is a bit more complicated than we originally anticipated.  It would seem that Glamomancy has a good side and a darker, more sinister side.  The lesson plans are currently being reviewed by the Tower Ethical Expert.  Your classes should have been canceled until further notice, I'm not sure who's running your classes.  Please come to my office at your earliest convenience to discuss this further.

I'm locked in the Tower basement!  Help?
-Throat-Punch Ballet

Hello Throat-Punch Ballet,

Very creative dodging of the questions only rule!

Equally impressive (but likely unfortunate for you, I fear) is that you've found the Tower basement!  Nobody has yet to locate that.  You'll have to let someone know where it is for us to come get you.  Until then, good luck on your attempts to survive until then!


Dear Lazer Gaiden,
Where am I?
-Lesser Evil

Hello Lesser Evil,

That's a very good question.  There may have actually been more to this, but representatives from Crimson Bovine confiscated it pretty much immediately and this is all I could read.

The Council actually managed to contact Elder [NAME DELETED] regarding your situation.  I'm told he was sporting a two dimensional lab-coat with six-dimensions of colors that drove encouraged a number of nearby students insane to enroll in Kung-Futhulhu.  She agreed to keep an eye out for you and Space Slayer in journey across all planes, before turning into a floating drawing of a frowny face and bending sideways out of existence.  Hope to see you back at the tower soon*! 
*For all our sakes.

Well, that does it for Q&A for this week.  Good luck to all of you surviving Torp's apocalyptic nonsense this weekend!

The Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill (Part 1)

Wolf Knight, Turbo Thunder, and Burning Mermaid walked down the path.  Their clothing was torn, they had several scratches on their skin, and Turbo had a small fire on his head.

"We are never going hunting in the Cavern of Fireflies again."  Wolf Knight said, finally.

"I swear to Torp I've never heard of fireflies being associated with actual fire."  Turbo said.

"That's because they weren't fireflies, they were dragonflies."  Burning Mermaid corrected, swatting out the fire on Turbo's head.

"At least he didn't suggest hunting in the Forest of Ages."  Wolf Knight said.

"Of course not!  It's starting to get dark out, and nobody wants to get caught out there at night.  Turbo said, defensively.

“Anyway.”  Wolf knight continued.  “We’re going to need to get some real food.  The brochure says we’re pretty close to this Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill.  Let’s just go there.”

“Eating at a restaurant in the Dark Undercold?!  Are you crazy?!”  Turbo exclaimed.

"It's not technically the Dark Undercold."  Burning Mermaid replied.  "It's at the far end of Dim Underchilly.  Rodeo Nova would probably have strong words with you for saying she comes from the Dark Undercold.  Some would probably be quite cross, although others would probably be incoherent."

“You could just have the last Meal.”  Wolf Knight suggested, patting his bag.

“...Point taken.  All right, let’s just keep our guard up.”  Turbo said, defeated.

The trio followed the map and it wasn’t long until they came across a large building off the road.  A massive sign informed them that this was, indeed, the Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill.  A neon sign depicted a robed figure jabbing a knife into a man on a slab.  Both of them were giving a thumbs up sign.  Wolf Knight and Turbo exchanged a glance.

“It’s probably just a theme restaurant.”  Wolf Knight said, as they made their way to the entrance.

"Yes, that's clearly the most likely scenario here."  Burning Mermaid added.  Wolf Knight wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic, and Turbo seemed as oblivious as ever, so he decided to drop it.

"Welcome to the Sacrificial Slab Bar and Grill!"  The perky greeter chirped.  She wore thick, red robes that covered her entire body and bore images of faces screaming in agony.  A name tag was pinned on the right side of her chest that read ‘Hi, my name is Jenny!’  "Party of three?  Follow me and we'll get you seated.  The dinner show is just about to start!"  She guided them to an empty table, gave them menus and gestured to the pyramid structure in the center of the restaurant.  At the top of the pyramid, a priest was standing over a blindfolded man laying on a stone altar.

"This man has received the great honor of being the next sacrifice!"  The priest announced.  The blindfolded man on the altar raises both of his arms and made horn symbols with them.  "Glory to Lord Darkblood Killdeath!"  The priest continued, and plunged the dagger into the man's heart.  Pyrotechnic jets of flame shot up and neon lights flashed all around the pyramid.  The crowd let out a cheer as the man's body was lifted and taken into the back of the restaurant.

Wolf Knight urgently flagged over the nearest waiter, and the robed figure quickly approached the table.

“You had a question about the menu, sir?”

“It says here that your steaks are made with ‘100% grade A meat.’”

“That’s absolutely right.  We have only the finest meat.”

“Could you be a bit more specific?”

“About what, sir?”

“The meat.”

“It’s the finest meat.”

“Yes, but meat from what?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The meat?  What’s it from?”

“The kitchen, sir.”

Wolf Knight closed his eyes in frustration.  “Yes, I figured that.  But what IS the meat?”

“It’s food.  I’m sorry sir, I just assumed you would know that.”

“Yes, I’m aware that it’s food.  That’s why we’re in a restaurant.”

“Then what is the issue?”

“What kind of meat is it?  Is it beef?”

“It’s only the finest meat.”

“Yes, but...you know what, I think I’ll just have the salad.”

"And you, sir?"  The waiter asked Turbo.

Turbo glanced between the waiter and Wolf Knight.  "I think, for once...I'll agree with Wolf Knight on this."  he said, finally.

"And for the lady?"  The waiter asked, looking to Burning Mermaid.

"Yeah I'll take the steak."  She said.  Wolf Knight and Turbo stared at her as the waiter left with their orders.  "What?"  She asked.

"But...the meat..."  Turbo said.

Burning Mermaid shrugged.  "It wouldn't be the first time."

Turbo Thunder and Wolf Knight scooted their chairs just a bit further from Burning Mermaid.

Tower Happenings Tuesday (Part 2)

Hello readers!

It's time, once more, for Tower Happenings Tuesday!  In case you don't recall, Tower Happenings Tuesday is an entry that the Council requests that we do here every now and again, mostly during particularly eventful weeks.  So let's see what we've got going on this week!

Tuesday (Today):  There will be a Dragon Angel drill today.  As is traditional, you won't know when it's coming*. Extra credit for this drill will be given to those who give the most convincing impression of being obliterated.
*Much like a true Dragon Angel attack.

Wednesday:  The Happyshine "Totally Legit" Vocational School (Down at the Docks branch) will be holding an event at the Tower on Wednesday to showcase some of their more popular classes.  As you know, the Tower and the Vocational school have an agreement that allows Super Wizard students to take a number of classes free of charge.  The representative will be showing some of their new classes at this event, like Kneecapping for Hobbyists and Professionals, Nefarious But Mostly Legal Alchemy, and Ferreting out Squealers.  You won't want to miss it!

Thursday:  Thursday is Elder Fred's birthday!  As of such, students and graduates and retired Super Wizards, as well as nobility from the world over will be making their yearly pilgrimage to the tower to join him in celebration!  Classes will be canceled as most Elders and Super Wizards will be too intoxicated to teach them.  Students should expect all Super Wizards and Elders to be grumpier than usual on Friday, and they should probably avoid them at all costs.

Friday: Classes will be canceled this Friday as all at the Tower observe the Nelson Ascension.

Saturday:  Elder Mary will be holding a scavenger hunt of some sort at the Plains of Abandonment on Saturday.  All students are required to attend.  I think she's looking for something specific there, but whenever I ask her she just says "One day, I'll find it."  And stares off wistfully into the horizon* until I get bored and walk away.
*Or, if she's indoor, at a wall.

Sunday:  The Scripture of Torp says that an apocalyptic event will take place on Sunday.  I don't put a lot of stock into the Scripture of Torp, but the Tower is required to provide Torpers with passes to leave Tower grounds for the day to await their end in the company of loved ones.  The pass is only good for one day, however, and classes resume Monday as per usual.

Monday:  Assuming Torp doesn't smite the world with his lightning discus or some other such nonsense, Monday will be a standard class day.  The Council has informed me of some sort of quest they want me to take, however.  Depending on the details, Monday will either see an entry from my intern or the start of the second Student Highlight week.

Super Wizard Bestiary (Part 1)

Hello readers!

It's no secret that our world is inhabited by a number of creatures that run the gambit of the magical and mystical, the dangerous and deadly, and even the impractical and asinine.  Mystical creatures of the world can be (and is) a class all on its own, but I'd like to touch on them now and again.  Some of these creatures are relatively common, so it's important to know how to deal with them when they're encountered in the wild.

Fireflies
Danger level:  None
Where to find them:  Fireflies are commonly found during the summer in most places.  They can be found year round in the Cavern of Fireflies (which was, as you  may have guessed, named for this reason).
Description:  They're small insects that light up.  They can be pretty, especially in large groups.
How to deal with them:  You can just ignore them, they typically won't bother people.  Children often capture them in the summer.

Lightning Bugs
Danger Level:  Low to medium.
Where to find them: Lightning bugs are most commonly found in the Swamp of Unfortunate Surprises
Description:  Lightning Bugs can be nasty creatures.  They're fist sized flying insects that drain a victim's life energy, and they can discharge stored energy as a defense mechanism.  It's not a good idea to swat these guys while they're feeding.  It's usually not fatal, but you will regret the decision.  Legends say that Lightning Bugs were created by the god Torp to punish man for something inane, as gods tend to do.  Are there any truths to these legends?  Like all religious matters, the answer is a resounding 'Maybe, but probably not!'
How to deal with them:  Lightning bugs are really just one of many reasons to not go to the Swamp of Unfortunate Surprises.  I mean, just look at the name!

Dragon Angel
Danger Level:  You're probably already dead
Where to find them: Hopefully only in your nightmares.
Description:  Dragon Angels are basically the worst possible creature you can ever run into.  As the name suggests, they're part dragon and part entity of questionable existence.  Fortunately, they're extremely rare.  It's been a long time since the last Dragon Angel has been spotted.  I'd tell you where it appeared, but you wouldn't recognize the name because it hasn't existed since the last time a Dragon Angel was spotted.  Yes, these two facts are related.
How to deal with them: N/A

IT Departments
Danger Level: Low to high, depending on how comfortable you are with insectoids and foul ichor.
Where to find them:  Skittering away when you turn on a light.
Description:  IT Departments tend to infest facilities shortly after they open their doors.  They're helpful for setting up technological infrastructure, and you might even think they're benign until the disappearances start.
How to deal with them:  You can buy traps at most convenience stores and bait them with coffee and overtime checks.  Serious cases may require exterminators.